Incidentally, where are all the carpets?
My chair scraped loudly over the exposed floor tiles in the office as I hauled it out to sit on.
They took them up because of COVID.
One of my team-mates Bernie-the-Woman explained rather haughtily whilst pointedly staring at her screen.
No doubt she was on Match.com again, chatting to a 'singleton' looking for love who was actually an overweight married man that smelled of cheese and figs hunting for any old midden to poink.
Well, that is very odd because as far as I am aware the risk of carpets catching the ronavirus is pretty negligible.
I sat down with a flourish that would make Batman frothy of the nethers.
It's so we can distinguish the mask-wearing areas from the non-mask-wearing areas. Don't you read your emails from Company Inform?
She pulled herself away from her screen long enough to throw me a look that was filled with barely concealed lust and self-loathing.
A newly put up sign on the wall nearby caught my eye.
Carpeted Areas require masks to be worn.
I teased out a condescending burp. The confident burp of a man who knows that cheap economy burgers for breakfast is no way to live a life but thinks fuck it.
Well, that's nice to know. So, why are we in? El-Jefe called us all together, for what?
I knew she would have the answer as she was so far up El-Jefe's arse that it was only her large feet that kept her from disappearing entirely up his Maven Repository.
You two, meeting in the Lomond Suite. Now please?
The boss man himself appeared from around a corner, his hair heavily slicked with what appeared to be bum-fat. He gestured impatiently at us as if we were late.
And you are late.
He grumbled as we dropped into the 'Lomond Suite' where the rest of the team were sitting.
The Lomond Suite wasn't a suite by any means. It was a poky little meeting room with a broken spider phone.
I sat down next to Wetty who, even though sitting, was wearing a black face mask with valves on the side that hissed when he breathed. Which, him being relatively human, was all the time.
You know we don't need masks when sitting down?
I pulled mine off to show the vast expanse of sexiness that was the skin on my face.
Mmmph, mmmppph. Muhmph.
His desperate eyes blinked frantically at me as he mumbled through the mask in which he seemed to be a prisoner.
Surreptitiously, I checked his hands to make sure he wasn't cable-tied to the table and that *El-Jefe' hadn't finally flipped and decided to go all medieval on our asses.
Chaps. I assume you are all aware of Omicron?
El-Jefe boomed pompously.
He paused for effect, his Jenga tower of chins wobbling precariously.
Well, you know we talked about the new blended approach, getting you all back in the office for a day every week or two?
He nodded as if listening to himself and approving greatly of his work.
We have decided, in light of the Omicron variant, to err on the side of caution, which is, to cancel the return to the office for the short term. I know this will be disappointing but needs must. Any questions?
He looked expectantly around the small room which was now stuffy and moist with our collective breathing.
Yeah, did you have to call us into the office and then get us all to cram into one of the smallest meeting rooms available to tell us that we didn't need to come into work for the near future? Couldn't you just have had a Teams call, sent an email?? Remember that 'Keeping us all safe' malarkey that HR promised?
I motioned at Bernie-the-Woman.
I mean, what if one of us has it?
El-Jefe let out a piggishly derisory snort then frowned. His face became Chameleon-like, rotating through a variety of colours before settling on a stark and nervous-looking white.
Um, yes. Always the ideas man, Boomy. Eh? You know what guys, it's lunchtime. Why don't we finish up for the day? Let's call it a half-day, on the company.
He pulled his mask on and stood like a claymation bank robber.
Right, must dash.
He fled.
I looked at the other guys.
What an arse.
I sighed.
Bernie-the-Woman let out a little gasp as she fell further in love with me.
I shook my head and left. Hopefully without the COVIDS.
A couple of weeks back ... my boss sends out an email stating that if anyone wanted to, they could go into the office on Tuesdays - just to see colleagues and chat (while masked). He felt that a little bit of face-to-face while the Covid numbers were dropping might be beneficial to everyone's wellbeing.
Covid was chuckling in the background, looked over at his buddy Ebola and said ... hold my !BEER ... and then squinted and grunted like he was pinching a loaf, poof, out popped Omicron.
My boss has since sent out a retraction email. ;-)
That's almost exactly the same as us. Our day to go in was Thursdays. We didn't have to but the option was there although the boys man had just sent a mail a couple of weeks ago saying that we would be expected to try for at least a couple of days a month ideal one a week. Just sad you say, Omicron goes boom!!
It's like a soap opera :0D
!PIZZA
I imagined the man breathing and the sound coming out of the mask and you there near ha ha ha ha ha, what discomfort ha ha ha ha, and your boss all that sobriety just to say that they will go back to work from home , I think I wanted to have them close ha, ha, ha, ha, thank Omicronic you will come back to your house to enjoy the family atmosphere while you work, what more can you ask for :)
He was like Darth Vader!! I have never seen a mask like it
It does allow me time to chill before Christmas. I won't tell them that though!
!PIZZA
Woooo, weeee, waaaa, while jumping about with glee (but one can't say that and should remain stoically impassive)
I managed to look suitable disappointed!! It was like an early Christmas gift!!
I will give it a few days then decline his Christmas party on the same basis. Win win!!
!PIZZA
...Ah but isn't the party in his back garden.. aka outdoor. That could well be tougher to escape from!
Yep, outdoors it is but I don't care. I am going to use this pesky Omicron to get out of everything I can't be bothered with!
I don't know why these line make me laugh😂 but omicron is serious shit happening in Africa and we should be cautious .
It is indeed. That is why I am happy notto have to go back into the office! Isolate!
Woohooo for working from home! If you happen to have carpeting in your home please do wear a mask as those pesky omicron are most probably lurking deep down in the fibers just waiting to latch on to an unsuspecting toe. Shifty bastards!
Shit, I will have to lift all my carpets! Lolol!!
I don't like bare floors in Scotland :OD
That would be a torturous event just getting out of bed in the middle of the night to take a piss lol. Best leave the carpets down then...or sleep in your slippers lmao
Sleep in the toilet, if it is carpeted of course!
El Jefe es estupido
El es muy stupido!! :0D
🤔I guess we have a word for erection without having sex, then we should have a word for sex without erection.
Its a complicated life! :OD
Nice Boom, everyone here seems to like the word Poink lol. A bit of malarky no doubt though. Some fact, some rubbish, but thats the state of the world right now. Bit of Hysteria in my opinion.
Good tale as always.
!PIZZA
It is indeed a sad state of the world as we now live in! One day it will go back to emerald skies and 6-legged cows and we can all be happy again!
!PIZZA back atcha :O)
Poink? Poink? Are you sure it is a word? I have never heard of that before! It does sound, rather uncomfortable. The more I repeat the words, the more I laugh.
I think you are going to have to give the office at home another makeover if you are going to spend another whole winter there. Oh, joy!! The house will be all yours! Win! Win! Win!
It's a real word!! Well, a slang word at least. That's as real as it has to get!!
Yeah, I might have to do something about my working space. Maybe some Christmas decorations in the short term!!
Perfect! Lights and a little tree! How cheerful!
Might just go with lights. I do like lights. I have them all over the place just not in the dead space that is the attic!
They add ambience! Yes! Lights!
Let there be...!!
I can not wait to try this new strain of weed!
Omichronic here I come!
Haha! Now that would be awesome!! :0D
And someone in California is growing a hybrid strain of the cannabis and naming it Omnicronic in 3-2-1....
Fuck, I should have copyrighted the name. It NFTd or something! Lol
Weed NFT. Calling it here first lol
Why? Can a carpet host the Omicron variant? 😁
It looks like it! Maybe carpets have been the enemy all along!!
!PIZZA
Poink is a new word for me and it's hilarious. I've never heard that before.
Omicron, is he the one who always fought against Megatron?
Everything I hear the name omicron I think of transformers for some reason.
Thats him!! The Transformatron to rule them all! I am the same with that name. It gives me the heebs because it sounds so much like a Transformer baddie.
Poink is great. It makes me giggle to even say it. It just sounds so silly and to have such a meaning, lol!
!PIZZA
Just wait till they get to the Optimus strain, It can spread poinking and diarrhoea - a fatal combination. That strains gonna be harder to deal with, I heard from a reliable source it is so infectious it can be spread over the internet.
Lmao 🤣
It sounds awful. Through the internet as well. I'll have to start wearing gloves when I use the mouse.
best to pack spare underwear too... Just in case!
I heard it began from a toaster. All our appliances will be used against us!
It started with the toaster, by the time they discovered the new strain it was too late, it had spread to the microwave, television and even the sex toys in the upstairs drawer. Truly malicious
Not the sex toys too!!! Noooo, nothing is sacred. We are all doomed
Oh yeah, this reminds me of the credit card readers and their plastic coverings... I've watched streams of customers go through the line touching the plastic with no wash down in between, so maybe it's the card reader they're protecting from germs and not the people? 😆
I had a cat once named Omicron...
Was it good or evil?
Well, I would say she started off good, turned to evil and then ended her life good. Very Darth Vader-esque...
I had a totally different image of El-Jefe in my head, I must have mixed up two of your colleagues at some point. I had been imagining a Freddy Mercury sort of guy, with chest hair sticking out of the top of his shirt in a sort of wolf-man way. Ha.
I laughed multiple times while reading this, and I really needed that laugh tonight. Thank you.
It's always nice to hear of a laughing!!
He did used to be a tad more svelte but alas, the lockdown year(s) have not been kind to him. Our any of us no doubt but he has suffered!
There are not that many completely reliable things in life, but being amused by your posts is one of them:)
Haha, you are way too kind!!
So, that is about scissoring, right?
Omicron, the anagram for moronic, seems the company confirmed that. Logic reasoning does not seem their strongest selling point. 🙃
You're off to more working from home, again. At least you are relieved from close contact to the moronic ones.
There's an upside to every downside.
I always assumed it was still with the penis but shoving a half-hearted one in with a pinky or something. Itried not to dwell on it too much, lol!
I think the more that I work from home the more I like it despite the crazy reasons for it being a thing!
!PIZZA
Omicron? O Micron? Not worth worrying about? Moronic? Too stupid to worry about? XD
everything feels thoroughly moronic right about now too
Hope you didn't catch the covids :D
So far no COVIDS, so far so good.
I like Moronic. Who could have known there would be a rich vein of anagrams in it! :OD
!PIZZA
Phew!
Maybe you're one of those mythical superhumans who have gotten it and thought it was just a cold :D
We have actually thought that. We were all a bit ill way back in march last year and thought it was a bad cold or the flu. Who knows, it might have been it!
The plot thickens!
Like yoghurt in the sun!
Ew :S
What's with naming all these covid variants after letters of the Greek alphabet? I thought the virus was from China?
I have no idea. I suspect someone is teeing up a future film script!
I fucking love cheese and figs.
.register cheesenfigs
:0D
😂😂 Your're a gas man!! I have you in a robot voice in my mind now and forever more.
Lol!
Good Lawd !
Was that the dumbest thing to do ever, or what ?
It wouldn't be safe to come in to work together, but crowding in a small room to tell you that was fine. ..... I see.... that was SO well thought through.
🙄 😷 😕
I could barely believe it when he told us the grand reasons for getting us all there. I cut it short but he told us he thought we would appreciate the face to face element of it.
If it had been a pub I would have bottled him. :OD
!PIZZA
LOL @ bottled him !
Oh no.. it was so well written I had tiny sliver of hope that this was a nice piece of uncomfortably realistic fiction.. sigh
Lol, I fervently wish it was! Bloody workplaces and their antics
I realise I've been utterly blessed with the opportunity to calmly work from my foresty middle of nowhere since April 2020. I'd be fuming if someone said I absolutely had to drive 2h to go to the office for a moronic meeting like this.
What has happened to people's logic? Hahaha, that has been the most befuddling thing about this!
I was in line at a fast food place for doordash and watching as the cashier held out a bucket for people to put their payment in. Watching as the person placed the money or card in it, then the cashier plucked it out and I said aloud "what's the deal with the bucket?" To which the guy behind me haughtily replied "covid protection of course" and three others nodded like I was the brain damaged one. "But...(I said very slowly) they are both still touching the money? And exactly the same distance apart?" To which they all blinked at me then went back to their blank stares forward.
And don't get me started on the gloves! They put a pair of gloves on at the beginning of the shift and keep the same ones on all day! Ffs, hahaha!
The gloves thing freaks me out. So many major gloves out there being written for a full shift. Blergh.
Makes ya wonder if this nightmare is ever going to end? We are knee deep in the virus here in Michigan and we have been leading the country in cases. I am triple jabbed but still trying to find the right balance between living life and staying in. Its crazy, Boom.
It is nuts. I am trying to get my third jab but they only just bought the boosters forward so there is a bit of a mad rush.
It does seem like no sooner have we managed to get out of it than we are back in it. On the plus side, the vaccinations do seem to be helping over here. There are lots of figures showing that ICU's and serious cases are largely unvaccinated folk. Which sucks for them but hopefully means if you are jabbed you are relatively safe
I know two people that have resisted getting the jabs this far, but they are being required by their employer to get them just now. One is actually thinking on still refusing and losing her good job - at mid 50s in age. Anyways stay well Boom!
I know one that is in her early forties and resisting, the job requires it too but they are a bit lax in checking so she has winged it thus far. There is just too much fud out there and people are getting snared and tangled in it!
You too dude, take it easy!
This was sich an uncomfortable read on so many levels.. welp, take my upvote either way..
Why thank you very much! If its too comfortable people tend to fall asleep ;O)
Reading this made my jaw muscles ache. I am not sure whether it's from laughing or clenching my teeth.
I hope it doesn't lead to omichronic pain.
I fear the clenching is a sign of omicronic. It's the end of the road for you my lad!!!
Luckily, I have mastered the Greek alphabet, decades ago.
I have no fear of Omikron or of any other variety of 'The Thing'.
Not even THe Thing that took over peoples bodies in the Antarctic?!!?!
Haha, tough question. I really enjoy that beast ( especially as depicted in the John Carpenter adaptation of this story ).
That's the only one for me, I haven't seen the remake. Not sure I want to
There is also a 1950s black and white version that is pretty slow. I have never seen the latest version either, although I was tempted to do so ( mainly because it was directed by a fellow Dutchman )
Lol sounds like you guys got poinked for no reason there. Hate the meetings that could have been an email.
Yup, an email same done in a minute!!!
View or trade
BEER.Hey @meesterboom, here is a little bit of
BEERfrom @gikitiki for you. Enjoy it!Learn how to earn FREE BEER each day by staking your
BEER.I don't think that Bernie fell further in anything.
And I think you are mean... What does it even mean to smell like cheese?
Is that even a thing.. Your thoughts are just funny and how you think for others is another one
It is actual, existing and used slang (with multiple possible meanings), but I have not heard it so far either.
It's quite common here, people use it in a derogatory way. We can be a cruel bunch us Scots!
I am mean. I am a big old meanie in work! Smells like cheese is just that. whiffy whiffy cheese. A bit like feet. Bleurgh.
I do think some mad thoughts, in that I agree with you!
!PIZZA
lol.. You probably won't get many protests for working from home during Christmas
I know, why would anyone consider that an issue! We are all over the moon! :OD
!PIZZA
It must be that he smelled of cheese and figs because he had not bathed and he ate like a pig cheese with figs hahahahaha and got dirty hahaha
That would probably explain quite well how he got that smell going on! Hey lass! Nice to see you! I thought you had gone
I was gone, but after 3 years I came back hahaha
Welcome back, it is very nice to see you again! :O)
What exactly do you do at the company? Are you Chandler Bing?
It has long been an ambition of mine to be exactly like Chandler Bing! I am a Test Strategy Consultant, which is an awful title for basically being a cross between a Test Manager and a wet blanket.
Project Managers hate me :OD
Such a serious job, hard to ever guess
Itis like a seesaw, serious on one side and not serious on the other :O)
Yes
At this rate we won't be back into the office until 2025
I think it might not be unreasonable to start thinking 2030's!!!
!PIZZA
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OBoy ! Another pizza party !
I think we are going to need some beer to go with this. 🍺 🍻 😄
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STOPTo support your work, I also upvoted your post!
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Thank you!! Roll on 70,000!
You're welcome @meesterboom, let's roll to the moooooon!!! 😄😊👍 BTW, thank you for your constant involvement! See you soon.
Thank you for the gamification awesomeness you bring to the hivers!
You write so well. I admire you sire
Sire, you should positively medieval! But thank you :0)
@meesterboom Oh Gosh! You make my stomach hurt with incessant laughter as I read the post. Poinked? Hahahaha. What a mental image that was. Is that actually defined? Must brush up on my vocabulary with my 'Words unknown to me and new age Teenager goblygook' thesaurus.
Don't know if you happened to see my latest post but I am quarantined. So - any bit of uplifting piece like the one you have penned helps. I wrote a whineeeyyyy post. Will try to get back my humorous outlook on life. Thanks for the inspiration.
Oh no. Quarantined. I will have to go read. I have not been able much this weekend. There was loads on but you won't want to hear that being trapped in!
@meesterboom, I will definitely read anything you have to share. Its a dose of 'laughter is best medicine' ! Your sarcastic humor style is unique.
My post, like I mentioned is a bit whiney except couple of bits I think. So, please read at your own risk! 😀😀