GODDAMIT.
I yelled as I stared at my deck. Or what should have been my deck.
It lay in front of me, a motley collection of posts and planks, some of which were bodged together with screws and nails in a weird grid-like fashion like an Iranian Nun's vagina.
My shout was met with utter silence.
I thought back to a few weeks ago. It had all seemed so positive. I had started the work on the deck and to be frank, had made a proper cow of it. On seeing this, my neighbour, The Jim had hopped over the fence and taken over. No doubt horrified that any neighbour of his could do a job so badly.
Either that or he wanted to eat chips out of my knickers. A theory I had not entirely discounted.
As work progressed, The Jim enlisted one of his very own sons to help and thus dawned the day of the mighty power tools.
Within no time my garden was awash with big spinny things that went RRRRRRR RRRRRRRRR when buttons were pressed and The Jim and his son Wee Jimmy sawed and hammered and cursed like crazy men whilst drinking endless cups of tea and talking about that wee lassie down at the corner shop with the blue hair.
I was out of my depth.
Worse yet, my mannity levels were decreasing by the day as I ran around after the pair of them fetching them biscuits and curtseying whilst talking in a weird cockney girl voice as they wielded blades of fury amidst blizzards of sawdust.
But despite that. Despite my sad lack of McGyver'ing being exposed to the world via the medium of my Hive Blog, it was worth it.
Worth it all as I watched my decking truly began to take shape.
And then I went on holiday for a week up into the bitter Norths of Scotland.
Don't worry, lad. We will have this finished by the time you get back. You will be out here with your feet up drinking beer before you know it!
So The Jim had promised as he laughed and leaned back, rubbing his belly like a big fat cat playing backgammon.
And so off on holiday, I had gone, with a spring in my step and a lightness in my heart.
Until I arrived back home.
Aw son. It was terrible!! Wee Jimmy, the rotary saw bounced back, it took off the top of his thumb. There was blood everywhere. We had to rush him to the hospital?!
The Jim, normally so manly that Orangutans in Africa worshipped him as a God, almost wept as he told me this.
We cleaned up the mess as best as we could. Oh it was terrible. He was in shock, white as a sheet. I think I near fainted myself.
The Jim wrung his hands and looked at me, red eyed and old looking.
I nodded patiently as he explained this, making the pre-requisite oo'ing and ah'ing noises at the right bits so that I looked sympathetic to Wee Jimmy's plight.
BUT WHY ISNT MY DECKING FUCKING FINISHED YOU LAZY OLD BASTARD?! GET THAT MALINGERING CUNT CHILD OF YOURS BACK INTO MY GARDEN AND START NAILING THINGS?!?!
Was my immediate thought.
He will be out of action for weeks at the very least son, I am awfully sorry.
The Jim looked at me as if one of his testicles had rose up and got lost in his belly.
MAYBE I WILL STAPLE HIS ARSECHEEKS TO YOUR FACE AND FEED HIM A FUCKING VINDALOO!
I chuckled at the thought and then quickly put my serious face back on.
I am very sorry to hear that mate. Did they sow it back on?
I inquired solicitously.
No, they just sewed it shut. Said it would heal better.
The Jim sniffed, half turning away.
Where did it go then? The thumb?
I asked, peering about from where we stood near the fence that bordered our gardens.
Where did what go?
Asked The Jim with a furrowed brow.
The thumb, it came clean off you said? Did you pick it up? Take it to the hospital?
I tried to sound kind as if I was stroking a labrador and telling it that it was a lovely dog and not a greasy hungry slabbery bag of shit that annoyed everyone.
Eh, I think so. I'm sorry son, I better go back in. I haven't felt at all well since it happened.
The Jim turned and headed back into his house.
And so I found myself staring out at the unfinished deck.
I should have been disappointed, dejected even. But weirdly, I felt a weird burny feeling of elation start to kindle in my chest.
A mad laugh bubbled out of me and I hefted the De-Walt Screwthefuckingeverythingdriver up in my hand as if it were a rifle and I was @galenkp taking aim at a Roo.
Looks like it's gonna take a real man to finish this one.
Sawed his thumb off huh? Fucking soft-cock! That's no excuse for unfinished decking...Or as the New Zealanders say, dicking.
I was fencing once, in the outback where men are men, deodorant is optional and where one must say things like bloody oath and too right cobber after removing one's Akubra to wipe sweat off one's brow with the back of one's manly hand...Anyway, I was fencing and somehow or other managed to get my head caught between two of the barbed wire lengths loosely strung through the star-droppers. All of a sudden it twisted up due to some asshole up the line tightening the wire and pop off came my head. Came clean off. I just stood there looking at it then said, strewth mate, that escalated quickly. Needless to say I kept working, got that fence erected and went to the pub for a beer.
The point of the story? The Jim seems to have raised a weakling and action must be taken for non-complete decking. It's time to pay the piper The Jim.
p.s. Quite possibly the fencing story only resulted in a slight graze on my hand, no blood drawn, but that's besides the point.
A slight graze my foot! I bet you had to make multiple journeys back and forth from the pub to bring your head back the beers. Just imagine though, you g=could get slightly drunk then sew it back on and no pain involved. Only the pain of using a mirror to do it and realising you put it on the wrong way.
I was quite bereft mate, my dicking is half done! Looks like this weekend is gonna involve a lot of sawing and nailin. Unless I set fire to it and just chalk it off as a bad idea.
Lol...How did you know that this exact thing indeed happened!
I don't like a lot of things, most of which revolves around other people's fucktardiness, but a person starting a deck [dick for you NZ sheep fuckers] and not finishing it? No The Jim that shit is not acceptable. Look Boomy, have a go at finishing it and if it doesn't work pile those timbers around The Jim's house and light it up. It's the only logical thing to do.
Ah yes! That is what I will do. It will be bonfire night for The Jim!!
I always say if you are gonna start a job you should finish it. Never mind me running off on holiday but I didn't ask for his help he just took over!
I can get the kids to toast marshmallows on the Jims bonfire :OD
The Jim deserves it. Just make sure you do a post about it...And of course teach your kids it's not neighbourly to burn the neighbours house down.
Boomy: Now kids, it's not neighbourly to burn the neighbours house down.
Boomy's kids: Aye dad.
Also Boomy's kids:
I can get one of them to hold the camera. Of course that probably means that there would be lots of shots of feet and sky and might miss some of the main action but thems the breaks. The deed would still be done.
Might give them something to say when they get told not to play with matches at school :OD
Well, what's cool about this comment is that you're thinking about it. I think a little more coaxing and you'll be rolling those little tackers out to get it done!
I will tell them we are rehearsing for a School play or something. That will get me past any awkward questions
Right. The moral of the story. Jim's son is a pussy. Prolly got a vagina under his kilt.
Quite possibly definitely.
This is my saw shelf (there are about 10 on there). I'm pleased to say ... to date, none of these have tasted flesh. Hopefully, they never will.
When I was in my teens, I worked in a butcher/deli and watched as the butcher removed his thumb (below the knuckle) while cutting steaks on the band saw. He calmly turned off the saw, placed his thumb in a bag of ice and wrapped his hand ... then told the boss he needed to go to the hospital. It was about this time, that his shock wore off and the pain hit him.
I was the lucky one who was tasked with disposing of the steaks and cleaning the saw.
This was in the 1980's - so ... it's quite possible that the steaks were rinsed and frozen, then went home with me and were delicious.
Legit shelf tools here. Although, one cannot be called a back-yard-expert unless one has sawn off at least an arm. If not an arm then both hands at the bare minimum. To be classed as a master-back-yard-expert one must saw oneself in half. It is known. 😁 [I may be joking here.]
Stuff like this only happens once...Unless one is an idiot and then it happens twice. Who needs thumbs? Seriously though, not so good I'd imagine.
Legit. 😂
Perhaps this is why I'm so willing to lend my neighbours these tools. The more time someone else spends with my tools, the better chance that they become the back-yard experts. 😂
The butcher had his thumb sewn back on. There was obviously lots of nerve damage, but he had some level of mobility within 6 months or so. But, he was also in his mid 60's, so he took it as a sign and focussed on training his successor.
She was the butcher for another 20 years or so and as far as I know, she never lost a digit. (She also witnessed the accident which likely instilled the respect for the blade/saw for life)
A wise man once said, let thy neighbour become the backyard expert, not oneself. Sage advice I'd say.
Lucky for the butcher they sewed his thumb back and a good lesson for the lass that took over for certain.
Note to self: Don't saw thumb off.
Self: Check.
That looks like a shlef of horror. The one the neighbour uses is like that yellow one on the left. I am hoping it was only the tip of his thumb. The idea of a full fledged under joint thumb lopping is freaky bad!
That sounds like an ample reward for cleaning the blood thirsty saw!
That paragraph deserves some sort of literature award. Well done!
Also, speaking of drinking beer on your deck: When are you going to do more beer reviews?
Even my deck is complete and doesn't look like a hazardous death trap I might consider doing one. The shop has opened back up!!
Hmm, that thumb.... is going to rest underneath your deck? This is the sort of stuff that horror movies are born out of. The revenge of the thumb!
Shitter they didn't sort your deck out, and cursed it too!
It's cursed and I can't help feeling that they just couldn't be arsed anymore, which is mean! I couldn't see the slightest bit of blood. As my paranoia mounts I will have to be getting a CSI kit and doing the UV boogy in the middle of the night on the bit that's actually finished.
Ahh, you think it was an excuse because they suddenly thought, why are we doing this while he's fucked off on holiday and there's no-one to bring us tea? Fair :D
Aye, it maybe they got to a hard bit. I did offer them cash, will, I ordered the old Jim some. He told me not to be daft. I hope they didn't meet someone on my deck and shat it half way through the deed!
He put it on a string and wears it around his neck like a Pict warrior of old.
Damn, you opened up a conflict between the me that loves animals and the me that think this is a very accurate metaphor.
Here I was thinking there was nothing too exciting on the Hive menu today and I ended laughing a lot so thanks for that
Yer welcome!
I love labradors but dang, they are greedy eating machines. The ones I have met anyway :OD
Indeed they are, and greasy too!
Dammit Scotty. If Ya kinna drink green tee fer the health, do it fer the Orangutans man.
This is an absolute true story. I have, in the vast recesses of my desk, a picture of a great toe. A left great toe, matter of fact. A friend's left great toe. He sent me the picture of his left great toe after he got home from the hospital and did a little searching about in the uncut portion of his lawn. He sent it as a testament to the evils of doing yard work drunk.
Bigtom!!! I thought you weer away!
That I a horrible but eminently believable tale. When I first moved to a house with a yard I was completely unfamiliar with cutty choppy garden implements, including the humble lawn mower. Several times at the start I almost lopped my toes off and electrocuted myself. These things are wild dangerous! So drunk, yikes!
When I leave work out for my neighbors to do, they call the fucking cops on me. You got it good man.
I should call the cops on this clown!! That will learn him. Get him sent down to the cells where he has to shower with his half thumbed son. Yeah, punk that he is!
I don't know why you just don't do the right thing and threaten to cut their balls off...
Leave the cops out of this. Those tazer things suck. They don't fuck around anymore, man. "Hi I see you're speeding ZZZZZt ZZZZt ZZZZt. Drive safe. Have a nice day."
I have been implkicitly threatening to cut their balls off by being really nice and understanding to them. I am hoping that they will catch the grim subtext and hop to it
If I could get a tazer without being arrested I would. Awesome things, although it would be a shame for my cats. You pissed where !?! TZZZZTTT
You know that song the cat came back, the very next day blha balha thought he was a goner blah blah?
Well neither do I. But I imagine a tazer would sound cool
remeow-mixed into that song, for some fucked up reason.I know the one, Or at least I know it as well as you have described above.
That would be one awesome remix! :OD Sometimes fucked up reasons are the best of reasons!
I should have spent millions on a recording studio. One cat video, with tazers, and a wicked cool soundtrack, would break the internet, and I'd have my money back in no time. Provided Monsieur Drapeau don't fuck with me, of course.
Builder dudes just drink endless cups of tea and do very little work. You figured out the former and now you know about the latter hehe....
Its ages since I have had a real tea. Its all been green this or chai that. I might have one myself for old times sake!
Wanting to be worshiped by the Orangutans of Asia, I bought a circular saw. It sat, untouched, in my garage for a decade until I donated it to Goodwill.
Safe place for it. They are dangerous things. I recall telling Boomy to be careful with the saw as they can bite even the experienced. Clearly. Having said that, there's nothing quite as empowering as wielding a circular saw to good effect. Maybe it's the relief of not cutting oneself in half that does it.
I haven't used mine much. The thing terrifies me. I think goodwill is the best place for it!
Back in my day we didn't cry about a measly missing digit. We slapped some fucking duck tape on it and got back to
I wish he would have, it would be finished by now!
I wondered earlier about how things would fare with the deck. 🤔
This was not the progress I imagined. 🙏
A deck isn't a deck if it isn't spattered with blood as my old pirate grandad used to say! :0D
rofl... either we've experienced very different decks, or there's some secrets I don't know about the decks I've visited... lol 🤣
Maybe it's just Scottish decks ;0)
lol, they're just made better, I guess. :D (Also, wtf is happening in the rest of this post's comment-section... unreal. lol.) 🙏
How do you know what an Iranian nun’s you know what never mind.
I hate power tools 😵 if it had to happen least it was just the top of his thumb and not the whole thing 😵 and now I’m having bad flashbacks to when youngest got hold of the stick blender (nothing got chopped off but his fingers were very badly gashed and now they just look a bit weird and he has less feeling in them than his other fingers but that could have gone much worse).
Is Wee Jimmy alright and how are you going with finishing off the deck?
Doesnt everyone know the state of Iranian nuns's Va... yeah, skip that one.
Yikes, that is awful. Stick blenders are kinda eveil in that way. So easy to pick up and twiddle with. I have an old on with a really stiff button, might be a while before I upgrade that thing.
I met him, he came round last night to talk to give an update to his dad. He has a big plaster cast looking thing on his hand and was quite cheery.
The decking might not be too bad. They did a lot so I might be able to finish it this weekend. It looks like mostly screwing boards down now and a little bit of shaping of a long board which I think is the thing they were doing when they got the kickback and thumb incident. Boo
Don't you go cutting bits off DX
That is my number one priority!!
So, if it needed a real mannity man, your wife finished it right while you sat sucking the cut-off thumb
I wish she would finish it and if I find the cutoff bit, I am gonna wear it on a chain around my neck and tell everyone its a Ptarmigan's penis!
Making me google weird things What on an idiot's flat earth is a Ptarmigan?
I think its a weird fat bird with a thumb shaped penis!
She's too busy cursing him for not finishing it to finish it herself.
You know the mrs? are you the mrs who has created an elaborate blogging persona to keep tabs on him?
I'd make a pretty horrific Mrs. However anything is possible.
Remind me never to try and pick up a Nun when I'm over there. Sounds like a major hassle. 😂😂😂😂
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I think it would be a major health hazard!! :OD
Lmao, right? Probably have better luck trying to conquer the Orangutans🐒
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Hahahahha, no luck with them. They already have their God!! ;OD
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It is better to hire an expert person to finish the job, men want to do everything, but there are others who can help, well I already sound like an old scolding ha, ha, ha, the injured boy and it is the least I think huuuuum, better leave that work in other hands, you can offer them cookies :)
Sliced it off eh? Pfft thats right up there with getting a splinter. By gawd in the old days we never called off for such shite. You think John Wayne would quit work? Not by a long shot! Ha he would wrap a handkerchief over it and get the damn job finished!