This was really hard to write. I don't talk about it often...in fact, I would say I am only just beginning to understand it now. What's done is done. I guess because the real point to sharing my story is that this actually happened to me....and I wish we handled it so much differently. Medical mistakes are no joke.
Minutes after giving birth to my last daughter
Having my third baby was empowering, and almost killed me. I had her in a hospital, but I laboured naturally. No drugs....it was incredible. I was determined to have a different birth than my first 2.... epidural for both, fear, anxiety and disconnection from the natural process. I was young and un-informed back then, with no parental guidance. I was alone. Ruby's birth was almost perfect. Except for the medical mistakes that would change my very being permanently, marking the beginning of our journey to here.
The pregnancy was great. I sailed through and worked right until the end waitressing. I was determined to have her naturally, and I did! We had a great labor nurse, but not our chosen delivery doctor. The one on call was short with us and only came in one time before the delivery. I never saw him afterwards....but beyond his poor bedside manner, he had made a mistake during my delivery.
I had retained placenta, a piece still adhered to my uterus would begin to make me sick within days. The doctor didn't notice this when he delivered and inspected the placenta. I was discharged from the hospital 2 days later, feeling pretty ill. The next year, especially the first 2 months of my newborn' s life were a blur....not in the happy way we had pictured.
~5 days after birth, back at the hospital due to hemorrhaging. Ultrasound revealed tissue in uterus. Emergency surgery to remove it. No breastfeeding for 48 hrs due to meds.
~week 4 after birth, having trouble with milk, very tired and weak, hemorrhaging again. Back to hospital. Ultrasound revealed same tissue in uterus. Emergency surgery to remove it. No breastfeeding for 2 weeks this time due to meds from surgery and antibiotics for infection.
~week 7 after birth begin constant fever and no energy. Trying desperately to be a good momma to 3 children, cannot seem to breastfeed....crawling up stairs from weakness. Back to hospital. Ultrasound revealed same tissue in uterus. Emergency surgery to remove it. No breastfeeding for 2 weeks due to meds from surgery and antibiotics for infection again....kidneys are infected as well. They can't keep up with all of this poison....blood transfusion needed.
~weeks 8/9 after birth. Given up on breastfeeding. Thinking I am going crazy, crying and raging all the time. I am starting to think my baby doesn't like me. Can't get better and now having chest pains. Dr. sends me back to hospital. Ultrasound revealed the same tissue in uterus and gallbladder is now infected with stones in it that are stuck. Emergency surgery to remove it and once final surgery on my uterus. One week hospital stay to clear up infection. Baby not allowed in to see me.
~7 months after birth I began losing weight and having stomach pains. Rushed to hospital and had emergency surgery to remove 2 feet of my lower intestines due to infection...no one knew why.
At this point, I was a total failure as a mother, wife, as a person. I couldn't function and became sad and agoraphobic. I was told it was severe postpartum due to my age, the fact that it was my third child and my family history. I ended up on 6 different anti-depressants and benzos.
It wasn't post partum depression. 4 of 7 doctors involved made almost fatal medical mistakes on me. My body endured anesthetic 5 times. 6 surgeries total: 4 uterine surgeries, 3 of which were botched. 1 for gallbladder and 1 for stomach. 37 different medications in a 12 week span. No baby or family bonding. No breastfeeding. No chance for another child. As it turns out all of this lead to massive depression, a demolished gut, a cheated family, inferitlity, a 7 year run of addiction, agoraphobia, guilt issues, bonding issues, memory damage and permanent physical damage I am still living with today.
We called a lawyer. I was told a gallbladder wasn't worth much in court, focus on your baby and getting better. I had no education about the effects all of these drugs, infections and traumatic surgeries would have on my body. I took the drugs and tried (but failed) to live a normal life.
Ruby now
Here it is 9 years later. I quit all of the drugs they had me on (after becoming suicidal) by myself. It was possibly the hardest thing I have ever done. I am working on making peace with the years of memories that are missing from my mind because of the drugs, among other things. I am beginning to work on healing physically; I now have stage 4 Ashermans as a direct result of all the botched surgeries as well GI problems from missing intestine. I am also slower mentally now, I know this. I have memory and anxiety problems that prevent me from ever returning to my previous job or even my old self.
It has been much easier the last few months, giving in to the fact that I am forever different. I have decided that it is ok....this version of myself is exactly what is supposed to be. I am happily accepting a slower, more meaningful life that my brain works with me in.
Why did I go from keeping this private to sharing it on the Steemit blockchain?? Oddly, Steemit has helped me lately, although I struggle with this blogging thing most days. I have a hard time retaining information and usually function in a bit of a fog. Reading and writing is tricky (probably why I now prefer working with plants and animals) but it helps. So does reading about your lives, struggles, triumphs and wisdoms.
If you are going through anything I could help with, I would love to help you through it. My advice? ASK ALL THE QUESTIONS! DON'T HOLD BACK!! FOLLOW YOUR GUT INSTINCTS! The internet and the people I have met here have taken me a long way from where I was....I am slowly arming myself with knowledge and the tribe I need to continue to heal. If you have read this far, I thank you, perhaps we are part of a tribe. Know that I am here for you too. The best is yet to come, friends. ❤
Thank you for reading! Take care of you and yours ❤
Oh my Karen, I'm just now reading this! What an absolotely heartbreaking story--my heart is aching for you having to go through all that! It was incredibly brave of you to share. All the Internet hugs and prayers <3 <3 <3
Much love to you @mtnmeadowmomma <3
I can feel the hugs:) sending some back your way xoxo <3 <3
I have had to see my wife go through surgery, and it not easy as a man. I cannot imagine what all of that was for you and your family. You are so brave and should be a proud mom. And also brave for sharing with us.
Thank you @impatientoptim for thinking I am brave <3 I am sorry you and your wife went through that, I hope all is well now. It was very hard on my husband and little ones, I hope they are healing too.
Deep scars take time to heal.
So true.
There's tears in my eyes for you Sis...those mutherf*ckers!!!!! I can't believe how well you have functioned through all of this, you may have felt like a failure, you are huge success story not a failure!!
The strength of will it would have taken to get off of the medications is a feat not many can claim. So many cannot. You are an amazing Mother. I'm just so glad you shared this so openly, does it feel any different now that you've shared? I believe that sharing creates healing, and that all the things we keep inside fester and slow our healing.
Love you so much Lynds <3 I met you on tsu when I was first coming off the drugs and searching the internet for information and positive people. I can honestly say that you have helped me more than you will ever know....it has been a crazy 3 years of change.
I had to think on this before answering if I feel different or not after sharing. I have to say, I have cried 4 times today reading these comments....tears of relief. I think I need so badly for someone to validate my grief for what was lost as a mother, and all of you have. I am so ready for us all to be healed from this. Thank you for seeing me as a success story and not a failure. Love you sis <3 <3 <3 xoxo
Took quite some guts to share this. I trust this will help someone out there.
I'm a counselor myself and I can relate with how it feels to be suicidal.
Thanks @karenfoster for sharing this.
Thank you @ibeh-uche-sam, I hope it helps someone, somehow. <3
Thank you for being a counselor. You are so needed.
Thanks. Sometimes, the difference between fighting and throwing in the towel is talking to the right people.
Meanwhile, it's a good thing you survived and Ruby did too.
Live well dear.
Oh Karen I am so sorry you had to go through all of this, to doubt yourself, to not be able to bond probably with your baby girl, to suffer so much at the hands of the medical system. You have such strength to get through this and on top of it all to be offering your support to others. The system so let you down, when you needed it the most, you were doing your best to be a mom, a partner. I really can not imagine how much stress, you were under, with all that going on and all those chemicals coursing through your body. I have such admiration for you, for coming out of this and sharing this with us all. You are incredible xx
resteemed
Thank you so much for the kind words. Actually made me cry a bit...I think I am a little emotional after writing that lol. It has truly been crazy....I really want to have full closure with it. <3 It is all kind of surreal. I found out recently that my case is used in study since it has never happened before here in Canada.
The drugs can change you forever...I wish I knew these things <3 xoxo
What a shit show. I'm so sorry you had to endure this. Missing out on those baby days is truly heartbreaking.
I know what's it's like to be on the mud numbing meds roller coaster, to this day I haven't been able to stop the antidepressants that I believe have altered my brain chemistry forever. I've been on a bazillion since I was 13 and I have huge gaps in my memory.
Thank you for sharing this. The blockchain is really great for helping us open up.
Ruby is a beaut, I know you are doing an amazing job by her. You got this <3<3<3
Much love Karen xoxo
"What a shit show." #nailedit
The best summary I have heard. I don't think I will every fully shake the feeling of what I know I missed with her....thank you for saying that.
I am sorry to hear you have had such a struggle too...those drugs are not to be taken lightly, yet they do. Getting off them is a crazy journey...I am here for you if you ever do try <3 It is not our fault we started them in the first place, I agree...I think my brain is different forever now. I admire you and your family so much. You are strong, smart, caring, creative, loving and present for your children. You got this too <3 <3 <3
Much love to you too xoxo
Thank you for being there. I did try to go off them, when Dor was 4, I cried everyday for a whole year! Maybe I can try again before too long. I think if I impliment an herbal regimen I may be able to... It is something I want to try again.
It may be totally different this time around...or you may need more time. Our perceptions and coping skills can change and we might not even know it. An herbal regimen is an excellent idea, I am a phone call away if you ever need <3
You got yourself back together, that wasn't easy. Facing the facts, sharing is way to go and i admire what you're doing here. I hope it helps just being here, much love and a bear hug.
Thank you so much for reading, and for the bear hug <3 Facing the facts was a huge step...I hope sharing helps someone else as much as it is starting to help me. Better times ahead:)
Oh mama, Sooooo much welling up. When a moment of such joy becomes the source of pain, and for so long, the residual trauma is understandable. I weep with you for your lost bonding and the scars that were left from the negligence of an impersonal system...and I celebrate your strength to take back control of your health. Most of all...I celebrate your decision to accept a new version of you and to be okay with a slower pace. I know this lesson...and it can be a very hard one. Our identities are core to everything we know, when this identity is blasted apart through birth trauma, depression, or medical abuse, the damage is so deep and long lasting. Coming to accept a change in that identity is a feat...and a hidden blessing. Hugs to you from across the prairies. Some day I hope we get a chance to chat more about the fog and fanning it away. <3 <3 <3
I am having a hard time finding the right words to respond to your comment. Everything was just explained away as a mental illness for all these years and now it is so relieving finding out that I really couldn't have avoided it given the circumstances....I have felt so weak for so long. I just want to embrace this new normal as best I can....I used to be a force to be reckoned with ;) I too hope someday we can meet in person <3
Much love, have a wonderful Sunday <3 <3 <3
Thank you so much for your bravery for sharing! I love that we’re all here for each other!
Thank you for reading it <3
I am just reading through your post....wow. Can I ever relate, thank you for sharing as well. You are so strong <3
It is overwhelming how much love there is here sometimes:)
After reading your story. What I have burdened myself with seems so insignificant now. Thank you for being willing to share your story.
Without good health. Life can be much tougher. I know now from reading your story.
Oh, I know. We cannot know what we haven't experienced. And I know that to be true. We can have head knowledge and have sympathy.
But beyond that. Not much understanding.
I have been healthy most of my seven decades. Very few doctor office visits. Once in the hospital for a minor surgery.
No drugs of many kind for me now. Only supplements
I am so glad that you have finally been able to make decisions that will have positive outcome in your life. It takes a lot of courage and will power.
You are much stronger than you know. We can see that by reading what you have written.
Until the next time.
Francis
Francis, I thank you for these words. I am happy that you have had such success with health in your life...I hope to live long despite all of this. I am going to try to heal and mend to my very cells. No drugs for me either now:)
I still feel so much guilt, I want to be in a place where I do not think about it each day, it is taking up too much space in my brain <3
Have a wonderful day <3
I am glad you are both here. 💕
The anger I feel for those asshat doctors is indescribable. The quality of doctors has gone down hill fast. It is shameful.
Thank you @alaskahippie, me too <3
I totally agree, it would seem there is a lacking in quality. I feel like the odds are kind of against you getting a good doctor these days:(
Totally agree! The odds are never in a patients favor. It’s like they purposefully send you to the crappy docs so they can make money. Can’t make money off a healthy person after all. 😢👎
What a traumatizing thing to go through I feel for you!
Your story will bless so many others. Never forget how strong you are and how needed you are!
Resteemed
Thank you for the kind words @beautitudes8 <3 I honestly hope it helps someone, somehow. I hope you are having the best day :)
The fact that you lived thru this is amazing. Dont discount your accomplishments. Not many could beat the drugs alone! I know its hard to make up the time lost, but you are stronger now and well on your way to the destiny of your choosing. You made it this far for a reason, and its your time to shine Karen!
You are right, there is this drive to make up for what I missed but you can't really. Thank you @michaelevans <3 I am going to try to shine!!
Seriously, after what they put your body through, how could they have tried to say "postpartum depression because of age"??! Incompetent MFers! I'm so sorry you had to go through all that. It's fucking madness how incompetent they were!
I'm so glad you are in a better place. I relate to the fog. I live in one almost all the time. I twice had a moment of crystal clear clarity such that I was trying to describe it to my therapist like a spontaneous high. Nope. Just for a moment, a window of no fog. I honestly hadn't remembered what that felt like. But I don't have a real diagnosis. I mean, I have psych diagnoses, depression, PTSD. But that is not all of it. When I found out the weird times (that I thought meant I was losing my mind) I was having were seizure symptoms, I finally got to see a neurologist, who said, well, that would be really rare because that would mean seizures in different parts of your brain, so I'm not even going to test you, I'm just gonna call it a migraine. But let me know if that changes.
I gave up on trying to get answers or seeking help at that point. You have "mental illness" on your record and that's code for "every doctor will think you're a hypochondriac because you can't be depressed AND have other problems at the same time, apparently." There are days I can't walk without slamming into walls and I lose hours of time, but okay, I'm just depressed.
I don't understand why doctors become doctors if they don't give two shits, they could just become banksters if they want money, but I digress.
Sorry, didn't mean to rant, there.
Don't be sorry, ever!
Crap, I am so sorry you are struggling with morons. Sounds like they are dropping the ball (which doesn't surprise me) with you.
Truthfully, I have made the most progress on my own. Only one doctor presently will admit that my state today is a direct result of their mistakes, but the last few months having to re-explain what happened to new doctors.....I see their faces. No one can believe it. They are just people, they make mistakes on us just like we make mistakes at our jobs. And some people suck at their jobs.
I am so here for you. I am here to talk anytime...about anything. Much love to you <3 xoxo
*** oh...the postpartum diagnosis?? Literally from a book. He was showing me how "classic textbook" it was. The combo of the three made it a sure thing. Pills would clean it right up...ugh.
"truthfully i have made the most progress on my own"
this is so good for me to read. i've had chronic PCOS and issues with my periods ever since starting at 14 and the doctors have always failed me. lately the issues have gotten worse and i am SO tired of going to the doctors i just haven't (have tried natural doctors too)... i am getting strong intuitions to just go at it on my own... rosemary gladstar and other herbalists are allies... don't mean to hijack this comment thread, but that phrase really stuck out to me. thanks.
Thanks for your post, I hope you will be happy in your life and family everyday. Wish you all rhe best. Regards
I wish happiness for you and yours as well @bahagia-arbi
Oh sweetheart. Thank you for sharing your story and I am feeling very sad about what happened and also glad you are feeling you can live with it now lately. Your daughter is amazing and so are you!💗Sending you all my love!
Thank you @vegan.niinja <3 you are amazing too! Thank you for caring...sending love right back!
Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. The pain and endless cycles of surgeries and meds is unbelievable. I am so glad that you have found your way here to help other people, and get encouragement from others. Blessings to you and your family. Life is good! 🐓🐓
Thank you for reading <3 It was so crazy...I think the med count topped at 58 after a few years.
I so hope I can help anyone stuck in a cycle like this...I aslo am overwhelmed by the encouragement <3 Blessings to you as well, you said it! Life is good;) xo
oh my gosh... thank you for sharing your story and pouring your heart out here. i can believe what they did to you and i am angry at them with you! that is so wrong!!! and it happens all too much!!! i am so so sorry you had to endure that on your own and undergo so much pain because of their mistakes!!!! i can't even imagine what you went through.
i am so thankful you shared this with us here. it is a sign to me of how strong you are. how resilient. how powerful inside. it is release and it is truth and it teaches the rest of us many things... about what to look out for and how to be brave. thank you so so much and i am so glad you've made it to a place of self acceptance and love... That is the greatest lesson of all... though i am so so sorry this happened to you.
much love <3
@mountainjewel, thank you for that. I am overwhelmed that you see me as strong <3 I haven't felt that way for longer than I know but I am starting to....
I am deeply touched at the outpouring of support I have recieved here with my story. It is really something discovering other people might have had the same struggle had it happened to them and hearing other stories has me putting mine into perspective. Thank you for the dialogue <3 I hope your day is wonderful <3
Thank you Karen... to me you can’t be anything but strong to have survived that hell and have the courage to share it and to keep going. Blessings ☀️🙏
And steemit is so wonderful for those reasons!! Yeah!
Thank you for sharing. "Healthcare" nearly killed me, too, after devoting my career to that profession. I know I am very glad you survived and found the courage to share your story, you just never know who you may save. Or maybe one day someone will tell you how your story saved them, it has happened to me. HUGS!
I too am so glad that you survived to help others too. I really hope something comes out of this that can help someone....it would make it seem like it happened for a reason <3 hugs to you too @fishyculture. I am so glad you prevailed!!
Wow, what an incredibly heart breaking story and journey. You brought tears to my eyes while reading. I'm so glad that you had the courage to share it, and that you are healing and showing yourself love. I've been through quite a bit of tragedy in my life too, so I can relate. Much love to you.
@karaelizabeth I am sorry to hear that:( no one deserves to go through tragedies. I am here for you, thank you for reading my story and caring <3 <3<3 love to you as well
What an incredible story and thanks for sharing your journey. Hoping writing all this down will help with your healing and your memory. As a new father I can't imagine not having those memories and is why my wife and I try and take as many pictures and videos as we can.
Congratulations on new parenthood to you and your wife <3 yes! Take all the pictures! We somehow didn't take as many as we should have. We were trying to get through the days and I didn't care anymore about anything:(
I am hoping the memories return someday <3
My medical trauma and illness journey were very different...but I can truly relate to the resulting lifestyle. It's SO hard working through the mental fog and trying to move forward in a positive light with the mixture of old self and new self...old dreams and new dreams. Technically the new self should be embraced entirely...but being human it's all too easy to want things to go back to before the initial incident that triggered the whole thing in the first place. But everything happens for a reason...and these challenges do have a higher purpose...as hard as that is to accept at first. You are so brave for posting your story...and I hope that you continute to find healing and more friends for your steemit tribe! Much love and light <3
Wow, thank you for this <3
Old self/New self, Old dreams/New dreams is exactly what we are. I like this view a lot, I am sorry for your pain as well. Regardless of the circumstances we face the same outcomes it seems. Much love to you and yours <3
I’m so sorry you’ve had to endure all that, Karen. My heart feels for you and you’ll be in my thoughts and prayers.
Thank you @powellx5 <3 I am in a much better place than before, thankfully. xo
She is looking so cute baby. Yes she is growing up day by day. I hope you always be happy with your family.
Where Is This Challenge: Here is my recent challenge post. See if you can guess the location and win 0.1 SBD.
Oh Karen! My heart goes out to you and I hope you can be gentle with yourself when you look back on this time in your life. While you may feel like you "failed" at some aspects, the truth is you did the best you could given the circumstances you were under and there is nothing to ashamed about. I had my gall bladder removed almost 10 years ago so I can sympathize regarding the gut issues that follow. I also had a 5 day hospital stay after the birth of my twins, which was miserable, but pales in comparison to what you experienced and for so long. There has been so much knowledge gained in the areas of health and wellness that the amount of people who are failed by the medical establishment is astounding. I want to congratulate you for overcoming such huge obstacles, including weaning yourself off of so many medications. If there could be any good outcome from such an awful experience it could be the opportunity to help educate and support others, and offer your own children the knowledge to continuously seek answers especially when it comes to their wellness. Wishing you all the best! <3 Aimee
Twins <3 how wonderful:)
Thank you for that. It is so weird seeing pictures or my kids recounting stuff that I was there for but I literally do not remember it. Lots of sad kind of guilt still to work on. You too, no gallbladder? Ugh...they do not tell you enough about that. I just started taking bile salts and changing my diet 2 months ago. I had no idea....I hope you are faring well <3
I agree...there have been so many advancements and so much new knowledge that these things are far to common. Human error I guess? In this case 4 Drs. made the same mistake...the last one used an ultrasound machine during the surgery to make sure everything was cleared. Why didn't they do that the second time? Crazy. Thank you for the postitive spin...you are so right about the lessons my older children have taken from this....they are so aware. I hope I could help someone who needed it <3 xoxo
Twins are wonderful but being a mother to twins is probably the most challenging task I have ever had in my life. They are beautiful, adventurous, intelligent, and so exhausting to chase after and I love them so much.
Yes! Bile salts are so crucial. I also take HCl because I found protein hard to digest after as well.
I am so curious what exactly those 4 surgeons did if they didn't remove the retained tissue. A mystery.
-Aimee
I bet! I have 3 friends with twins right now haha, they have their hands full <3
I will look up HCI, I also have trouble with protein.
I wonder the same...the second surgeon actually called me to tell me the pathogenetic report and see how I was doing and I snapped at her because I had just had the third surgery. She said it was impossible because the report said she removed it and it tested as tissue. I saw the last few ultrasounds...I know it was there after her turn at surgery, and the next surgery. I will never forget what it looked like on the screen. I wish I asked more questions...
Hindsight is always 20/20. I wish I had asked more about my gal bladder before having it removed. Every where I look now, people are having their gal bladder removed. I have been trying to convince people to do the flush and change their diet first before getting surgery but I haven't swayed anyone yet. I spent hours compiling resources for people too. If only someone had done the same for me. -Aimee
This is so touching dear, sorry you had to go through all these bumps in life...Indeed you are super heroine for choosing survival in the midst of suicide, remain stronger dear...am encouraged coming across this post of yours.
Shocking story, hugs go out to you. When they follow their routine and dont care properly just infuriates me. Then their apologies when its all too last sounds all to familiar.
Firstly good work for getting off all the drugs. Great to hear you on the mend, sending out big love and reiki to you. Keep strong your in the right place 💯🐒