Warning: non cheery post ahead
I have been a little quiet on the posting front these last couple of weeks. I have been struggling a tad in the run up to today.
Because today marks the 1 year anniversary of my father's death. So, I have to apologise in advance, this might not be one of my funnier posts.
I'm not even sure why I'm writing it. Maybe I've gone fucking bonkers?
Anyway... Truth be told, my dad had really left us some months before. In February, on my birthday, my Dad suffered a massive stroke.
The call came, as these calls tend to do, in the middle of the night. My mum was bereft and on her way to hospital with my Dad who was in critical condition.
After letting out the strangest noise from somewhere deep in my chest, I threw some clothes on and raced in the car to the hospital. My mum had not minced her words, He's in a bad way. They don't think he will make it she had said, dread colouring her voice.
I arrived at the hospital and made my way to the ward he was being held in.
I got lost.
The hospital was fucking giant and seemed to be built entirely out of long empty white corridors.
I stumbled upon a young Doctor, she helped me on my way to the right place.
I bounded into the room my Dad was in and stopped in amazement.
I thought my Mum had said he was in a bad way?
Yet there he was, upright in bed, a little dazed-looking but alert for all that. I pushed in beside my mum who was holding his left hand, the other I noticed was in some kind of sling thing.
Hey Dad, how are you? You gave us all a fright!
I said with relief.
He turned his pale blue eyes to me and mumbled something incoherent.
My Mum advised that he couldn't speak properly but the Doctors and Nurses were pleased with how quickly he had bounced back.
But he hadn't bounced back. He couldn't speak or swallow or walk.
In the weeks to come, we realised he didn't really know who we were. Well, he seemed to slightly recognise my Mum and my brother but not me.
I visited him daily and watched him deteriorate both physically and mentally.
Occasionally he managed to say a few coherent words.
The first thing I remember him saying that I could really understand was 5 weeks in.
Jus let me fuckin die.
He had growled angrily before lapsing into incoherence once again..
We had a meeting with a Consultant.
He had said that my Father was now profoundly disabled and had suffered a massive massive stroke and was now significantly brain-damaged.
He said we could continue as is and he would end up in a care home but his condition would continue to deteriorate and that really, it was no way to live. Just existing until he died.
The other option was to take out his feeding tube and let him go.
My mum broke then. The events of the preceding weeks crashed on top of her and the spark in her seemed to go out.
She couldn't believe the Doctor. She insisted that he still recognised her and that he was still alive in a way that mattered.
So we carried on.
And the consultant was right.
He deteriorated, day after day.
There were scares, he had to be resuscitated several times after aspirating on his own vomit because he couldn't swallow.
Over time, I prayed that he would let go. For his own good. I suggested to my Mum that we should let him go. I am not sure how the hospital squared that with our anti-euthanasia laws but they still offered the option to remove his feeding tube.
My mum refused.
Let me go.
He would occasionally mutter, fixing whoever was there with a baleful stare.
But even those coherent moments became rarer and rarer.
My mum couldn't let go of the man who was her soulmate and had been for over 55 years.
And then, one fateful day, precisely 1 year ago he finally just stopped breathing and died in his sleep.
The whole thing was grim. I didn't cope very well. Ironically, I still posted on Steemit daily. I threw myself into hiding in my writing.
It was a release for me to do something other than focus on what had happened. Here in Scotland we men are notorious for shutting off our feelings.
I used to laugh at that stereotype and now find myself playing it to the letter. Bloody Scotland.
Fast forward a year and I find myself going through the same turmoil but my funny bone seems to have deserted me. Hence the lack of posting.
Don't worry, I've not gone anywhere, this place is a part of me like a third penis.
Time heals and it is relatively true. I am sometimes still quite raw about it all but manage to chunter on. My father was a giant in my eyes. Most people's father's probably are.
When a loved one dies it feels that a part of yourself dies too and it all boils up again at times like anniversaries like this one.
The last month or so, I have struggled with the advent of Father's day in the UK and now his death anniversary.
But life does go on, things do get better. We have to look up, remember the good times and that is what I intend to do tonight.
My dad loved Rum. It was his favourite drink.
So tonight I drink to my Dad. I think he would have liked this one.
I haven't been around this place lately, mostly I stop by to read and vote on your posts, then I'm gone again. But I felt compelled to respond to this one. Just to tell you that I love you me boom. And I get it. Cheers to the great men/dad's we've lost.
And hugs to you from across the sea.
Cheers lass, I appreciate it and I know you know. Hugs from across the sea to you too and cheers to the great dad's!
May 3, 1997
I received a similar call from my mom.
Tonight, I will raise my glass to both men. Then, a second glass for you.
Always remember the good times!!
ITs a bugger isnt it. We will always remember these dates. I will raise a glass to both and remember the good times!
Thats a fine looking beast
Earlier this year, I digitized my dad's "Celebration of life". It was recorded on VHS back in 1997. I was so glad it was recorded. I was completely numb during the celebration - I basically remembered nothing. This time, I was able to fully listen to the stories and laugh at the jokes.
The pain never fully goes away ... but it does get a lot better.
Unknown to me ... before my mom and dad had kids, my dad's drink of choice was tequila. I can only ever remember him drinking the occasional beer and the even less occasional Rum and Coke.
But ... I think a dark bourbon will be better for the occasion.... and maybe a nice sipping tequila to finish.
I do like a nice tequila, a proper one nad not the gutrot kind.
That sounds like a great idea. I get you on the numb thing, I barely remember a thing about the day of the funeral except that everything seemed bleak and empty.
I am seeing my brother tomorrow, Iam sure we will laugh about some mad shit from back in the day
Don Julio 1942 is my absolute favourite ... But the price makes sure that I only drink one on special occasions.
... and yes, the wooden box that it came in looks like a coffin. Which, in my case, gives it a little more credence that it's the right drink to toast my dad.
I've never seen that before!! I think I will try to source some. I love that box!
And I just realized .... If you look in the background of the pic, you will see the VHS player that I needed to borrow in order to do the digitizing.
Hehe, I havent seen one of them in a good long while!
I have one of "those" friends who has all the old gadgets. Beta player (check), Laserdisk (check), Turntable (check - before they became popular again), Palm Pilot (Check). Remote Control that you need a PhD just to read the 300 page manual (check)
It's always fun to ask him if he has something. Then watch him process through his mental inventory. Not to determine if he has one ... but to determine where it might be.
Ha!!I knew someone with a laserdisc player once, it seemed like the most ridiculous of faff to play something on it!!
My mate likes all the gadgets, he keypad the boxes and has a ridiculous number of things boxed and just sitting there
I don't know how to say the right words because frankly, there are none. I can only say that my dad took the long way home and spent years in a degenerative state, having Alzheimer's. They eventually get to the point where they cannot speak, swallow, or any other function.
I think losing a parent is one of the most profound things that would go through in life. It always comes in the middle of the night, because what was the last good thing that happened to you in the middle of the night? And no sex does not count, and I only added that so you didn't derail my comment.
Truth be told, I have no idea why any of us have to put on her face of bravado. Perhaps it was easier to go on with life.
Just like you said with touching a person that is already gone, moments after my father passed oh, I went to touch my hand upon his cheek to say goodbye, but there was nobody there to bid adieu. I feel for you oh, I really do and I'll be toasting you for the rest of the weekend. Because it's hard and then there is that thought that I just bubbled up closer to the top. Now that gave me a little bit of a scare.
Here's to Dads! Cheers! To you, I leave a virtual hug.
Och, this made me smile when reading it. So true every last word. I am sorry you had to go through that. Seeing them get to that stage is so hard. Even though they arent the person you loved they still are at the end and as you say, it has such a profound impact. I always felt the pair of them would go on forever and then boot, they were gone together withing months.
It is a learning thing and a painful thing.
Heres to Dads! Virtual hug right back atcha :O)
I have to say one thing before I leave you alone. When you recounted your dad asking to let him go, it sent shivers u my spine. That is probably the only coherent thing my dad said in his end days. The man couldn't put a sentence together, but, had the clarity to know he didn't want to live that way. I think that was the most painful thing to watch and know my mom was watching the whole thing with different eyes. She carried hope in her soul, I just prayed God would mercifully take him.
Looking back, I am ashamed I thought those things, I loved my dad, what was wrong with me? The hardship on the family is something nobody talks about. Because you want to be there, everything is put on hold, unless it was a necessity (or a bottle of tequila, clearly excusable) And your own health suffers in ways that aren't seeable by you until you take the time to sit down and reassess. My dad didn't even live in the same State, I had moved after I got married and have moved with the job since, so I went every couple of weeks for a week and the one time I waited a couple of days extra for one of the kids birthdays, I got there and he couldn't speak.
I never left for six months.
Like you said, you just don't expect them to ever leave you. When they both pass, you become an orphan. Try that one on. I bawled just thinking about never having a meal or a debate over the Democrats and who was really the better candidate.
I will say one thing. As sad as I am that he passes, I take a little comfort in knowing where he is and that he is safe. During COVID, I know I wouldn't be able to feel that way. Still, my heart.
My bleeding, bleeding heart.
Cheers, Boom!
Cheers lass!
That was the thing that got me too. He couldn't say anything legible, like the words coming out of his brain were getting scrambled by the time they got to his voice box but he managed to say that and it made you think what kind of state is he in that he can force that out because as you say, they don't want to go on like that.
I was constantly ashamed of how I felt. I tried to convince my mum that it would be better if we let him go and I will never forget the look of hurt and betrayal on her face because she thought he would come back from it, maybe not quite the same but somehow and he never even came near. I think that is what hastened her passing in the end, his demise and her never truly being able to say goodbye to the man she loved.
I remember the first time someone who had been through it said to me, its an awful feeling when you realise you are an orphan now and I just bawled my eyes out. It is such a truly weird thing.
i better stop writing before I start bawling my eyes out again!!!
I'm almost afraid to reply to this, for fear I'll go off the deep end like I did a few days ago. Suffice to say @meesterboom, my face is now a bit wet, especially after reading @dswigle's replies after barely recovering from reading your post. Perfect choice for a toast, and I'm sending hugs as well...
That dswigly is an eloquent one and no mistake. I think she put it far better than I. Thank you :O)
💗
'My father was a giant in my eyes. Most people's father's probably are'
(lump in my throat) Mine sure is!
I feel lucky I still have both, my father, soon gonna be 84 and mother recently 82. For their age still quite active even, living in the same house where they lived since 1965.
Both of them giants.
Just one example: Fuck Corona they say. 'If it is our time, it's our time (to go)' No-nonsense people.
Hope to have them around for at least a decade more.
Cheers mate, even "clowns (may) cry".
That sounds exactly like my folks, they were always like, if it comes it fucking comes about anything. It's a/good way to be. I am glad they are going strong matey! Keep them active, its the way to live forever!
Better get my big clown shoes back on... :OD
Maybe. Perhaps though it may be more due to the fact that we online, view-sharing funny money HODLers stumbled upon something that most mere mortals just don't understand. Sometimes it is cathartic to get those things we struggle with or that risk taking us off down a path that is a wee bit darker than we might admit, out in the open and in some kind of semblance on to the page.
Sometimes this has the benefit of exorcising the demons that cavort in our mind, sometimes we question if we shared a little too much of the private side of us and sometimes we read the comments section and realise we are all part of the same crappy journey of life and we are simply normal (perish the thought!)
You describe Dad as a giant in your eyes, that s exactly the reason that seeing those kind of influences to us in such a half-life state. It is the cruelest insult of death that some should be played out in this way. You referred to the euthanasia legality issue. I wholeheartedly believe that if we choose to check-out on our times it is for no man or court on the planet to remove that fundamental right from us.
Nope, not at all my friend! You are not a performing clown to be wheeled out at our behest with the demanding cry of "entertain me monkey"
some would say you are not all that funny anyway... Of course I would never be among that number :Dyou are one of us and occasionally real life colours our interactions here. That's life.Now to happier matters. When you crack that puppy open, take a deep drink, raise a toast to your Dad and focus instantly on the funniest, happiest, most inspiring memories of him that you have in your mental drawer and feel genuine gratitude for the man who had a profound effect on shaping exactly who you are.
Pour him a glass, he would appreciate the sentiment I am certain. Take good care my friend, may the spice of the rum chase away some of the darker clouds of the mind. Have a great weekend Boomie :)
I'm not a performing clown!?!?! Hells bells man, for all this time I thought I have been!
Yes, it has been bit cathartic, getting it all out and not cluttering up my brain like a, old shit that won't flush away.
I will raise many a toast I think andyes, I will remember him at his funniest, cheers mate :O)
I understand. I felt the same way when they told me I wasn't an intellectual but a narcissist, who knew? (admittedly my therapist, but that doesn't count!)
Yes flush fully operational again I hope. Yup good plan man :)
How dare they, what do they know? Run them through with your sword cane. That will bloody show them!! :OD
I'm sorry to hear about your father. That's one of the toughest things about getting older is watching your parents get ever more fragile. My dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer's about three years ago. He's 8o years old and fit as a fiddle otherwise but hallucinates off and on and is now really starting to struggle. I moved away from them 25 years ago but manage to get back once or twice a year and we've made some good memories throughout those years. I hope you find comfort in those good memories of your father!
Cheers, man! It is hard seeing them become less that they were. I am glad you are getting the chance to make more memories, may there be many years more ahead!
God bless man. RIP. Sorry to hear this brother, i lost my pops on a similar type of situation a few years back. It hurts for sure, but its good to see you back around my man. Lets keep fuggin rockin!
It is a rough one to go through but you are right, we gotta keep rawkin! It's the only way to be! Cheers mate!
My mother died in 1994 and my father died in 2008. The years have eased the pain, yet I still catch myself sometimes thinking of something I want to tell one of them, and then realize I can't. Hang in there; it does ease up after a long while. For now, I hope you have many good memories of him.
Thank you. I know it gets easier, it has a tad in the last year although still very raw. I do find that exact thing, I think ha, my mum/dad would love this and then comes a pang of sadness. It's all part of the journey of life i suppose but dang it's hard isn't it.
Yes, it is hard!
Oh man :'( I know this was two days back and I'm just now reading it, but will hoist a glass to you, your dad and my own dad who left too soon. Even though our dads leave us in life, their teachings go on for the remainder of our own lives, if we choose to hear. I know how bereft you feel at times. I also believe that somehow, they know our hearts, even now.
Ah, thanks lass. I know, it's true, their ways and the things they taught us linger on in everything we do. I find it weird accepting the gone-ness and accepting that I now accept it's a part of life which until last year I didn't think it would be like it is.
I also find it weird how accepting I have become of talking gibberish like the above :0)
ahaahaa....i find i am more capable of understanding gibberish the
oldermore mature I get :DHehe, yeah, I find that too :0D
Oh the therapeutic effects of writing. It was not your usual post, but it is not the usual day either.
I can't imagine how it must feel to lose a parent, but time, as I heard, heals.
I have no rum, I will just cast a silent inner prayer and hope it is good there up in the sky. 🙏
Get rum!!
I have lots, I hope I cn make my way through it and don't fall down half way!
I am sure I will be back to my usual sweary disbelief at the world in no time :OD
Hahah, you sound like a pirate aaarhhh🤠
Well that is a big bottle, make sure you drink near the bed so the fall off would look like the angels walking on fluffy clouds😂
1 year ago, man, that's no so long. Mine left me 20 years ago, but nothing like this, a sudden heart attack. I remember saying goodbye at the mortuary, I had never seen a dead person before. Cold skin and open eyes.
I tried to close them like in the films, but they don't close, they stay open. If you want to cheer up, then you can read my latest depraved tale, it's not Urbex for a change!
I shall save it for the rumming tonight :O)
That was how my mum went ten weeks later and I have to say, I much preferred the quickness rather than a prolonged half-life. It was a pisser it was so soon though but I am glad she didn't follow the same route.
I have seen a few bodies in my time. I saw someone after they died in an industrial accident in my first job, so strange and waxy looking. Yeek, On to cheerier things I think, I will look at your post now and not later!
Damn, that is hard, my mum is still alive and nearing 90 now. She has all her facilities besides being a little forgetful. I will toast your dad tonight with a whiskey, it is weekend after all.
The weekend it is!
That is good going, I had hoped my mum would be set for the same but alas it was not to be. Cheers mate, it will be toast city tonight!
cheers.. accept my condolence... We just have to live healthy too and avoid a painful death... i dont feel like talking too much in this comment
Cheers man, I appreciate the comment
Looks a beautiful colour does the Rum, cheers to the late and great dads.
Aye, it looks a fine beastie! Cheers mate
I was planning a day off the booze but it's my mates 41st and it feels like a should join you in a virtual toast. Yep, a beer or two it shall be :)
41! That's a milestone. Once you pop the forties they just don't stop. I'm awaiting the bell to chime 4 so I can get started :0)
4pm, very sensible! I'm thinking one now wont hurt the planned workout at 6, much :)
Ooft, I don't know about that, Could be a sweaty sesh!
Thinking of you in this time, thanks for sharing your feelings.
Hello dear friend @meesterboom
I do not usually write bad words, but your post made me shit friend, I ended up with a face full of tears. How sorry I am dear friend.
@meesterboom, I am sorry to hear about your loss, I read your post word for word and I could feel the pain, I too know what it's like to lose someone close.
My grandmother was like my mum and 9 years ago she passed, still thinking about the day hurts and I find it hard to talk about it.
She fell at my mums house and broke her hip, I used to joke years ago that it would happen and it f*cking well did.
This lead to a heart attack then a stroke all in the same day, but somehow she managed to pull through, she ended up in a care home, a place that she never wanted to go, and over the stage of a year she slowly passed away. Me and my mum layed with her and held her hand while she slipped away, it was peaceful and even though it was a sad time, I think it was easier saying goodbye than it suddenly happening.
Hard times my friend, your right though it does get easier, but still to this day I find it hard.
Everyone needs some time to grieve and grief knows no time limit. The men that I was close to, have now been gone a few years but that doesn't mean I miss them any less. The pain of losing them is not as acute. This Father's Day I raised a glass of my grandfather's favorite whiskey (Canadian Club) to their memories. Now I will raise a glass to salute the memory of your Dad.
So sorry hun its something i will never experience. This isn't meant to sound bad but you have read about my parents, you had a good father all your life he loved you and you loved him, he will be so proud of you (hopefully he doesn't read any of your Steemit posts) LOL remember all the good times. Hear if you need a chat ❤😁
Asi es amigo cuando un ser muy querido, mi manera de pensar es que se nos adelanta, al lugar que va es para estar mejor,, duele pero el timpo cura todas las heridas, gracias por compartir.
There is no manual, nor time-span, for ones own mourning proces, I think. Especially when it concerns the loss of a very dear one. Sometimes it can actually help to stay sane by picking up all kinds of tasks. It can be a lot to take in at once. And then there's all these special occasion days that rip open the slowly healing wound, or at least cause hurt.
My Dad has been gone out off time for more than 16 years now. And I can state that things do change over time, where those gone out off time will live on in heart and memories for ever.
It is a nice personal salute to the loving memory of your Dad, writing, telling stories, making jokes and also drinking rum. That way I created a few rituals to remember mine by. As a way to salute him. And now and then I talk with him in my mind, as I know how he would answer. It all adds to a personal way to let the wound heal and keep the good memories.
Cheers Mate, hope the hangover ain't too bad.
Ha, cheers for your kind words mate. The hangover was brutal. It was a doozy in fact. Ouchy!
I do feel quite good now though. It was nice to remember him in that way and it will be a nice ritual to have I think
You're welcome mate.
Considering the 40%, it had to be an outstanding kind of a hangover.
Glad to know you feel better. And I can understand that it is nice to have such a ritual to remember your father by.
Every year I go on a bicycle tour, as part of a remembrance ritual. When I'm in the village of Grolloo, I'll drink one or two beers as a salute to my Dad and then get back home. It does feel good that way.
I totally get that, I don't think I would have before but it seems important and it is a thing of comfort. Your's sounds a bit better than one though. Maybe I will have to jazz mine up and go somewhere rather than rolling about my back garden shouting at the sky, LOL!
Mine took its form over time. It is a 45 Km trip. The beer tastes really good after that. Going back the same 45, after that, is a real pain... But worth it every time.
The rolling about shouting you did sounds like the start of a valuable remembrance ritual that can be extended very well in the years to come. :-)
Hugs for you too!
I've been giving out a few today and not just because I can be highly tactile once I decide I like you enough
The funny bone didn't desert you. I think you're just not really feeling it right now which is totally understandable, however it's sneaking in regardless (or maybe you just let it chime in this post).
Enjoy the rum :)
Sorry, Boom. That is rough stuff to go through. When Mom goes it is not much easier. The lesson it seems to teach is time is precious. Make the most of it, and enjoy every last drip.
.
Lol, you are such an ineffectual paranoid prick.
Keep posting your doctored fucking screenshots and declaring yourself enlightened you fucking poor loser
And I am keeping you on my friends list so I can see the shit you talk non stop.
Oh aye, and on a post I put up about my father's death you post this? You truly truly are a fucking despicable piece of shit.
My apologies with regards to not reading the post and knowing the subject matter within it. My articles I post about this current hoax are for good reason, it is my parents, and everyone else's, plus possibly some peoples grandparents, the sick, those dying of cancer I was trying my hardest to protect and speak up about and to. My mother is 79 and afraid to go to any hospital, she has been sent a do not resuscitate form by her doctor, if she falls ill she knows it is game over. This video is from today, by an ex doctor and best selling international author, all the information you want or need is contained in it, will you view it? I care not about money or hive power, so do your worst the lot of you. I care more about the elderly and the sick so no money in the world could bribe me to change my opinions.
Having now read your post, I can not think of a more inappropriate article I could possibly have spoken out on. My condolences. I lost my father at 5, I know how it feels. I will not be back on here again. I know when I am wrong, and will hold my hands up and admit I messed up with this one. You are normally jovial, I should have read the content before commenting.
This is so sad and life can be such a bitch - I am going on to the fourth month and I guess the longing and pain will get better but in the best of times it just sucks. That realization every now and then that he is gone. Good luck during this time. Guess the sun always shines again and we will always have our good memories...
It is hard, I feel for you. At 4 months in everything still seems so painful. I am mostly ok now but have found anniversaries to be quite tough. That and the birthdays. Grr. It will all get better thought, that's what to hold on to