Dear Dr. Phil.
Have I got a scoop for you.
Happiness does not exist. Feelings of joy subside. Normal is a consistent beating. There's nothing anyone can do.
So I must do it all myself instead of being on your show. Thanks anyway.
I became old.
I was born yesterday.
Good evening, readers of this. My name is, not my name. I come from a place far away, much like the neighbor, who you do not know.
When I was young, I felt worse. Things are really starting to gather into a pile of life once lived. The memories are the only thing I haven't lost.
Where do I even begin...
When do I begin?
It is too late. I can no longer continue down this road. Something's gotta give but, even a miracle would be a miracle at this point.
Telling the stories only bring back the thoughts. The thoughts started when I was a child and are some of my most prominent ancient memories. Always there to strike me down late at night when I couldn't sleep. Bringing me to the tears and whimpers I had to keep a secret from my brother who was only one wall away.
They weren't my mistakes. Thinking of the hardships of those closest to me. Placing myself in their shoes; paralyzed. I couldn't even walk.
Their lives were replaced with my own as I grew older and began making mistakes for myself. Again, late at night, dwelling on my failures and embarrassments. No more tears. Eventually I replaced everything with fears.
To this day my biggest fear is success. I've been good at everything I've tried. I can do anything I want, except the things I really want to do. There is such a thing as impossible; and that's okay.
Sabotage
Something. Someone. Me. All three at once, out to make life difficult, because I can't stand easy, nor do I deserve it.
There's something wrong or, I don't belong.
I got to learn the hard way. The real hard way. Part of me wants to go back and live it again; fix it. Most of me hasn't recovered though and I'd probably forget my tools.
What should be a haunting thought, is not.
What are the haunting thoughts?
Well, for starters, I have several. Best described as individual units. Small packages. Each is an event from history. My history. The life only I know, and nobody else. Each its own story. Thousand word essays would only skim the surface. I can't explain everything but in one word — pain.
The dwelling stopped. That took years of practice.
Here comes the thought; okay think about something else. Here comes the thought; okay think about something else. Here comes the thought; okay think about something else.
Eventually there was no need to concentrate; no different than breathing. The thoughts, as invisible as air; no longer there. Still, without a name.
Naivety defined was me thinking I won. How would that work? One cannot keep a secret from self.
I already mentioned how I'm good at everything I do. So if I find a way to fight, I'll find a way to defeat me, too.
Have I lost control...
The haunting thought strikes in an instant. While doing everyday things it just pops up and goes bing.
"You've got mail."
A letter from my past hits me in a flash. There's no time to think about something else. It's there. Feels the same as ten hours worth of dwelling over inner turmoil, in an instant.
Holy fuck it hurts!
Then it's gone and I'm supposed to just carry on.
Like being punched in the head and left for dead. It's my life, flashing before my eyes. Or those moments that bring out a subtle chuckle seemingly out of nowhere because that happened a long time ago but it's still funny today.
People would most likely think I'm crazy if I was wired to only have happy thoughts.
"LOL @ nothing!"
So I guess this is normal. Talking about it probably isn't. The frequency and impact probably isn't normal; I'll take one for the team.
This world is testing me. Testing all of us, probably.
My most recent haunting thought hit me earlier, before I started writing this. That was a long time ago. Several hours. I'm sitting here waiting for the next one but the one before all this tried to convince me not to do this.
The confusion was intentional.
So, anyway...
I've finally decided what to do with my life. And that's strange because I've lived a lot of life, making decisions every step of the way.
Losing interest in cryptocurrency came quite naturally to me recently. I've been battling with it for awhile, thinking this was just another episode of self-sabotage caused by haunting thoughts. Sat around waiting for the pain; pain that never came.
If that thought makes you uncomfortable, just know I mean no offense. I am who I am and can't be anyone else. I still admire what this project hopes to accomplish, in its entirety. And I certainly have nothing against anyone who eats, breathes, sleeps, and shits tokens.
I worked for everything I have. That's how I wanted it.
There was a time when all I had was a temporary roof over my head. I remember waking up every morning thinking about which way to walk. Head north over the bridge. Loiter around a bus stop. They'd get off and I'd be standing next to a parking meter low on time, pretending like I lost my coin, frantically digging through pockets until some kindness and generosity falls from the sky and hooks me up.
You don't need to ask for help.
Other days I'd walk south, then east. I could turn a one dollar coin into four cigarettes. Have one in my mouth, walk along. Back and forth. Back and forth. Back and forth.
"Hey man can I buy a smoke off you?"
I'd always say, "I only have a few." And they'd always say, "Come on. I'll give you a buck."
I'd turn that dollar into a couple cigs. Then go right back to the act and do it all over again. Everyone was happy. Nobody got ripped off. Everyone flipping crypto does the exact same thing.
Every post I ever published was just me, busking.
Not asking for help. Not charging a fee. For every ten that walked past, one would notice me.
I still don't know what people see in me. Can't explain how things got so good. When a noob comes along, sometimes I try, but to be honest, I don't know what to tell them when they ask how to Hive.
Don't follow the money. Make it come to you. Don't obsess over things you can't control, or they'll come back to haunt you.
Have a nice day.
I read your post almost two times and while Im writing comment Im also deleting it, trying to write something smart, and deleting again....... After several comments, i decided not to make any today. At least i was here. That's important. Anyway, reading some of your comments reminded me what happened to me a few months ago. It was raining very heavy that day and while waiting for a green light I noticed young woman at her 20's dropping her wallet on the crosswalk . She didnt notice so I started honking and yelling at her. When she realized i was honking and yelling at her, she coudn't hear me saying she lost her wallet and her first reaction was to show me her midle finger. But not just this easy midle fonger way, it was very heavy middle finger, literarly her finger was in my nose. When she realized what hapened, she started apologizing while getting soaking wet. Well that's my true story.
Anyway, no comment today.
I deleted my comment again, but before i did i hit "Post" button by mistake.
This is turning into the day from hell for you. I hope things get better.
Man. That's too bad. I was really looking forward to reading one of your comments today. I guess I'll have to wait. No pressure okay? You just be you, and when you're ready, I'll be here to listen and hopefully say something in return that makes about as much or possibly more sense.
Yes, soon. Maybe not that soon. For sure when my "Delete" button stops working. But I can still read and can't wait for many more of your posts. Like "F..k it"....
I don't think I'd get away with a post like that anymore! That's from back in the underground days.
Yes I know. These were too good times. When we also could go to restaurant without this weird feeling, like being afraid to sneeze. When we could meet with our entire family and friends at the same time and same place. For sure one day we all be able to write again whatever we want and meet again with as many folks as we want all at once. Or not 🤔?
The times are still good. Kind of. And the memories will last. The good ones, hopefully.
A Nameless article in my feed isn't the weird part but excelling, busking, temp roofs, meter wandering, and selling budgeted smokes for profit is about as deja vu as it gets.
Nice to be seen.
It always sucked when they lingered around. Pretending to put the coin in the meter wasn't enough. Sometimes you'd have to turn that dial, or they'd call your bluff. Free parking.
Or when all four of you get out and push the car to the gas pump and dudes "I'll just fill yours up too." But we had a full tank and just needed some money. Shit!
I'm not following. What were you doing?
Pushing the car to the gas pump was always an easy couple bucks. Unless, of course, they're cool enough to offer to fill up your tank but you're not really out of gas.
OH! Okay. Shit dude, you would have burned even a pro like me with that one. LOL!
I was surprised I had to explain it
Life, a roller coaster
desires as thou certainty
if wishes were horses beggars will be on the move
life is pretty as well hugly
happiness a choice
fulfilment a must
The past is a mistake
today is under construction
tomorrow depends on today
Go out strong
Strength is in your thought
Hit life hard and harder than circumstances
Sometimes saying less is saying more. This the first time you ever put those lines together?
Yea, I got inspired by reading your content
Well. Thanks for that.
I look forward to reading your next content
I thought I changed for the better. They convinced me to believe that nothing is impossible. And the way I live my life is directly related to how I perceive the world in my head. It kinda made sense. Or maybe it didn't. I forgot when was the last time something made sense. But the freaking haunting thoughts... a sucker-punch from my past, they just keep coming back whenever I'm not ready. And then the stupid body reacts in its own way, I completely forget about my promise to stay calm. And here we go again, I'm back running in circles between my worst memories, trying to fight against nothing. And those memories aren't even that bad, I'm just tired after having to relive them over and over again. And even though I know my mind is deceiving me, but sometimes it's almost impossible to think about something else. Think about something else, think about something else, did it go away?
Wait, who am I and what am I doing here. Man, I think I relived my life a couple times while just silently looking at the screen, sigh.
Life with a hint of artistic stylings.
It's been a while, Yaan. Long time no see.
What's up man. I hope all is well.
Your writing is like a breath of fresh air.
Things are well enough. Thanks for the compliment there on the writing. It's something I hope to be doing more of someday but the daily grind is not something I can do again for awhile. It is encouraging though seeing a few old familiar faces pop back up. I don't forget anyone who ever took a moment to come hang out.
Glad to see you posting again.
As a person that was born suspicious of humans in general, watching other people freely help and interact with strangers is intriguing. It is beautiful. I mean, it's beautiful assuming they aren't being lured off by a serial killer, which to me seems fairly likely... ;)
Personality. You've got plenty of it, and that's what we come for. Thank goodness for big personalities.
Yeah you gotta be careful around those candy vans. Some folks only give offerings to make themselves look good. I find that behavior to be a bit unsettling as well. Even large corporations advertise their brand while the message is about giving back or taking steps to save the world so the kids have a future. Plastic politicians. Hmmm. This could turn into a long list...
So yeah, throwing down the odd post. As for personality, well, it's all in the secret sauce.
Each of us has a story and memories that haunt us. Some stay hidden in the haunting, some we share in 12 programs and yet others get scribbled down on a crypto page to stimulate the minds of the world.
Good
The shit that stings. I'm hoping we all feel that.
It would be nice to go back to the carefreeness of the cigarette days, not the being shit poor bit but the freedom of the mind from the accumulative stress of everyday existence that mounts up and mounts up until, boof! You're old and nothing will ever be that carefree again.
I think it is very healthy not to give two hoots about crypto! Actually, it is probably the best way to survive here!
Damn that all happened fast. Know what I'm sayin'
I knows it!!
I'm an idiot. Meant to post this in the morning, after sleeping. Hit publish button, like an idiot.
Don't sleep. Problem solved... FOREVER
Sleeping forever would be ideal if the movie is good.
No.. no!!! Never sleep. That's the movie!
Can't say less..sure
Can I say, at least/
Sure boss
Got it, Top man
This is the smallest small talk, ever.
That's the way to bake a parsnip alright
Catch me outside?
How bow dat?
This is a wonderful expression
One of my faves
Here comes the thought; okay think about something else. A great description for what I would call the loop of pain. The mind goes in circles and it's hard to get back the control.
Having a temporary roof over your head can sometimes be the best thing one can hang onto. You don't know yourself trully until you reach the rock bottom. Some stay too long=damage or diamond?But maybe the scars from damage make us what we are. Humans. Flawed. It doesn't matter if one person is flipping tokens and one is missing out, in the end, this life is about something totally different than money. It is very alluring and tempting though to think otherwise.
Chasing what you want.... I can agree with that as long as what you chase is inside of you. The rest will always elude you.
It does circle back on itself. It's ridiculous when you've learned the lesson that stems from a difficult past, and you've not forgotten, there's no need for a reminder. Maybe it's just a loose connection.
Rock bottom was awesome. That never ever ever comes back to sting. Feels like an accomplishment and eases potential future burden.
Yes, rock bottom can be awesome, you can find diamonds between those rocks if you dig deep
But you can't get there intentionally. LOL! Imagine some self-help guru saying, "I need you all to get out there and hit rock bottom!"
That would make a good comedy skit though.
Lol, maybe some will follow. For every crazy guru there is a follower base. But yes, normal well balanced people do not intend to hit rock bottom and sit there. When it happens though, it can really make you or break you. Who comes out of it and stands up high....that is a changed man/woman for life. There is nothing like the power of the rock bottom as catalyst for change.
This was a trip, at the least. Maybe someone else can relate to this, a little more or less than I did. Those battles created your character, however creative it is now. The scars from the battle still bleed from time to time, keeps us in check. Not many come across the distinct epiphany, like the crypto one u did, maybe it is because many didn't go through the things that gave you the critical thinking. @tay strong, as you have been. Keep hustling, as you have been.
And if anyone's wondering how old this bag of wretched thoughts is,
Thats a hint 😂
Mostly trip. Some drip. Will do. Thank you.
Sure one...
LOL! And that remark about age, well, maybe I just started young.
I was about to quote (>) a few phrases from this post, but that'd have turned into a Comment-Shaped Tears... Snap; time for my chill-pills again!
Unusual timing, mate. Check this out:
... !LUV ... !BEER
And that's what too much coffee actually feels like? ...I'm a Coffee dude, indeed.
Command accepted!
I saw this young lady speaking out. She don't take shit from nobody. People mock it. I say the world needs more of that.
So damn tired right now. Coffee would probably knock me out pretty hard and make me see shit that's not there.
I was on her side since day one, and the world still doesn't give a shyte about that but, we defo out to shout more :)
Get some rest when you can, my day just started with one hell of a post, coffee & meds time for me, talk soon.
I don't act all gangsta but I know I can relate to some of those personality traits. Not many people can give a fuck all while not giving a fuck.
You're too full to be empty. As soon as your cup is filled you bust out a new cup like its the new brand new. Dunno what deal you have with the cosmic sadist to keep you alive strangling and struggling. Read it like you're giving birth to yourself only you're still in labor, when the other one dies a new flesh comes out fresh from the thing that killed it. Ready to be the poet with no name left to use.
Kill yourself yesterday but keep the nobody immortal. You said it yourself, people subscribe to a personality. Don't sell your fans short if you doubt they love you. 9/10 of those fans are automated to like as soon as they are herded. The rest are in it for the ROI, kicks and giggles with you.
Apologies in advance for this lackluster response. I'm listening.
About to pass out but I keep hitting notifications and finding new words to read. Brain fog though. Can't shake the clouds. Be back later...
It's interesting how you've described the opposite of eating oneself to death, yet it still kinda sounds like a horror movie. And I chuckle. You're right about that.
That concept of having fans trips me out sometimes. In this day and age it seems so much accumulated influence gets abused. It's a great responsibility. Scary what can be done with it when placed in the wrong hands.
We kill parts of ourselves to make room for parts that have yet to be born. Not like we wear the same ideas and skin years back, something has to die and be birth from while we live.
An average user only has a handful of real fans here. One only needs to attract the bigger names to earn some autovoting fans on a trail. The votes are inflated. There's a reason why the view counts from the frontend was removed, it showed too much truth that only a few people really cared about other people's content but the votes are nice.
Too much publishing and not enough content consuming. To be fair, can't expect people to consume a lot of content, the whole place has a lot of people that have different tastes. The trending page may change daily but people will still be disatisfied about the content being valued on the platform. Like what did they expect? Cross cultural communities and several individual interests clashing for attention would really reflect posts they like on trending?
I ramble again.
I killed that previous self that had hopes for some proof of brain with content discovery and curation. Call it a mass of pet peeves piled up to eat away my sanity until it exposed the rot I closed my eyes from.
Always liked how you expressed your ideas. Might try being a bootleg copy of your style turned into my own version while I'm exploring ways to better articulate thought.
I'll see my posts sit high in the most viewed section on PeakD. That's encouraging. Today seems like a slow day but that could change.
I've always admired the chaos. All different walks of life, doing their thing. I've been to plenty parks and public spaces where it's really no different. I think the ones who complain are like the folks whipping by in their cars, honking and giving each other the finger, in a rush to be somewhere identical to the day before, and the day before that, and the day before that.
You're doing something right to get the traction. Can't say for soem creators that just post and run with the complacency to get the rewards and not bother with engaging. Just bad ethics on my book for people that arent bothered by the lack of organic growth on their accounts engagement wise.
I don't look at trending on the general Hive, just specific tags I'm into. But seeing it be brought up by random folks imposing their own view of how trending show be is meh, at least they exercise their freedom to express an opinion.
What was born was just having an inspiration to do better than the norm. I do get bothered if I don't get comments on my posts than votes. Commenting is a conscious effort and probably one of the best ways you pay attention. I just wish people that haven't curved their entitlement to an audience would get that. This made me think of another rant post now.
It's hard to support those who treat the place like a content dumping ground. Visit a few clone platform and see the same faces. I've written about it before. A content creator with a good mind for business will place their content in one location, then use the other locations to direct traffic to it. Since I own a piece of this platform, of course one can only find me here, as I do my best to corral all eyes into one profitable pool.
The most recent trending page dispute came from those stabilizer posts. They were going to clutter up trending with copies of the same post. I'm glad people spoke up and the common middle ground was found. It's bad enough people stopped looking at trending. No need to make it worse. We need eyes on it so our businesses can expand.
I've been trying to get around more lately. Leaving comments when I can. One actual human can only do so much though. I'm penalized financially for actually consuming, voting late. Some communities penalize you if prefer to use an all in one solution like PeakD. Consumer nightmare trying to visit all these different sites. So I just stopped caring about money... problem solved.
I'm the same, love the tokens but fuck em at the same time, I use one front end that holds it all and call it a day even if I lose out on other tokens, they are not pokemons, can't catch em all. At the end of the day it's about the content and the community we are building. Different strokes for different folks...same as the trending page. Many people still complain about it but it looks more organic than it ever did before the split.
I don't think trending is a good way to gauge people's interest. It's just a few accounts that dictate most of the visibility, and the dead bots that follow. We have some advantages at the frontend though, the fact that no AI computes who gets more visible than the rest. I wrote about how instagram factors in follower count, content views, likes, and etc within seconds to minutes of posting before shoving it at the back of the file if it doesn't meet the virality threshold. It's a different playing field here, a bit unsophisticated but I'll take it than some AI dictating how I can be visible without knowing it.
I tried to maximize my time with commenting and then trying to put some effort into the people I do follow or follow me, and curating random strangers off communities. Building real relations and not thinking of people as some fans. It's hard to balance irl matters, I'm even swamped with work and just trying to catch up with the people that gave me replies. Hive has been my social media and thought of the token value second.
I need this place as an outlet, gives me some push trying to pursue art as a hobby or get my writing exercised. Work just removes my creativity and all. I do get fed up with price talks, content dumpers that are really just blatantly out to milk em votes, feels like they just undermine the ones that are putting in the work trying to keep user retention.
There's something wrong with a person that calls themselves a content creator here if they're not bothered with their posts not receiving comments, or getting a growing network, or having stale content. I could understand improving over the course of the blogging series but if its been 3-4 years of the same scribble content and skill level, I'm just going to pass these creators as the meh. They'll go away once the money is gone dry.
HIVE!D
full circle...
{that's the wine toc'n}
So that's why it smells like bacon in here.
Ufff, your inner world is close to boiling point ... yes, I know people are different, but lately, I've only been dealing with reality, here and now, everything else has no value to me, because basically it doesn't turn out the way I expect, yes, sometimes I drink !BEER and then the world is a little different ... 😎 🍺🍻👏
Maybe. Maybe I should just throw some potatoes in there and make the best of it.
When it comes to 'what to expect' I avoid thinking positively just as much as I do negatively. Too much positive diminishes the actual feeling of reward and accomplishment, since one expected it. Getting shaft after thinking positive destroys the mind, since one did not do anything to prepare for devastation. Hold on to a bit of that negative and the world can again offer surprises. And the pain isn't so bad when one at least considered 'no' as an outcome. That balance is missing in this world, it seems.
I don't know ... my opinion (formed over the time I've spent) is that I don't expect anything from anyone in this world. My life is only affected by what I do.
Expect the unexpected. Take care of the rest.
As always I enjoyed the words and the flow of the post. The imagery was great, the black and white (grey) one really drew me in. I think it was the little wizard kid that pulled me in. The other one I really enjoyed was the last one, it just screams fun to me. it just looks so damned happy, and ending your words with that seem very intentional, to let the reader know happy can be found if one looks.
Turned out decent even though I didn't know where I was going until I got there. And then it goes through the washer a few times.
I made such a massive collection of images over the years, and so many collect dust, but they sure are coming in handy now. I was experimenting a lot back then. You're lucky in a sense that you know to look. Some folks were quite surprised when I began pointing out it's not just swirly nonsensical colors, even though that element is included. And they do help set the tone.
I find it pretty amazing that no matter your talk topic the pictures always seem to fit, even though you make them both it is not like you do them at the same time the pictures and the words. When writing do you pre-select the images or do they come in after the words?
The images come after. I try to pick up on ways to segue into an image, then out and back into the words. For me it's seamless but to others, I assume it would trigger thoughts.
Originally, many were released alongside humor or nonchalant posts. The art was never meant to be like what one would see on museum walls. It would be seen on the walls of a museum if that museum was part of a scene from a cartoon. Or if you're flipping through a comic book. It comes from that imaginary land.
Ingenious! :D
My gift, to you. I guess?
Thanks man!
Yes, this is the materialization of the dark side of my brain's absence
This is a valuable gift and I don't know how to repay you...
... and I only mentioned the cherry on top of the cake :)
...you thanks !
LoL
No need to repay me. Call it even.
...sometimes it only seems :-))
How can anyone like you you ask? Because you are real, you are not afraid to say things are ok-ish but not at the same time. It takes a secure personality to admit these things, flawed or not (we are all flawed by the way, some just carry it beautifully).
You can't chase away the ghosts in your heart or our minds, they will haunt you more. Embrace them, learn to train them to be your friend. A different understanding of the universe. Embrace the duality, that in itself is a super power. Great post xox
Often I'll come back with a response but sometimes some things are better left listened to.
Thanks Eh!
And that, is no fault of mine.
it's god's fault :P
the gwen phasers are set to suicide today, everyone feels it
Even google wants to know what the fuck a gwen phaser is.
Hello, @nonameslefttouse hope you're doing better than this post suggests (you still excel at the art of almost-confessing, nearly-but-not-quite Saying Something...). I think you'll be happy, as much as you allow yourself, provided there's an audience and you're able to play, semi-seriously. Just popping in to say Hi, I guess, it's been a while.
Hey man. I'm doing great!
How are you?
Writing away, during this period of enforced mass meditation, aka pandemic. Getting ready to publish my 9th book later this year... And, as I approach the Big 50 (in a couple years or so) scheming/dreaming my second or is it third act. How to live off my wits and reinvent myself.
I'm currently working on an article. Not sure when it'll be ready. I have a lot of the future stuff to think about as well. It's filling up most of my thought space. Since writing this article, I can only recall one time where, what I wrote about, actually happened. It's like putting it out there made it go away, but I won't get too cocky about it.
The pandemic hasn't affected me, much. I haven't been exposing myself to the constant media push. And there are still places in Canada where one can get away. I flew the coop before this was even a thing though.
All good to know. Best of luck with that article and being and Becoming :)
This is good. I will follow all.. please follow me friends
You're good.
Thanks
He is good. I am going to follow his friends
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STOPCheck out the last post from @hivebuzz:
Noice. Posted three times this year. Got that award twice. Soooo shiny.
You rock man! 💪
No, no. All these other people rock.
very unique and beautiful NFTs
in your Post
a week ago i requested you to visit if i will ask you write about Motivation BLOG so here is
https://peakd.com/hive-175254/@adikhen/knowledge-is-not-power-but-knowledge-could-be-power
need your 1 Mint please
your highly response will me appreciated
I smiled when I read this. You've found that out the hard way, or at least I'm basing that on what you've said in this post. I'm rather inclined towards the hard way, but have tempered that to a degree at this point. I think I just like the pain of it sometimes.
I kind of get lost looking at enough of your art. The more I look, the more I see, then there's a morphing and movement that goes on. Got stuck on some of the ones in this post that way.
The more things you learn the hard way, the easier things become. Then you're coasting along and the hard way is all like, "Hey! Remember me!"
That's so annoying...
And yeah I'm gearing up to get back into this art thing. Those special effects you're experiencing took a lot of time a patience to, create. The intention is to provide a unique experience for each viewer. Of course not everything I do takes that path. It's one I really enjoy though.
LOL (not an LOL @ nothing). Totally true on all accounts.
Pretty deep art man, gotta say. That sort of experience is not a regular occurrence with art I have looked at and do look at. Really looking forward to seeing more when you post it.
I can see that. Sweet spot with a direction that brings that experience.
I'm still very new with playing around with digital creations, but I find it quite easy to get lost in it for hours.
I only now saw this post. It really touched me & I could recognize myself in these words. Thank you so much! It is very motivating to continue believing in myself, the life I live, things I do & the dreams to come true! Some great advice you also give here. I bet that many people can recognize themselves in this story. Thanks for being sincere! Also the images perfectly follow the texts. Great work all together!