The Endless Conversation with a Daughter Pt.3

in #smallsteps2 months ago

Whilst talking to a friend who was asking after my stroke and how it affects me, a horrible thought came to mind.

This is all you will ever know of me.

It is not that this "me" is all terrible, but compared to "before me" it is quite a different personality, with quite different skills strengths and weaknesses. You were too young to know the other me and now that your memory is going to start kicking in for the future to look back on, this is all you will remember. I have to live with it.

But this is your reality too.

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There is nothing I can do about it and I am not making excuses for all the mistakes I have made, but I do want you to know, that this version of me, is not the only version that has ever existed. Yes, we are constantly changing, but usually this happens gradually and is tempered through averaging experience. But having a stroke as I did, is like waking up without legs and not knowing why or how, it is life changing and challenging and, what is lost impacts almost every level of everyday life.

Was I better before?

You may ask this and unfortunately I don't know for sure, but I feel that I was. I feel that I was more balanced and definitely I was more connected to the world. Now, I live life at a distance, even from myself and of course, that affects all my relationships, including the one I have with you.

Many people think changing thoughts and attitudes are easy, but in some cases, it is like telling that person who lost their legs, to just grow more. Some things are just physically impossible to do and at least thus far, parts of my brain are locked off to me and most likely, they will never be there again.

For you, it is going to be an interesting experiment of nature versus nurture, because the nurture on your father's side is going to be mentally retarded in some way, so please don't learn your mental processes and patterns from me - I am not a good rolemodel in this anymore. If I ever was.

But, none if this is something you should have to deal with, so I am hoping to limit your exposure to the worst of it, so you can have a normal childhood, unaffected by my limitations. But know, it isn't easy, as every thought I have is no longer automatic, it has to be manually instigated, which is incredibly tiring in ways that I never expected to be tired. Thinking never hurt before, but now it does and in order to keep doing what I have to do, I have to force myself to endure the pain, irrespective of my desire to stop and give up.

My motivation for this life is low and the enjoyment I get out of what I do is very limited. Not much gets me enthusiastic anymore and there is not much for me to look forward to. Pretty much everything I do now is to try to ensure that you and your mother are taken care of, that you will be alright2, no matter what state I am in. I don't take pleasure from this path, but I can say that there is contentment to be found in acting in service to you.

May you find contentment...

Happiness is an impossibility for anything other than moments, but contentment can be enduring, if willing to consistently act in service to what you believe in. I hope that while I may not b e able to demonstrate what a good person is, you will be able to learn from someone content in their life, even if that life is limited. After all, we are all limited, aren't we?

As I spoke to my friend, I felt a deep sadness in the realization and while you might never know any different in memory, I will always know that I was not the best version of myself for you - just the best version I could be under the circumstances. I don't think it is enough, you deserve better, but it is the best I can do for you.

I hope you recognize that we are all limited, you too. But, we can all do something to recognize and perhaps improve - or at least, mitigate our limitations. Most of all, I hope you have a good life despite me and never have to feel the depth of sadness I have felt - but if you do, know that being sad isn't the end of the world - you can still be content - you can still do what you can.

I wrote this while you were in your dance class - never stop dancing.

❤️❤️ Love Daddy


The Endless Conversation

These are for my daughter and I will write them from time to time in the hope that one day, she will have a collection of our lives together to read through and get a perspective other than her own. Due to their nature, they aren't easy for me to write, but life keeps reminding me that there is such a thing as too late, so I have to be prepared before that happens. And while a personal and ongoing conversation, I do hope that those who may read these will find value, even if it is in the form of entertainment, like a fictional book that draws the reader in, with characters that become familiar. Life is hard at times for us all.

Everyone falls over sometimes.

Previous edition - Pt 2

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I think, this is the deepest level of sacrifice from a father to his child.
Sacrifice becomes the best happiness as well as the pinnacle of happiness for those who sacrifice, no matter what their own circumstances are.

If Smallsteps reads it one day, she will be proud, grateful and grateful that she has a father who has sacrificed for her happiness regardless of your own limitations.

Imagining that happening, has also become happy. You prepare everything early before it's too late. She will read it at a later time.

Do you feel like you have to prepare something before "going"? We all have hope, that hope is what drives us.

May you always be healthy and free from deep worries, Sir!

Sacrifice in service to another has its own place, doesn't it?

Do you feel like you have to prepare something before "going"?

Yes I do. I get the sense that on such limited expected time, I have a lot to accomplish in order to o what is right for my family.

This was deep Taraz, I put myself in your shoes as much as I could while reading it and can only imagine how hard it must be for you feeling like this, but you are doing everything you can to make sure that she is going to have what she needs to grow up fit and strong in both body, spirit and mind and that counts!

All we ever really have are moments of happiness to hang onto and the fact that you have them with her daily, that is so important...hold onto them Taraz.

All we ever really have are moments of happiness to hang onto and the fact that you have them with her daily,

I think the challenge that I feel in this is that I had more ability to have these moments more often. They can't be engineered - going through the motions is not enough. They seem too far apart now and I wonder how much effect it will have on her.

I understand that, it must be hard because it sounds like you really want it to be different but you need to keep it real.

As long as you remember that when you're not feeling down about this, you're doing the best you can do with what you got, and that's actually a lot better than some, and that's most of what she's going to get out of everything in the end.

I am a daddy of an almost 9-year-old girl and this post of yours touched me very much. Perfection does not exist and there are only perfect intentions, the limitations and difficulties in life can only be overcome with love and I think your daughter is very lucky to have a father like you

I wrote this while you were in your dance class - never stop dancing.

Life is like a dance and if it is done with love it doesn't matter the rhythm or the skill because it will always have been an exciting dance

Thank you for this beautiful post

!LUV
!discovery 40

"Perfect intentions" is a good way to describe it - even if the execution is bad, the purity of intention can be enough for forgiveness.

Life is like a dance and if it is done with love it doesn't matter the rhythm or the skill because it will always have been an exciting dance

I met my wife dancing. She is a great dancer, I am quite terrible - but, when done with love...

I knew I was going to marry her the first time I saw her. So much so, I told my brother I would. It took a little more than the first dance - but eventually... :)

Hi Smallsteeps

As you see, the more we get older the more life gets complicated. You should know that there will be external factors which will affect your plans, but never try to delay anything in this life.

I like this. Everyone who comments on these posts is going to be part of her life in some way :)

❤️

I have came to realize that no one is perfect and we just have to accept our faith on how we see ourselves here on earth.

And how we see ourselves is going to change radically over the space of time, especially since "who we are" is in constant change too.

Now, I live life at a distance, even from myself and of course, that affects all my relationships, including the one I have with you.

Believe it or not, I'm familiar with this feeling and I can understand you very well. Regardless of whether this feeling of living life at a distance has been reached thru different circumstances. :)

The path to get there can change the sense of the destination.

Absolutely! And it is precisely when you perceive yourself closer to that destination, when you begin to live life at a distance.

I hope you recognize that we are all limited, you too. But, we can all do something to recognize and perhaps improve - or at least, mitigate our limitations

What an awesome conversation..

You are now a part of it forever :)

Hello..I'm sahlana a newcomer to the nest

hi.
Welcome to Hive :)

Hihi we meet in hive world


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sharing things with family is good for everyone!!

Now, I live life at a distance,

I am starting to understand how difficult this has been for you. In your writings, I do not find this struggle of yours to be apparent, and did not even in your earliest works after the stroke. But I see it now - you work harder to produce the same content.

Are emotions as hard to experience as ideas are hard to develop?

That's how the world works between parents and children: we are always connected.

That's right Mr. Taraz, the intimate relationship you have with your daughter is beautiful, it is for life, even after you are physically gone you will always be present in her heartbeat.

I am the oldest of 7 children and my 86-year-old father is still alive even though I have a few years without being able to see him physically because he lives in another country, we always talk and connect.

He still calls me like he did when I was a little girl, he tells me stories and I just listen to him and let him tell me, my little girl is immensely happy with his company.

I tell him this because I know that his relationship with his daughter will have that invisible thread that never disappears.

Your daughter will always read and listen to your talk with love, respect, and above all with ADMIRATION.

May the moments of both of you be to grow through the gestures of love that you both deserve... love is the only real and true thing, even when time goes by it never prescribes.

Receive my fraternal and sincere greetings.

As I spoke to my friend, I felt a deep sadness in the realization and while you might never know any different in memory, I will always know that I was not the best version of myself for you - just the best version I could be under the circumstances. I don't think it is enough, you deserve better, but it is the best I can do for you.

I could not hold my tears while reading this loving letter from a loving father to his daughter. You are a hero who does not allow limitations of life limit his love for his family. Don't give up, God has the power to restore your health. Please make yourself happy by writing regularly on hive. It will help sharpen your memory and ease you some nagative pain. My love and care goes to you and your lovely family.