I’m just damn near 69 years old and two weeks ago I met my birth family for the very first time. It’s an experience I simply have to write about, but as with everything, there is a back story that I’m going to tell now. Spoiler Alert: The meeting with my family went better than my wildest dreams.
Vermillion Cliffs Arizona
Adopted
I always knew I was adopted. I knew I was adopted before I was even able to grasp the concept or understand at all. My parents were always open and honest about the fact.
I have lived a truly great life, with no regrets. I grew up in a loving and caring family with all my needs and many of my wants met and exceeded. I was protected and cared for and allowed to be and do what I wished with minimal constraints.
I was an ornery little bugger. Me and my brother kept my mother on high alert for a lot of years. We were always up to something, and I do mean always.
There Was Always a But
People that aren’t adopted never wonder what their mother looked like.
People that aren’t adopted never build a fantasy family in their minds.
People that aren’t adopted always know who they are related to, and who they aren’t.
When I first started my search for my birth mother I had one question that I wanted to ask. “How could you carry me for 9 months and then walk away?” It really was all about me. That was 50 years ago.
a row of sunflowers
I was told by the State that records didn’t exist, that my life officially started with my adoption. But I was one day old when that happened, what came before?
I was told by the State that my records had been destroyed in a fire.
The state lied.
My brother was adopted through an agency, and they assisted him (and me) in any way they could over the years.
Things Change
As of July 1, 2014 the laws of the state of Washington changed and adoptees had rights. A right to an original birth certificate or a health statement filled out by the birth mother. I applied for and got my birth certificate and there was my mother’s maiden name and nothing else. A couple of months of dedicated online research revealed to me what her current name was and that I had 3 siblings.
My brother got his birth certificate at the same time, and the adoption agency sent a person out to make contact with his mother to see if she wanted to see him. She didn’t. She said her current husband would divorce her if he found out she’d had a baby before she met him.
I spent a long time writing a letter to my mother. Months, really. I finally got up the courage to send it and no answer. Nothing. I just presumed that meant she didn’t want to see me or to let me know ‘her family’.
Navajo Bridge, Arizona
Five years later I took a flyer on the Black Friday deal from 23 and me for their complete genetic testing. I got my results on New Year’s Day, 2020.
There was a first cousin listed there. Since they were only really dealing with half the DNA I knew she was my niece. I made contact with her through the site and she answered. We went back and forth twice before I told her what I knew, that she was my niece and gave her the maiden name of my mother as proof.
I didn’t hear from her for 3 days, long enough that I was pretty convinced that she and her family didn’t want to know.
I was wrong. It simply meant that she needed to go to her father and two aunts before she felt comfortable continuing. That started an email and text blizzard that ended with me driving into my sister’s yard on June 26, 2020 to meet my brother and two sisters. It turns out my mother had 4 children in that family, but a brother was killed in an accident less than 2 weeks before I made contact with them.
Oh, yeah. There was a reason my mother never answered my letter. She died in December 2014 of pancreatic cancer. Before she could have received my letter.
There is more to this story as you might guess, but I’m going to let that carry along until the next installment.
All words and photographs in this post are mine. For better or worse.
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Not meeting your Mom and Brother is disheartening, meeting your sisters will be sure to give wonderful insight into what your mother was like, they will be sure to fill you in on gaps where you are looking for answers.
Finding birth parents, story is always knife edge I know of a few where it has been heartbreak, whereas others the outcome was emotional reuniting.
Look forward to your continued story finding blood line going onto 70, you would think we had all the answers by then, alas always some more pop out of woodwork.
Yes. My brother's story hasn't had near the ending (but it's not done) that mine has. A lot of large scale disappointment when his mother refused contact with him. He's been a huge supporter and as happy as I am out of my story.
I darned sure popped out of the woodwork for my family. I knew a little about them, they had no idea of me. I had a mole: One of my best friends is good friends with my brother. He speaks very highly of the family.
Making inquiries before going in to meet was a good idea.
Law should allow children or adults to make contact around eighteen years of age for child. Many crave the knowledge of not wishing to change their current family situation, just knowing who their biological parents are.
Yeah, I'd like to see a 'free contact period'- I think. I'd have been a lot less prepared at 18 than I was at 68. I suspect with my particular family it would have made very little difference. God, I'd have been so conflicted at 18. I mean really.
I'd really like to see genetic records. By the time I got any I had already out lived most of the obvious threats :)
Why I mentioned a specific younger age is I grew up with a brother and sister adopted into a family. The sister was very troubled wishing to learn more about her mother, on finding out was distraught, turning to drugs. The brother never wished to know, grew up, grew old quite happy that his parents could have found him if they wished to.
Living in the same town for almost 40 years, one person I came to know has two sons and happily married. Out of nowhere another older boy arrived at their home one day having tracked his mother down. Mother had given child up for adoption, husband never knew, brothers were shocked and amazed, different families different reactions.
Lastly, a young lady I know reasonably well had a son and daughter when young, gave up her son to her parents, and adopted the daughter to a family unbeknown to all. She did however stipulate a term, in conditions of adoption, the daughter be made aware of her biological mother at 18 years of age for genetic records and any other information she may wish to obtain. Adoption parents kept their promise, child on reaching age of 18 met her brother, mother and biological grand parents they all keep in contact which is for once a better ending than not knowing at all.
Life is never cut and dried, having recourse to law may just assist families to know one another.
Here and now the laws are changed. Adoptees have rights to find their biological information, it's pretty clean and secure. I fell into a completely different category because I am old :)
Where I grew up there was a story about a man that died of heart failure at age 38. His son grew up to also die at 38 from heart failure. The son never knew he was adopted. I do not know the validity of that story, except for two men that died very early about 25 years apart.
One more thing. When I took my special needs sister to lunch to celebrate the end of quarantine for her from Chemo not Covid she told me that's she's going to check out her mother. I just happen to know that her file at the adoption agency contains extensive biological information and a letter from her mother. We know a part of her story, but she's now decided she wants to know the rest. Our mother encouraged us all to find out, she'd be incredibly happy for me if she were here.
That is quite a story (glad you gave a spoiler so I knew it ended happily!) You have me hooked i'll be waiting for the next installment!
So happy that you finally after all those years met your birth family!
Thank you! It was really something for me. I was a nervous wreck going in...
That is an amazing story you have there @bigtom13. Very touching too.
Thank you. It's important to me and I'm really glad you liked it.
More to come :)
What a STORY!!!! and what an experience!!! I am so sorry that you never got to meet her :( but you tried... I would love to hear the rest of this unfolded.
Life really is a fncking rollercoaster isnt it!
I think it is really admirable of you to share this so openly xxx
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I told @bozz earlier that 2020 will make my highlight reel no matter what! It's been just incredible all year, emotionally.
In more ways than one... lol :)
In tom this is like a movie script, i am very happy for you and love to read the second instalment please tag me so i wont miss, and stay safe
Britt
Thank you. I don't know about a movie, but the 'stills' have been incredible from my point of view. And my new family genuinely welcomes me. Just amazing.
I'll give you a bump when I publish part 2. Maybe Monday...
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Sorry that you were never able to get to meet your birth mother and have your question answered. My guess is that she had your best interest in mind and not hers. I look forward to hearing the rest of this story for sure.
Also, the wife and I know the feeling of joy adoptive parents have in bringing home the one day old infant. Our oldest boy is adopted and we experienced that with him. I also let you know another thing, and your parents that raised you would probably agree, there was always a feeling in the back of our minds that someday the birth mother would come back and want her child back. Those feelings were pretty strong in the beginning but became less over time, it wasn't until he was eighteen that we finally let go of that fear for good. Being adoptive parents is very rewarding and very stressful as well.
Great story,
Sult
I think this is what my mom would say if she had hive!
I thank her for raising me and taught me many things and fo always being there when I am sick and needed someone to rely on. I came to know I was adopted at age seventeen, just about five years ago. It took me a while to accept the fact that my mother gave me away to give me a better chance in life. I hope your son cherished what you did for him.
Cheers.
Thanks for taking the time to read my comment to Tom and replying to me. My son is the same age that you are according to your note. We don't have the perfect life by any stretch of the imagination but he knows that his life with us has been one of being loved, appreciated, and cared for and lets us know that very frequently.
" I hope your son cherished what you did for him.", you said. I can tell you he has, and does cherish his life and family and lets us know very often. Not only in words but through his actions.
I took the opportunity to peak at your blog and read the latest there you posted about your tweet, I plan to get back over there and comment on that one. You enlightened me on a couple of things , thanks.
~signing off ~ ?
That's really good to hear :) !
Well, after I grew up a bit (like when I was maybe 55 :)) and it got to be not so much about me. I talked to my mother about the stresses of adopting. I REALLY appreciate what you did for your son, and I can hardly express what both my mothers gave to me. There is absolutely no question that my birth mother did the very best for me she could...
Thanks Sult. I always appreciate your presence.
No problem man, glad I could offer some perspective that others might not realize, obviously you had already gained that from talking to your mother. We did like your parents and we let our boy know from day one he was loved first, and adopted second. He is half Hispanic so it wasn't like we could have pulled the wool over his eyes even if we wanted too. The wife is German heritage with blue eyes and blonde hair and I'm Irish & Ukraine with green eyes so him being darker skinned with jet black hair and brown eyes is pretty dead giveaway we aren't his birth parents.
I am just so glad for you.
<3 I already knew parts of this story but it's sooo good to see it end up here. I'm still incredibly happy for you and am quite emotional for you as I probably can't even imagine 1% if the feelings you're experiencing with this huge discovery about who you are. Will wait patiently for follow-up stories. Big hugs!
Thank you my friend. I'm going to try to deal with at least some of the emotions next time. I'm not sure I have adequate words. I'll try.
<3 Trying is good enough. This is something you'll never be able to experience again, so the documenting of it is worth it :-)
Wow, that is quite the tale. I think it is pretty awesome that the adoption agency did a bunch of the leg work for you. I am sure part of it was because they knew the screwed up or the state messed up, but anyway. I look forward to reading more about your trip and the time you have been away from Hive. It sounds like it was a great refresher for you.
It was a great refresher for me. I am just happier when I am out 'seeing' things. I was able to use my Nikon for something other than a paperweight which also makes me happy.
The adoption agency sorta 'adopted' me. When my folks applied for my brother they ran me through a battery of tests to see that I was well adapted and progressing normally. So I have records there, even though I wasn't adopted through them. They have always been very good to me.
It probably helps that one of the founders of the agency was the one that tested me and she loved me. We stayed in touch until her death in the late 90s. I was three and she asked me what my shoes were made of. I told her I didn't know. Did she? Then I took a shoe off and handed to her so she could tell me :) She was a welcome guest at my parents house for the rest of her life...
That is pretty awesome. Social workers and that sort get a lot of bad press these days. It is nice to hear about one who did things right.
You have just made my day! I have been waiting for you to get back and write about your experience, especially while it is still all fresh in your brain. Are your brother and sisters about your age? Were they as excited as you?
I always thought kids that were adopted were truly special because they were chosen. They were just born into a family but carefully preselected. There was a choice. To have or not.
I am sorry you missed your mom by a few years, but, you really scored! Do your sibs look anything like you?
I am glad you took the leap and were pretty tenacious about it. It is a beautiful story and even a happy ending.
Le sigh.
Thanks so much for sharing this part of you.
Upped and Reposted
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My siblings are younger, starting at about 3 years younger. Amazingly to me, my brother and sisters WERE as excited as me. The 4 of us (plus two spouses) sat in my sister's yard. It took about 15 minutes and we were on for the next 4 hours! I do look like my brother, and the resemblance to my grandfather is almost uncanny. I'll offer photographic proof in the next round.
Thanks Denise. I really appreciate your words and consideration!
That is sooo cool! I need to keep alert for the next ones. I am so behind.
Do they live far? Sounds like you may be able to get to together with them. Won't that be nice? I think it is pretty nice to have a built-in family like this! I really could not be happier for you!
Oh, proof! That is awesome! I love generational resemblances!
I hope you are having a great day!
Beautiful photos! What a wonderful and touching story, I'm glad your experience went better than anticipated and get to reconnect with lost family and fortunate enough to have been raised in a loving family, now you have more people to love! Sorry to hear you never got to meet your mother and ask the questions. Hopefully you get to carry on relationships and possibly meet more relatives of yours.
You are absolutely right about people not adopted can't begin to understand the thoughts that go thru ones head not knowing why you were left behind, who are you really, what do they look like, do relatives know about your existence, how about other siblings... the questions are endless. I don't give it much thought anymore, maybe I'm afraid of the answers, maybe just never wanted to know me. I never tried all that hard either, just lived my life and moved on for the most part. I did briefly meet my biological father once when I was 8 or 9 but nothing ever came of it.
Thanks for the tip btw :)
You KNOW. I didn't work all that hard at it, really. I'd go years between efforts. My adoptive brother did the birth certificate thing before me and sent me the necessary paperwork to complete it. His story didn't play as well as mine, unfortunately.
I made peace with the whole thing years ago. I just have a curious nature and that's all that kept me going, not some pressing need to know. It was curiosity that prompted me to spit in the test tube to begin with, I really didn't even consider that it might be a pathway to my family.
That's good that it isn't something you stressed over or were bothered with. As a child it used to get to me a little and I was curious, when we met and never got my answers well it left a bit of a sour taste but I got over it as an adult. I don't get along with my current family and was always treated different in a bad way, maybe why I wanted to know more. I can't say I'm curious enough to spit in a test tube for the dna kit to find out, I have a few issues with sharing that sort of information with unknown entities, obviously it worked out well for you.
Sucks for your brother to put in all that work and get disappointed, I hope he didn't take too hard, such is life sometimes. Some people have a twisted sense of priority, she's missing out on what could have been something special. I'm under the impression the case is the same for me, he just didn't want a relationship and I respect that, about all I can do.
Yep. I don't have to understand something to respect it. By all reports my mother would have welcomed me back. At least I'd like to think that...
I want to read the continuation of this story !! Thank you for sharing this Tom.
I'm glad you liked it. "the rest of the story' will probably be out Monday. I've been writing some notes. It feels so important to me that I want to get it right...
Thanks for stopping by. Always appreciated!
Firstly @bigtom13 how are you? Glad to see you, I've been so busy I'm falling behind my steemian, er I mean hivian friends lol.
This is an amazing and sad but hopeful story. I can't wait to hear what else you found and at least as someone being adopted you now you WERE wanted, I'm sure your adoptive parents were through the roof when they were allowed to bring you into their life!
Man it's good to see you Donna! There seems to be an explosion of 'electronic art' here on Hive. I hope that you can fit into that niche, it'd make me really happy.
I lived a good life. My parents took care of me and nurtured me with never a feeling of difference. I knew I was wanted and loved for a fact.
I'm trying, but I've been so busy as I've taken on making videos for Youtube now, just living our life here at our house on the sea, so I have to squeeze in that and art making. Lock down has only made me work harder I guess?
Wow, this is unbelievable @bigtom13! I can't wait to hear about your visit. I am so happy you were able to find your birth family. 😃
Thank you. I'm actually a little nervous about telling the rest, because it's such a huge event for me. Monday, I think!
Oh wow so happy for you @bigtom13 but sad that it was too late to meet your biological mom! I'm sure the timing nevertheless was good for the family especially after the loss of the brother you never knew. My grandpa took my mom on as his own and she sadly never met her biological father nor the family on his side, one always longs to just meet them once. So glad yours went so well!
It's just been a blessing from the start. We are quite similar in a lot of ways and it's been a joy to meet them and get to know them some.
I actually can't wait to go back.
Oh! Both beautiful and heart wrenching! You all lost one brother, but they also gained one. I'm sorry you never met your birth mother. Glad you have found your remaining three siblings though.
Your brother must be saddened by his mother's response.
There's so much in this!
That would describe how me and my brother feel about our current birth family situations.
He's planning a later contact with his half siblings. Once his mother or her husband die. It's kind of a crappy plan, but it's really his only option...
How will he know if one of them dies? And he could still seek out his birth father couldn't he?
He knows exactly who they are and where they are.
The father is harder to track. I have a listed 2nd cousin at 23 and me that is not related to the rest of my family. It's just got to be my uncles kid. I'm awaiting contact as we speak.
It is just wonderful that you got to meet some of your family. Please tag me too in the follow up. Very eager to read the rest of your story.
Thank you! I will tag you for the next edition, it'll probably be Monday.
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