So I was visiting a friend in Cape Town just a while ago and a conversation went summink like this:
me: shared some of what went down over these last years
him: no reply. looks at his watch and then off into the distance
me: shared a bit more
him: advice on letting it go and getting on with my life
me: "Well it's kinda hard to move on when you're basically still in it."
*silence
We mostly don't talk about stuff because we aren't comfortable dealing with it.
I understand this. I've been there. For years I was there as well.
But...
I was only able to be "me" when I became able to observe, hear and feel everything and all of it. Both my own stuff and the stuff of those around me. Of course.
And people are only able to heal when their experiences are validated.
This is, arguably, the most important part of trauma recovery.
And so...
by refusing to allow people to speak freely about their experiences...
we hold them trapped inside of those experiences forever, possibly.
And we prevent any healing for them, or ourselves, as well.
All because of fear again. And again... there is nothing to be afraid of
But I've learned a bit.
So a bit later on that day I broached the topic again. And the conversation, this time, went summink like this:
"Hey Jason, can I talk to you about something please? It's important to me and it may be uncomfortable for you. Is now a good time? Or would you let me know a time that you'd be okay with this, please?"
*he stops mid walk and stares at me. Then nods and says now's a good time and to go ahead.
"I don't need to you to pick sides." I say. "And I don't need you to do anything or jump in and fix anything. I've been in this and I've got this and I'm okay. But what I can't do is walk around and be with you and pretend that none of this happened because you can't deal with it. Okay? I can't pretend anymore.
"I've come too fuckin' far and I've lost too much to go back to pretending. And you don't get to deny my reality because it's too hard for you to deal with. So, if we carry on seeing each other, you're either going to have to deal with my reality and allow me to express myself honestly, or we can part ways and be distant acquaintances. And I'll still care about you and love you because I actually get it and I understand."
But I don't do that polite pretending shit anymore. That's your fear. I've dealt with mine. I've worked years and I've worked hard to get over that rubbish. And that's not my stuff to carry. I'm not carrying anybody else's stuff anymore, okay? I have enough of my own to deal with, thanks."
As I'm talking, and kinda moving into a rant tbh, he starts to nod and smile.
And as I finish off with the punchy "not my shit to carry and I won't do it part", he says, "You're absolutely right!"
The rest of the weekend is honest, intimate and so very special. And I get to hear a whole lot more about what's really happened to him as well.
They say everybody is fighting a battle we don't know about and all that.
This is another true story.
I'll tell you what another true story is...
speaking openly about my experience was something I intentionally did as a part of the recovery I just took a massive for, to try and sort things out in full.
I was dying faster than I'd like to again, you see. And this is a fact and I also had to accept it to slow it down.
I also returned to philosophy to try and make sense of some stuff during the recovery.
Man... highly recommended. Like... highly!
And I withdrew for a while and watched some animals.
I prefer animals, these days, because they don't pretend.
It's simpler to just be. With animals.
Until things pass...
As they inevitably do.
If we don't ignore them.
A visitor arrives one day, during this process, through a door left open.
And makes himself comfortable.
He won't come near me when I stumble upon him outside though.
A wanderer. And a bit feral, perhaps.
He doesn't trust people much either for some reason.
So I don't try to force him to let me pet him.
When we see each other, sometimes miles away from his actual home, we stop and stare at each other for a bit. Just a simple acknowledgement.
And then we walk on.
But on this day he came to lie nearby me for a while.
He still wouldn't let me pet him though...
I stumbled upon a Tortoise the other day.
They were more scared of me than I was of them.
Of course.
But I was worried they'd get run over because they were trying to cross the main road. So I stopped to pick them up and put them back into the brush nearby instead.
I couldn't catch them though.
I thought Tortoises were supposed to be so slow.
And "slow and steady wins the race" has always been one of my favourite sayings.
For realsies... and one day I won't have to say that anymore and that's not your fault either, you know. With all that confirmation bias and unconscious bias and all that sneaky shadow stuff at play
I had a few really rough days, while I processed some stuff I'd been busy trying to avoid. I took a walk, on one of these days, to move through some things that were too heavy to sit with.
And I met some Alpacas.
I stopped and leaned on the fence to watch them for a while.
The man who owns them came out of his house to talk to me.
He could see me straight away.
He was in the Gulf War, he said.
I was embarrassed to be seen like that. So fragile and uncertain. But he carried on as though it was just fine.
He was gentle and kind. He didn't have to say much more. And I know he told me his history because he could see we had some things in common.
We both knew. We didn't have say anything else, really. Just see each other.
I think when people have had similar experiences they don't need to pretend quite so much. There's less fear of those experiences because they've already experienced them.
And survived anyway.
I couldn't talk much that day, myself. Or very coherently, I think.
So he gave me some carrots, told me not to curl my fingers so I wouldn't get bitten and left me in the comfort of silence with the animals. To feed them.
He mentioned they are used in trauma recovery as well.
Like horses.
I left feeling much better. Far lighter. More at peace. That's all I had to process that day, really.
Something lifted a little bit more as I walked home.
I even laughed before I left...
Watch out for those Llamas though...
I sat and watched the baboon troop in the village one morning.
I was there early and they were there to forage. And steal if they could.
It was early and I wasn't in any rush, so I stood and watched them for a while.
A few mothers with some small infants. The infants playing together. The mothers and babies separated from the main troop, headed by the alpha male, because he may attack the infants.
The baboons know themselves well enough to organise themselves effectively.
A couple of younger males are left to protect the mothers and infants.
I think that is really civilised. And functional. And rational. And sane.
The troop moves together. In unison even though parts of it are separated to protect their young. And to protect the mothers so that they can protect their young.
I think of our "civilised" western "culture", as I watch this organised unity, and of how our mothers are largely left to struggle alone. And of how our children suffer the consequences of stressed parenting. Or not much parenting at all because work and bills, you know.
But, in my society, this is "normal".
This is "civilised".
I comment to a few people that I think baboons are more organised and, possibly, more civil that we humans are right now. In our so called "evolution".
But, of course, this is misinterpreted because of other people's stuff. Again. I can see it when it happens. I can hear it in the awkward silences now. But we humans aren't yet evolved enough to ask for clarity and understanding. We pretend instead. We deny and ignore.
Which are, again, all the same thing.
And I no longer try to explain myself quite so much when I see it now. I've learned that you can't control the thinking and perspective of other people.
I've learned that it doesn't matter very much what you say, sometimes. And that anything you say can be used against you if someone wants to turn the tide. So I let that stuff go now. The gossip and misunderstanding, I mean.
Because I've learned how to wait a bit more.
Understanding takes a bit longer when people are afraid to talk, you see.
The troop comes by my place on another day and I step outside to see them. To watch the group dynamic again. I'm a bit fascinated by now, because it's so very different from we humans.
Maybe because we deny and ignore our own animal impulses.
And pretend so much.
On this day, the alpha male is sitting on my roof. Right on the very peak.
He's a marvellous sight. I wish I had a camera, with a decent zoom lense, when I see him on the white peak of the house with the azure sky of just beginning summer behind him.
The mothers are separated again. The infants playing in a garden across the road.
He sits up there watching over the troop on his own while they play and forage.
One of the baboon watchers today is a brash, macho man. He's kind of arrogant and cocky and, as he walks down the road, one of the female baboons sees him coming and screams a couple of times.
They've never done this when I've walked by them.
I'm standing behind the man as this happens and, as her alarm call goes off, the alpha male rises.
He puts his fists onto the roof of the house and his shoulders spread. His head is slightly lowered and he leans forward, and seems to grow even bigger, as I watch him step up. His eyes are locked onto the man walking towards the female and I can see he's about to come at us.
This is the first time, in the months I've been quite close up to them and watching them, that I feel fear.
I back away and break eye contact to show I'm not a threat. I'm angry with the man who's being so brutish and unconscious. And utterly disrespectful.
It's foolish and unnecessary.
But I'm also totally in awe at how powerful and protective this alpha male baboon is over his female. And something primal stirs within me and I find myself wishing I had a male like that in my life.
Most of the men in my society aren't like that anymore.
When I turn away the man breaks his stride.
The female baboon runs up to the house, climbs the roof and sits behind her alpha male as he sits back down and continues to watch his troop. Kingly. That's how he looked. Regal.
His female cuddles up behind him and begins to groom his back while he watches over the rest of the troop.
It's endearing and sweet.
Beautiful, really.
I wish I had a male to take care of like that, who'd protect me against the men like that man who caused all that unnecessary noise.
I even go as far as to say this to the man as I walk away.
We've forgotten how to take care of each other in my society. We've forgotten who we are. Essentially. And why we maybe need to combine our respective strengths to live in unity and harmony. Successfully.
But my sudden interest in the dynamics of the troop, and the male and female interactions, will be mostly misunderstood by the people I share it with.
Maybe it will make more sense if I make notes of it here.
Someone smashed my car in the village yesterday.
Yes it was intentional.
Maybe because people have forgotten some things we may all benefit from remembering.
Nobody talks in the village either. Yet everybody knows what's going on. Pretending is safer, I guess.
I'm busy looking for a new home for the next while because I've fought this particular fight for some years now. And I know how it ends in South Africa.
And because I can't pretend anymore.
Not after all of this...
I can't afford to fix the car and it was going to be used to blog and travel with you a bit more.
But I know you will forgive the scars and dents.
Are you wondering what I did to "deserve" all of this? Ah... well that's another story. 💜
Oh... some good news! (and there's always some good)
The sample for those t-shirts I was threatening to make all those months ago finally arrived.
Yeah... I don't like the print much either. It has been redone.
But you get the idea.
Maybe I'll find the time to get the store launched after I finish the additional admin that landed on my plate at full blast sunshine 1pm in the middle of the village yesterday...
but nobody saw anything.
Incredible, huh?
No. You can't live that this, people.
Not really.
On we go 👣
As we are
Hardened Dreamer
Mother
Peaceful Warrior
Determined Dancer
and Stargazer
still...
Beyond fear is freedom
And there is nothing to be afraid of.
To Life, with Love... and always for Truth!
Nicky Dee
Sorry to hear about your car and the troubles you're experiencing.
I came close to a whole tribe of Baboons once in Zambia near Victoria falls. The make was very impressive, I took in the sight of them and left as I felt like I was intriguing. Can't imagine having some come hang out on my roof though.
Yeah to animals over humans, they just know how to work together or just not if the case.
Also congrats on speaking your truth xxxxxx
Sister... I love people but, honestly, I just want to withdraw with a bundle of animals and read and make cool stuff now.
Animals are just more honest and simpler. And cute. ❤️
Thanks! It only took 52 years! But hey... progress! 😀
That must've been some moment. At the falls. Yep. They're pretty incredible to watch for me as well. I think of Jane Goodall a lot these days and understand her drive far better. Brave woman! 💥
Love the Nirvana title as well xxx
Is it?
I never got into Nirvana much.
Which song, please? :)
Oh - Come as you are? Of course! Subliminal Freudian things. Must check those lyrics now and see what I was saying to myself!
And thanks for being my mirror! See? you can't do the deep stuff alone. Mostly ❤️
I see I have missed some of your posts. I feel so sad about it, though I understand I haven't been very online.
I like that you spoke. That's brilliant, and because of that, you got this...
We all have our troubles. I have mine, and some are eating me up. I have spoken out some and well... that's life.
And, Humans...
That's what we do best. We see it as a cover. An umbrella. A facade. It is sad.
Animals are lovely. I like wolves mainly because I have read their stories. You know the romance kinda one. Hehe, so I understand this..
I find it cute. I do hope you find someone too. Though it is sad how our society is now. People are more into their devices to actual communications.
I am sorry about your car... And I like your hair when it is long. It befits you.
:) Hello beautiful.
I like wolves too. Did you know they are one of the few animals who are totally monogamous. For life. Pretty cool!
I'm sorry I missed you too. I'll be catching up this weekend. Last night of my son with me and I felt I had to write this one before I drifted into silence again. It's definitely time to move on from here.
Yes it is sad. For both women and men. So much acrimony and mistrust. And hate even now.
Lots of healing to do to rekindle our connection.
yeah... the car is a pity. It was in perfect condition with all of the original fittings. Quite a lucky find.
And thank you. I don't wear my hair down much. Buns and pyjamas all the way. And barefoot. Of course.
I'll see you tomorrow to read more about your world :) Looking forward to that now.
Rest well until we chat again. ❤️
Hello 😁
Yes, I have read a series of novels about their monogamy lifestyle, and that makes them more adorable to me.
That's good. I am glad you had a time with your son. My regards to him.
Yeah...acrimony is just around. It is very sad to see this. I hope humans can learn.
Yes, healing needs to take place for connection to thrive.
Haha, I like the scenario that painted in my head. Especially the barefoot.
Thank you. And be safe.
Xoxo.
He's my heart. Can't imagine life without him ❤️
My daughter as well but things are more complicated.
Yes :) Barefoot is best! Really for your headspace. All the better if you find a puddle or a stream to wade in. Or the ocean.
Hard to be safe in South Africa right now and I'm tired of it tbh. It's pretty awful. But will keep looking for the peaceful place...
You be safe too, angel ❤️
I could guess the connection from reading your posts.
Things are sometimes like that, I hope the complicated part gets fixed ❣️.
Now, the mention of the ocean just got me sighing... I term it my peaceful arena.
I hope you get that place soon. You deserve it. We all do.
I will, momma 😊.
Sadly. Which makes it all the more amazing when I see someone do that for no reason you know. Someone be nice just to be. Or help because what you're doing seems heavy or hard or unpleasant. Little things, but we still do them. <3
I'm sorry about your car. Why anyone would do that (Not as in the actual hinted-at reason, but why anyone would expect it to solve anything) is beyond me.
Sure, but that says stuff about them, not you. I always worry about that, 'cause I'll get into these topics that I like (often about psychology and social dynamics) and that interest me, and then I think well what if someone thinks I'm saying this because of that? And then I think, well, what? I don't really have time to worry about repeating myself. It's a luxury to spare the time I do spare on my own realizations and my own journey. Luckily, some people do hear it right the first time.
If you need any help at all. I'm not very programmy, but I catch on quick when I want to, and would love to help in any way.
Also, want a shirt when the design drops.
Also,
Oh fuck I love you so :D
Happy bit before much needed rest!
Lots to say here. As usual. I mean to reply, of course!
Yes to people (and all of us) understanding what we (think we) know more than what we see and hear. It can be awesome or terrifying.
Thanks a ton for the offer of assistance. All the webby stuff is done and I just need to get the new designs up and sort the payment gateway out - always the worst part for me. Such a hassle testing and blah fucking blah. On it and almost there... and thank you ❤️
Only if you actually like one!
Say if you have feedback 'cause I can be a bit leftfield and miss.
I love your Alpacas. I looked at them three times and may be back tomorrow.
Love ❤️😀
Hi Nicky,
I relate to the connection you feel and make with animals. I went through a stage where observing how animals relate to each other with care and love was the most uplifting thing. Which made me become distant from humans in general.
Yes, people are uncomfortable with talking about unpleasant things and owning their truth.
Sorry about your car. It's a nice car, though. Some worthless shit did that to feel better about themself.
Regarding the shirt, you can always play with the design and maybe what doesn't click with you now could change later.
I'm happy that you had a brief chat with the alpaca owner.
It's nice to see you stop by, and continue to take care of yourself, as always ❤️
Hey you,
You know... it's quite a strange place to be because I've lived so much in my head. Intellectualising everything.
And now I'm moving more towards us reconnecting with our instincts a bit more. I'm wondering if denying them is the issue at hand... making a note because this is about to become a post!
Thanks for you and your "you-ness".
Hey, I also have a question, please?
On political correctness and race stuff. May I ask a friend? :)
I think that would be brilliant Nicky. I would like to learn Animal Flow one day, but for right now I feel the benefits of the 5 Animal Qi Gong:)
Oooooh.... more to learn!
I wish I had more time!!! So much I'd like to do.
I'll wait for your post! 😀
Bottling how we feel only eats us up, one step to recovery is talking it out, there's this feeling of letting off the weight in your heart, you become lighter and at peace when you let it out.
It's good you found a way to let it off your chest.
I can relate to this as I've experienced how genuine animals are than humans, which is my I spend a lot of time with my dog, they understand you and won't judge you for anything and more to that, they are real and won't pretend one bit.
Dang I mn
Miss my dog!
Quite desperate to find something more settled so I can get a dog again now.
I just made the decision to dig in here and the something happened to move me on. As it does :)
But the impetus to find a permanent spot to Be (with a few dogs and cats and more animals) is officially on!
Makes travel harder though. But they're worth it.
Cool car!! I'm glad you were able to make it real with your friend Jason.
I used to have a Molly who looked almost exactly like that. I had to leave her behind when my parents divorced and my mom moved us away. She could open childproofed cabinets and packages of food. She used her hands to scoop milk out of the bottom of a tall glass.
I envy you your rooftop baboons.
Jason's name changed for privacy and yes. He's a good one and sharp as a tack.
He liked it in full.
So cute. Cats as well. All of 'em. I want a hoard of furry creatures and ton of books. And an oven and a fireplace. And a lake and tons of trees.
Good to go 👍
I envy your Portland
My whole Pacific Northwest is, admittedly, da shit. I don't think I would leave even if someone else offered me a free house somewhere else.
I need that!
I also saw a snippet of some of the Candadian mountains and woods recently, and yeah
I see you're close, so I can imagine
How is the travel as a single woman, btw
Do you get hassled a lot up there?
I haven't had any problems yet in my travels. In Canada the only weapon you can have is bear spray, but that shit has a better trajectory than pepper spray so I'm ok with that. Anywhere I go I have a fear of rogue mountain men, but so far I haven't met any. At first I really pushed myself to venture out deep into the wilderness, but then I realized it was ok to backtrack and stay at campgrounds until I started feeling more comfortable with my big environment.
I would really prefer to have a second human with me in the BIG WILD, but it's all about finding the right match.
Pick me 👍
:D
Although I'm prolly not the best defence physically. Bit smaller than most big men who could protect you.
It fucking sucks having to walk through this particular fear on a daily basis. Outrageous, really.
But it probably sucks for the good men out there who also think it's outrageous. Wish they would step up and kick some ass now already.
Hey...we could always train a bear
It's not so much about the man-being and protection factor as it is about the safety in numbers thing. Come on up and let's take a hike!!
Up way north they have sled dogs that also accompany hikers in the light part of the year. Maybe in the meantime I can get one of those and Pilot can ride on their back when he gets tired. If I earn enough money on hive I can write the dog off as an expense.