There's no way to ease you into the topic of this post. I am going to talk about the death of a baby- my daughter. On November 19th, 2011 I gave birth to my first child.
Her name was Adele.
I talked about her briefly in this post, where I discussed how medical neglect of mothers is a huge problem in the US. In my heart, I believe that had my voice been heard, my sweet one would still be here with me. Unfortunately, birth is a business. I experienced some of the worst of people during this pregnancy, and left with a burning passion for birth advocacy.
I woke up on this day 11 years ago and knew I was in labor. I had just turned twenty, and I was alone. It's crazy how alone I really was, because I was in a hospital already. You see, Adele was sick.
Her and I did something crazy, there is a scientific journal written just about us. I grew her with almost no amniotic fluid. My womb was primarily dry, I found out when I was 13 weeks pregnant. "You will lose the baby within a few weeks." the doctor stated, like I had ordered a pizza and it would be there in 30 minutes. He was so cold, that I never forgot his name or face.
Well, I didn't miscarry. I had to go in for weekly ultrasounds, and I would watch the technician absolutely lose it each week. "Hello Ms.Fakename, are you excited to see this baby?!" They would inevitably start off. I would try to just be friendly; they didn't know that my heart was broken. Then I'd watch their face drop when they saw what they were scanning for- was there still a heartbeat inside my dry womb? Would they have to be the one to tell me there wasn't?
Weeks turned into months, and soon I was six months pregnant. That is when they hospitalized me, following my decision not to have a late term abortion. There's a lot of misunderstanding about that here- this isn't a procedure that anyone can give you legally at that gestational age UNLESS they think your life is in danger. Even before Roe was overturned, it just wasn't a common thing.
They didn't call it an abortion, they said they would induce me. It meant the same thing, and I really had to sit with my choice. Did I want to keep carrying the baby that every doctor talked about as if she were already dead? Could I handle continuing this horrific pregnancy, which caused me great physical pain, just to say goodbye at the end anyhow? I am grateful that the choice was mine to make, that I was not forced to experience everything that came next.
They said I was in great danger, and that Adele would never be born alive. It was impossible.
I was in a hospital when I died, I had been in there for a few months. I woke up and knew, I just knew in some way that I could not put words to. I tried to though, frantically.
I was ignored. There weren't steady contractions on the monitor, the amount of blood wasn't concerning. They brushed me off for several hours, while I hemorrhaged under their watch. I know closed mouths don't get fed, so I harassed them mercilessly. Eventually I was humored with a scan.
I was in the operating room almost immediately, where I left this world for about six minutes. The nurses weren't seeing a lot of blood before because it was all pooling inside me. I was told I needed to be hospitalized for my safety, and then they watched me die- ironic huh?
Maybe Adele was always going to die like they told me, maybe it was medical neglect. She wasn't supposed to be born living, but she was. She was supposed to have hypoplastic lungs- a condition that basically means they weren't developed, because of the lack of fluid. She shouldn't have cried.
For one day, the greatest warrior I have ever met fought for her life in the NICU. The ignored hemorrhage had caused a lot of damage, my heart still feels this is why she is not here, on her eleventh birthday. Her brain was bleeding from the trauma, causing seizers.
How do I type out what it was like to watch a baby who wasn't even two pounds get resuscitated over and over again? To be unable to hold her, while she spent her short life in a plastic NICU box? To try and make the correct decisions right after major surgery. How.... I can't.
I'm incapable of seeing my computer screen through the sobs that have shook my body most of the day, because although I cannot type what it was like, I will forever see it in vivid clarity. It is a strange gift I suppose, because it would be much worse not to remember it all. I want to remember each small moment I had with her, no matter how awful.
I didn't have a cell phone, or any way to capture her image. Some kind nurses banded together a long time ago and started a program to address this in the NICU. Grieving parents don't think to take a photo oftentimes I guess, I can understand why. In that moment there is nothing but your child. There is no future beyond right there and then. It doesn't feel like there ever could be.
All the images here were captured and crafted for me, so I didn't have to think about it. Writing down the exact minute she was born, excitedly watching as they set her on the scale after birth and recording it... These are things that normal parents do, in normal situations. I didn't think about any of them for a second, how could I? Thank goodness someone thought of it for me.
I logged 2,000 hours on oblivion. I stopped eating, I stopped sleeping. I wandered around aimlessly late at night sometimes, hoping someone would attack me. I told all my friends that I hated them, and they needed to leave me alone (thankfully they knew I didn't mean it). I went absolutely off the deep end, and then I tried to kill myself.
I was convinced there had been a mistake, I shouldn't have been brought back. I guess it's called survivors guilt, and it is a pretty human way to feel. I felt like every smile that escaped past my grief was a betrayal of my daughter. How could I grin when she never would? I hated myself for living.
One day I got angry, really terrifyingly angry. I was ready to fight a bear, I was fearless. This was the beginning of another dark period, but a brief one. I can look back now and say this is the time I began to heal- in whatever way we are capable of healing from such things.
I started to react to the rage I felt, and in the process, I accidently started living again. It was a slow process, but eventually an idea was sparked in me. If Adele could see me right now, would she feel honored by the way I was acting? Probably not. I needed to live twice as hard, for her.
And I did, or at least tried really hard to. I lived in a car and traveled the country, I lived in a tipi, I lived wherever I found myself. I LIVED. I began to love myself as if I was setting an example for her, imagining I was teaching her, while I learned myself. I was brave, for the first time in my life I looked for trouble, to FACE IT. I imagined that my little warrior could see me honoring her in this.
And one day, I settled down. I felt ready to carry life once more, and set my intention to the universe. I would have a child who was strong, healthy, happy. I WOULD. I said it in the mirror every day, until I began to believe me. It wasn't going to happen again, I reaffirmed this in my head, as my belly grew.
It was time, I woke up one morning with my waters broken- waters I had KEPT for nine months! Breathlessly I rushed to the hospital, and it was really all a blur from there. Right up until the moment I heard it, Alethea's first cry. Shaking the foundations of my universe. They placed my pink and screaming daughter on my chest, where she immediately set to looking for milk.
She's known what she wants and has gone after it from day one. She is four now and is a big sister. In her, I find everything I prayed for, and more.
Today I told her about Adele, I felt she was ready to know. We hugged each other for a long time, and then she very sternly asked me for some paper. "I want to write a letter for my sister." she said.
Thea doesn't know how to write much yet, but it doesn't matter. Her work may look like scribbles to the untrained eye, but my daughter wrote an amazingly moving piece today. She is my favorite author, and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't celebrate getting to keep her.
This brought tears to my fragile heart.
Your indeed a strong warrior and a fighter.
I won't say much, I'm becoming emotional.
Glad your getting strong each passing day.
Sending light and love from here❤️
I'm very grateful that you stopped to leave a comment after reading. All the love is making me emotional today, but in a happy way. It feels so good to be seen. Thank you ❤️
Your welcome 😊
It breaks my heart ❤ whenever I think of the kind of permanent damage that medical negligence has caused in our hospitals. As a mother, I can't begin to imagine how hard that time must have been for you.
Dear @grindan Adele will be so proud of you for not only surviving all that but coming out stronger and better. And now, you are raising such a sweet soul for her as a sister.
You are such a great inspiration to someone like me navigating her motherhood life and to so many women out there. !LUV
You are brave, strong,💪 and a great warrior. And thanks to Ibbtammy for sharing this post, I wouldn't have been so lucky to read it.
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Thank you so so so much for taking the time to come read Adele's story after seeing Ibbtammy's post! 🤗 It means the world to me to have people remember her with me; you've made my heart warm. 💗 I am so grateful for the love in this comment, motherhood can have so many wild up and downs, but at least we as women can share them all together! 💕
!LUV !LADY
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You are welcome, 🥰🙏🥂cheers to all the awesome mothers out there, doing their best no matter what.
Wow, what a heartbreaking, tender, sweet, experience you shared. I love that your daughter immediately wanted to write a letter to her sister. Thanks for sharing.
It means a lot to me that you came over to read my post about Adele, huge hugs to you! The best way to heal for me is to remember, so you have given me a great gift with your visit 🤗
Sending you love 💚
I'm lost for words but I will try to say something anyway. Your post was shared by @ibbtammy who considers you a strong lady, and I can immediately see why. Wow, this is so much more than any person should have to go through and you were there all alone to go through it, what a nightmare and that's a huge understatement.
How proud will your daughter look down from heaving and know her mother fought for her until the very end! And how proud must she be having a sister who is writing a letter for her already because she now knows she's not an only child.
My dear, I have my own struggles as a mother being separated from my two oldest and this post, even though these two are alive, but separated from me due to a psycho father who won every battle I could fight, I had my own years of grieving. Grieving over children who aren't dead but as long as their father is in control, I cannot let them know where I am, because I'm too traumatized by what happened (this is the shortest version of the story). So in a way, I know how it is to lose a child and I know a mother's heart will never be healed completely because there's always a part missing.
I wish you lots of love and new bits of pieces from other people to fill your heart up with joy and you have my biggest respect. I can smell a strong woman when I read a story like this, you can do anything!
Much love from another mother who cried her eyeballs out reading this, you touched my heart and your daughter was beautiful just the way she was <3
Thank you so much for taking the time to come read Adele's story, and for sharing this vulnerable part of yourself as well with me!
I cannot imagine how terrible it must be to face such a separation... I can only hope someday that it becomes safe for both you and them to make contact again... As for your ex, may karma hold him tight!! 😤
It means a lot to hear that I am strong from a woman who is obviously very tough herself 💕... For me, these ways we see each other and hold each other through life's harder parts is so incredibly medicinal, huge hugs and lots of love your way as well!! 💗
You're welcome, I wish I read it sooner to get to know you a bit better before, but in Hive there is so much to keep up with that I seem to miss some of the important stories, sadly. I'm happy to know you a bit better now. Adele is a beautiful name btw, I forgot to say that last time.
Yes, I still believe Karma will one day, I have to be patient and I know I will feel it when it's time. I've come a long way, the final part is probably easier than the first part of separation.
Thank you, that means a lot.. And I mean it from the bottom of my heart, if you can get through this incredibly painful traumatic experience at such a young age and overcome this, still be here, you are able to face anything now. And if we are facing hard times, depressions, pain, trauma's that knock on our doors, this only means we are ready to grow a bit stronger again.
Wishing you all the luck and love in the world !LUV
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I know friends who have had miscarriages and they have to act like it is normal. And when they speak of kids they speak of the ones they have, but it is clear that in their mind they are adding a couple more. They just don't speak about it. Society can be cruel at times, and the less said about how doctors treat women the better. As a man I was not even aware of this situation till a friend of mine started working on collecting women's experiences in India and abroad. This one was the one that really shocked me on how much disregard happens in hospitals to pregnant women - https://womaning.substack.com/p/today-i-cross-a-line.
There is nothing I can say to reduce your sorrow but for what it is worth I am sorry and I wish you did not have to go through that experience. That fact that you shared your experience shows how brave and pure you are, and it will surely help people understand better, and maybe keep their minds a little more focussed and not just accept whatever Doc's or society tell us. Once again thanks to you for writing this down, and thanks to @ibbtammy for sharing it. Love to the lil angel up in the heaven and blessings to all her siblings. God bless you all.
It is terrible how we turn away from these things in society. Thank you for the compassion in your comment, and for taking a moment to talk about what you have seen other women face. Women need the support of men so much when it comes to childbearing- not just from our husbands and male family members, but also from friends and acquaintances! Bless you for standing with us 💚
Both uplifting and joyful, and terribly painful. Life teaches me this over and over and over again. It must have been so harrowing for you, especially being so young - I mean, hard at any time, but when you're younger you don't have the resources or tools to manage so well. How special that your youngest daughter came shining so into the world, just at the right time, when you were ready to be a strong mother for your littlest departed one. This must have been SO painful to write. I'm sure you will light a candle for her on her birthday every year, and think of the magic she brought to your world, in unexpected ways. Thankyou for sharing - don't you love the way we both made each other cry a little on the otehr side of the world today? :P
I do love that we traded tears, the ones you gifted me soothed the ones I had earlier in the day! Funny how sometimes the nicest thing is a damn good cry. It's important for the soul I think...
Thank you for leaving me this comment full of love, I really appreciate it 🤗
💚💚💚💚💚
I am so sorry about Adele. I am proud of you for going through it all, finding a way to heal and be strong for her. And finally for affirming that you can birth an healthy child and you did it with Alethea. Thankfully, you told her about her sister and she's such a lovely soul to think of writing her a letter. May the Almighty keep comforting you and your family. Be strong for Adele.
Oh Iska, this is such a beautiful comment! Thank you 🤗 I can't even express how hugged I feel by those words 💕 !LUV
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Sitting here weeping and have no idea what to say to this...
But that you are incredible. Really.
And I am fucking outraged at the medical "profession" again. Their arrogance. Despicable.
I have so much to share on your process. On the grief. The loneliness. The trauma. And on how you found healing.
But I won't.
I won't detract from the gritty reality and truth of your journey by intellectualizing it. Not this. Even though I want to so that I can feel less of your pain and sorrow...
You are a fucking warrior and an incredible human and writer. 💥
With the utmost respect!
You are a diamond and a dragon both.
Thank you for the beauty of this comment, how you held space for me in it... So much love to you 💕🤗 I am very grateful for your friendship 😊😘
You've been in my thoughts and were again a few minutes ago.
I hope you're okay.
Utter bastards. I think citizens need a fund to hold "authority" figures accountable in civil court quite frankly.
The systems in place to do this only protect their own. And most of us can't afford thousands to do this either
This is why they remain untouchable. Deplorable.
I'm sorry your past got triggered. It is a very painful one.
I hope writing some of it and sharing it helps you heal a bit more. Although god knows something like this is not possible to recover from. It changes a person. And never fully ends. We do, however, learn to live with things like this. Hopefully even with some kind of acceptance one day.
Be patient with yourself and the journey. 🌸
I'd hold space for you anytime and if I had funds I'd take that hospital to court and make sure every person that never responded was retired for good!
Out. Of. Business.
People claim damages. What, I wonder, is a life and a lifetime of grief worth? There is no amount that could possibly make this "right".
😥😡
HUGE HUGS!
🤗💕🌞
@grindan,
I was raised by women... I have said this many, many times. But it's worth mentioning here, as I hope you understand my conveyance of emotions...
You've just gained another level of respect, and awesomesauce, in my book. This post is many things: touching, heartbreaking, and real. But the most important thing is...
It was shared with us, by a dear soul. We are extremely fortunate to have you here.
Love and light ✨
@tipu curate
!LUV
Thank you for crossposting to Hive Memorialforest Wes !LUV
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@beeber,
You are most welcome! It was only right. It was a safe haven made to hold, and honor. Those prescious things we've lost too soon...
!LUV
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Oh Wes, thank you my friend 💕 You've made me tear up a bit, but in a good way 🤗
I'm so grateful to everyone for letting me take some space to share this here, it was an important block for me to contribute... my little memorial for my little lady ❤️
Thank you for the love, it really means more than I can express!!
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When I was reading this post, I imagined you seeing this post and smiling (sad+happiness) and tears (mixed feelings) and you will say my respect for women increased. (I don't how to compose my feelings into words.)
You are still the same 😽😽😽💕🤩
That I am... just trying to help spread positive energy and love on the blockchain...
!LUV
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Never change! :)
I am also doing my part, after all, we all are community! !PGM !LUV !PIZZA
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I'm so sorry to read about Adele and the ordeal you had to go through. I cannot imagine what those months were like for you knowing you're unlikely to see the baby you're carrying to grow up.
Hugs to you and Thea ❤️
Thank you so much for your compassion, and the hugs 🤗 it really means a lot that you stopped to leave me a comment ❤️
oh my god this story is one of strength, love, and beauty. I am so proud of you, not only for surviving the worst, but for your extraordinarily loving nature.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read Adele's story!! I cannot express how much it means to me each time someone does. It's a vast comfort to me to have others remember her too for a moment ❤️🤗
I really appreciate your beautiful words, and your consideration 😊
Oh dearest sweet Grindan, this is sad and I feel the pain of motherhood, but you are strong and Adele will be happy she had a mom like you.
Thank you sis ❤️ Your comment means a lot to me... I never really thought about if Adele was happy to have me as a mom, feels like I didn't have enough time to be there... but also I was there her whole life... perspective, huh? That is a VERY soothing thought, so much love to you!
She is and she didn't just leave you to hurt you but to watch over you and act as your guardian angel toward the new ones you have as you are an awesome soul.. I love you, Sis, thanks for being strong..☺☺
I don’t know what to say. I can’t think of a reasonable response at all. All I can say is OMG, OMG and understand why you’re so damn strong and brave and wonderful and lovely and why you’re such a good damn author. I’m soooooooo glad that you beat the odds and I’m so glad that you have a lovely little girl to care for, she’s so lucky.
Thank you so much for all the love in this comment my friend ❤️ You have a way of making me feel as if I've been hugged each time I read your words, I am so grateful to receive that 💕
Gosh, who would think I'd be reading the comments here after the anniversary of the worst day of my life, and be crying again... But this time because I feel loved. Life is amazing, Hive is amazing, YOU are amazing!! ❤️❤️❤️
I love you muchness. You are amazing 🤗💕❤️💕🤗💕💕❤️
What an incredible story. I am amazed at all you and Adele went through, and how dicey the entire pregnancy became. It is only because of your personal strength and your love for her that she made it as far as she did. I firmly believe she knew that she was loved by you. And, OMG, little Thea wanting to write a letter to her sister... 😢 That tells me that you are raising her properly, with compassion and understanding. I'm glad that you returned after those six minutes and eventually fought to embrace a state of 'living' rather than just 'being' so we could come to know and love you. ❤️
That's one of the most comforting things I've ever heard! A lot of people here have made me consider GOOD things she must have felt... All I've really thought about is the pain she had, but ALL lives have good parts, right? What a wonderful and healing thing to consider!
It's a page of scribbles, but I will NEVER throw it away! It went in Adele's memory box 💕 She astonished me with her consideration, then she told me my tears smell bad (what?) kids are magic 🤣
This made me cry like crazy (in a good way!) I can't even find words to express how loved you've made me feel, with that statement, and in general 🤗😘 You are an amazing friend and human being, and I am so so so happy I got to be here to know you too! ❤️😊💐
Thank you for being YOU 💕
Always hard to find the right words for me, so sorry for you both have been going through. But want to say, its wonderful that your daughter now knows about her sister Adele and wrote her a letter.
!LUV
Thank you for this comment ❤️ I really appreciate you coming by to remember Adele with me 🤗
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Harrowing. What a mountain to climb to make it to where you are today. This post is a fantastic way to honor your memory of Adele and introduce her to others as well, beautiful. Keep on keeping on 💓
Thank you, my friend 🤗 I'm grateful to you for reading her story AND commenting! I know I've already said a few times, but every time someone types or says her name, it really soothes me. !LUV
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I couldn't hold that drop of tear while reading this, I have a lot of names to call you for still standing strong after everything you went through.
You are not just a warrior but an inspiration as well to people across the world who are struggling to get over something that tore them apart at a point in life.
I am sorry for what happened, Adele is an angel now and I am sure she is watching over you from above. Your story is really touching and I pray that the Almighty God stands with all mothers across the globe, you guys are special.
A big love from me to you and the rest of the family. I dropped in from Hive learner, courtesy of @dlmmqb
I really appreciate you coming to read Adele's story, and share some love 🤗
Seeing so many people type her name, and acknowledge that she mattered... I can't express what that means to me! My husband saw me sobbing today and said "Oh no!" but I was just happy to receive so much support and love here. Knowing other people thought of her all over the world is incredible 💕
Thank you so much!
The platform is above love and support, I am glad we made you happy and you have done more by sharing an inspirational content with us.
I have a similar story.
!LUV
You are such an incredibly strong human being! Every detail I learn about you... well it begins to make sense why you are so kind and community centered. You know what it like to be hollow, huh? I can't speak for you, but that's what I'd call losing a child... I was hollow inside. That kind of experience makes loving others mean more to me, and I have a feeling you're like that to ❤️
Thank you for your solidarity, so many hugs to you!! !LUV
My prayers are with Adele and you today.
!PIZZA
It means a lot that you stopped to leave a comment, thank you very much !LUV 🤗
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You made us cry but it was a different type of feelings. Thank you for sharing this with us. We all are with you and you are such an amazing lady. Out of words
Thank you very much for this comment, I saw what you said to Wes above, and that made me smile too! I feel so loved today, that I too feel short on words!!
It means so much to be able to share this here, and know that across the world, some people know her story now. I'm full of gratitude that you took the time to reply, reading the comments here feels like being wrapped up in a group hug 💕🤗
I wanted to atleast a $ to you for writing this from my personal account so I just upvoted all your comments to 100% :)
If you used any tribe tokens, I would give you ! 1UP from cartel
But I still recommended this post to 3 curators/projects, but it was a request to them so they make final decisions. ;)
That's amazingly nice of you! I don't even know what to say!! Thank you so much for all of the support and love 💕 This is the first year I've felt like she was really remembered in the world. I'll never forget that!
I talked about her on live show for more than 20+ mins. I made everyone emotional and redirected them here. The best way to view the shows recording will be get in touch with me on discord: DLMMQB#6953 and when the recording will be available, I can share with you directly. Other option is I will set an alarm and on next monday night, I will drop it in your profile comments under this post with timestamps.
That was heartbreaking to read. Lots of love to you and your little one 💙💙💙
Thank you for the love, it really means a lot that you left me a comment ❤️
I’m so happy to hear. Words could not explain how I felt reading your post, but I wanted to at least leave a little something 💙
I gifted $PIZZA slices here:
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May the Soul of Adele Continue to Rest in Peace Amen 🙏
You are a strong woman my dear 💕 keep being safe 💞
Thank you so much 🤗 I am very grateful for your comment ❤️
You are highly welcome 💕
Yay! 🤗
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Oh @grindan. I just read this. My heart breaks for you! The trauma you have been through! I hope it continues to help you heal to write about her, and now to tell your four-year-old about her so that she too can honor Adele's life. Hugs to you. Thank you for sharing your story!
Thank you Jayna 🤗 It means a lot that you stopped to leave a comment, and remember Adele with me 💕