Finalising life

It's been just over two months since I lost my dad and, I'll be honest with you, sometimes I really miss him and sometimes I feel relieved that he's gone; Not in a happy way, just that he was suffering and it was painful to watch. As the only one of my family here it fell to me to deal with the scenario and it took its toll upon me, and of course, my wife Faith too.

After the funeral I made the conscious decision to think only fondly of him, to attempt to block out the terrible pain he was in, the dementia he suffered and the complicated and usually upsetting decisions I had to make on his behalf. It's worked quite well for me and as time goes these things tend to get easier.

Faith and I are now dealing with her mum's scenario right now, a secondary cancer, and it's been of great relief not to have her situation and my dad's running concurrently; This was the case with her primary cancer issue which almost took her life and it was incredibly difficult.

I'm thankful I can simply remember my dad in his good times rather than be enmeshed up to my eyeballs with issues that don't permit for much reflection.

Of course, one can't simply move on right away after the loss of a loved one...Some can I guess, but I had to sort some things out to round-out the process. I left it for a few weeks but then got down to it.

My dad was buried with my mum; We had a double-depth plot dug for her when she passed away so we could accommodate my father there also. So, the marble headstone with the inscriptions is in place. I arranged to have it removed and his details added. It's a rather large thing in the shape of a big book with mum on one side and up until now, blank on the other.

That's in process at the moment and I've been waiting for some paperwork so I can proceed to close bank accounts, insurances and other bits and pieces to finalise my dad's life. It's pretty depressing.

The death certificate is what I've been waiting on and that arrived last week; I can't show you the whole thing as it has too much personal information on it. Essentially though, it has details about where dad was born, age at death, marital status, wife's details, his parents details, cause of death (Dementia, ischaemic peripheral vascular disease and prostate cancer), burial date and location and details of his children, our names and so on. It's a legal document and is registered meaning it will stay on register with the government forever.

I have had copies witnessed and verified by a Justice of the Peace and now am ready to begin the process of wrapping his life up. This is one of the parts I hate the most as it's impersonal and such a final process; I've been dreading it.

I did this for my mum also, again as the only family member here, and it was a terrible experience; We learned from it though and had a lot of things sorted out for dad years ago knowing it would make the inevitable process easier...Never easy though.

I miss my dad. In truth, I've missed him for several years because dementia took away his memory. At the end he didn't know who I was most often and he didn't much seem like my dad to me...But he was, and will always be.

I've found myself remembering specific things about him: Enjoyable moments, quotes, his antics to make us laugh, his hard-working nature and the generosity, kindness and humility that defined his life. I don't feel sadness when I think of him now; Rather, I remember the lessons he taught me and the examples he showed. Sure, he was far from perfect, but that doesn't matter now...It's not his imperfections I embrace, learn from them yes, for sure.

No, it's the shining example he made of what life could be, and how a person could live...It's that which I embrace.

Sure, I have a few things to arrange now, things that will finalise the life of a man I called dad, and that I don't enjoy. He lives on through his children and grand children though, and we all carry a bit of him within as we live our own lives. We remember him well, and as a good dad.

I'm sorry this post is all a bit miserable...But it helps me to process things when I write and it's hive right? If I can't do this here, where could I?

I will leave you with this...I wrote dad's eulogy and this is a small part which ended it:

He painted his life with vibrant colours, amazing creativity and with passion. It is something he would wish for each of us and, whilst he is not physically here to guide us, he lives within us all.

Each day is a blank canvas to be painted the way we wish it to be; If dad was here with us now he would say that, and support us in our endeavours to do so. He would tell us that life is full of twists and turns, but must be celebrated and lived to its full extent.


Design and create your ideal life, don't live it by default - Tomorrow isn't promised.

Be well
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No sorry for writing this kind of content. I know it helps you to express what you've felt inside. From every word you said about your dad, I could tell he was an amazing man. Although it feels really sad that when he still lives he suffered from memory loss. Imagine how painful it would be seeing the person you love had no idea how amazing he was before. I know it's kind of down you're feeling these days but I know it will go up. Just keep on holding on and believe that everything will be alright. And for the mother of faith, prayers and love.

Thanks man, I really appreciate your words and kindness. It's always difficult but writing about it certainly be helps process everything and makes me feel better.

Your kind sentiments are much appreciated and most welcomed.

yeah, that's what I'm doing most of the time. Sometimes I don't want to say it so I wrote it instead. I'm thankful that the hive is not like Facebook where toxic people everywhere.

Welcome and I'm glad.

It feels like a safe place to be a little more real and true to ones personality here on hive for sure. 🙂

hahaha of course, we are in the right place. Sometimes talking and sharing our thoughts here will help us to feel relieve. We might not know each other in person, my sympathy is yours.

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Losing your loved ones will never be easy, especially the parents who've always been there for you no matter what. It's a big change in everyone's life and the more you see them in pain, the more you think maybe it would be just easier for them to have everything come to an end and go find their peace and keep taking care of you without feeling any pain.

Unfortunately, my grandma has dementia too, and all her siblings, and I'm scared it might be something that goes from mom to kids and so on and that I'll get to see my mother in pain too somewhere in the future. This is the biggest nightmare and fear I could get so I'm just trying to enjoy as much as I can each moment left because future is never something safe or clear.. something that I wish more people would realize before that thing happens and it's too late for a hug...

I agree with you Gabriela, it's very important to be the best version of ourselves and to live our best lives...We never know when it may be taken away.

Living each moment to its fullest, being humble, kind and generous and telling those we value that we appreciate them is the way to go.

Thanks for your comment. 🙂

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when you look back now there are beautiful dreams about your father. As you said, he is no longer in pain. and it's comforting to think about it. death is a part of Life. And when it comes to the end, it is necessary to solve this issue in the best way. just like you do. I think your father is at peace. and I wish you strength in this process

Thanks for your nice words. Yes, he's at peace and we can move on and remember the life he lived, not the fact be passed on. It will happen to all of us so we're common in that way; What makes a difference is how we live our lives when we're here.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Today with all these bodily machinery failures that happen to everyone at the end of list, his cause of death would be recorded as Corona.

I'm happy for you that your father's death certificate is truthful, unlike so many issued to people dying from end of life natural causes today.

Hey mate, thanks. He lived a very full life and was content. He passed away in his sleep, drug induced, and was at peace.

There's plenty of pandemic shenanigans around I guess right? I even saw that things are ramping up in your neck of the woods, but who knows if the media aren't lying like always.

Be a somewhat emotional time now with his recent passing and rapping up the accounts etc I would think. Hope you are doing okay with it all mate.

We're going ok...Being active helps...I just don't like this whole closing accounts thing. A shit process.

I can imagine it being horrible, glad you both are going ok.

You been ok mate? Still house hunting?

I feel you mate. I miss my dad and my mum terribly. It's the year's anniversary on Friday of my mum who passed ten weeks after my dad last year and it is hitting me quite hard.

It's good to remember them and I'm glad you can put your miserable thoughts down here. It helps to share. I say that aware of the irony that I can't actually do it. Lol

Hmm, that's going to be a tough time...I guess all we can do is remember the good times, appreciate the moments we had with them and the lessons we learned. Small consolation compared to having them around but it's something.

I don't write everything I feel here, but the process of writing sort of gets it out from within...I'd rather that than internalise it all...That's a slippery slope.

My thoughts are with you guys. If I was there we'd be hoisting a bevy or two.

Yeah, that's the thing you have to do is focus on the happy memories and not the godawful ones from the end. It's hard but then that's life.

A bevvy or two would be a fitting thing!

...And I'm telling you mate, the G-dog would administer bro-hugs...Prior to, and post, bevvys.

#worldsbesthugger

😁

Bro-hugs are seriously underrated!!

Yep, we should have *bro-hug day on hive!

It can be like those flash mob things!!

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My Dad's passing was actually quite easy on me from the legal standpoint. He and mother had done their legal homework and it was a simple thing, really. Death certificate here was issued in about 3 days and there were several entities that wanted an original copy at around $50 each. Almost all of them found out they could live with a copy of the original.

Mom's estate was a bit different, and it's still not finalized 4 years out. My brother and I thought we had every thing done but... There is a bit of farmground that was seamless because there is a family corporation involved, but Mom and Dad owned a house together and the position of the mortgage company is "One dead person can not tell another dead person what to do." Literally, that is what they told us. So we have a lawyer involved and we'll end up with nothing. Bahhhh.

That aside, their passing was relatively easy on me. My Dad was like yours, Dementia. He was long gone before he died and it was actually a blessing when he went. Mom was 85 and had about 84 pretty good years. She had a good run and we both knew it. I'm also really glad that I was involved and right there for both.

Glad you are making progress. In both areas.

Estates and death settlements can been terribly messy and really smooth...The key is to have all the legals done prior if possible.

Faith and I have up to date wills and enduring power of attorney over each other and a couple of other legal instruments that cover all eventualities. By this time next year we will have our funerals paid for and organised and that's it. I have given my executor a $10,000 sum from my estate for the hassle of doing the job and that's about it.

I won't be around though, I'll be haunting mofo's so good luck with it executor!

I hope you get your mum's scenario sorted out Tom.

Have a good day mate, I gotta go...Desserts up...Vanilla custard danish and ice cream.

Randy and I both had power of attorney with mom. That expired when she breathed her last. Bad error.

It'll sort out fine. Just shouldn't be this hard. Her wishes and intentions were absolutely plain, but....

Yeah, it's the same here...Power of Attorney...I made decisions for my dad, life decisions, with it. Medicines, treatments, banking and all. After death the executor takes over though. It's amazing how difficult it can be...I had a set of clients (25-28 years old siblings). Father passed away 10 years prior and the estate, including commercial property, went to the Public Trustee (government) who proceeded to rip them off for 10 years. Took us 18 months to wrest it away from the PT and get it all in line. Messy.

I hope you're works out soon. 🙂

Gosh, this made me think who will do that for my last parent when the time comes. I’m last of the line and at the other side of the world, with no real plans to return any time soon.

Although I must admit their increasing age is slowly but surely starting to change mindset about that.

Oh yeah, that's not going to be easy and at risk of giving you advice, I'd say you need to start looking into it. Wills, Power of Attorney, funeral plans and payment, executor etc.

Being an executor can be brutal. My little sister is mine, lives 1800km away in Sydney...Won't be easy on her so I left her $10,000 from my estate for her trouble.

It's a shit topic of discussion but one that needs to happen. The alternative is usually absolute turmoil for those left behind, on the person's passing.

Good luck with it...I don't know what country you and your parents are in, but you'll be able to a great deal by email.

First apologies for a self-centric reply to an absolutely personal post. But it was the thought your post triggered.

I think if they manage few more years, I may move in with them. There was recently an explicit opening made by my father but I don’t think the time is right already and I don’t have a positive mindset about it... yet. But it was definitely a rather tempting proposition as they’re both still (reasonably) fit and active. I could perfectly combine contributing to their life and life with my own work.

As for the rest, there’s no doubt that after all those years away I will want to do that myself when the day comes. Let’s call it a little payback for the years of “not knowing” I gave them when just leaving.

And lastly, while I always said I don’t want to inherit a thing... that house, many hours of my own sweat went in it. If that’s sold... our name (family line at least) ends there if I don’t return. Weird topics and thoughts which come up as one ages and parents age as well lol.

It's ok man, I didn't mind you taking the personal aspect from my post. These things often inspire reactions and to be honest I'm glad it did.

I went through this with my mum and so my second time was easier. Depending on how it goes with Faith's mum...There'll be a third...Never gets easy, but being prepared is smart. So I'm glad you looked inwardly based on my post.

We are also considering moving in with Faith's mum...A post a few days ago called deliberating debt free covers off on our initial thoughts.

It seems you have a plan, loose as it may be, and from someone who has been through it I can say that a plan is a good thing.

We can never get time back and so often I hear people hold regret over not spending it with those they value...It's got to be the right thing of course, and only you know when it is...The family home thing...I get it man. I get it.

Good luck Mayhem, you'll go fine. 🙂

Let’s call it a backup plan. :D

I guess there’s a slight guilty nag. Since contact rekindled two years ago and especially since that opening it’s now less subconscious. We’ve been separated for a quarter of a century now. Maybe it’s slowly time to go back home. After all I left only for the weekend.

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Lol, left for the weekend.

I was booted out by mum at 17 and a half...She tried to call my bluff...Never went back. It was the best thing as I learned to stand on my own.

I don't know your story, but I'd say the same...We can't get time back...Only you will know how you want to spend it. I'm sure you'll come to the right decisions for you...My life-ethos is relevant here...

Design and create your ideal life, don't live it by default.

🙂

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Nothing to be sorry about. If writing helps its good to do so.
I am sure as time goes by, only the good memories will remain. Keeping him in your mind is the best present he gave you.

Thanks mate, yeah I agree. Time is a good healer and there's many positive things to remember about dad.

Hmmm, Accept my condolence, it would have really been a terrible experience , especially your dad not recognising you on his sick bed till he kicked the bucket but I like your courage ; you still did all was required of you to do even when you felt rejected, as his son you stood by him to the very end not looking at his wrongs course no one is perfect, there is nothing like a perfect dad or mum they have done their part and now have gone to see their pilot face to face ( we can't get all right; we are human) only love conquers all .

I wish you success in all.
DEATH is certain; we will all die one day but at the right time of our life, nothing will cut us short of our life span here on earth.....

"Design and create your ideal life, don't live it by default - Tomorrow isn't promised".

Thanks for taking a look at my post and for commenting, I appreciate it.

You are welcome

My regret to losing my Dad with leukemia cancer was to sudden when it hit him and we knew he didn't have much longer to go at that time when he passed away i had wished i had spent more time with him it was sad because there was so much more i wanted to know about him but as you say it was to much pain for them to live on and we need to remember all the good times we did had with them.

Time is something we can never get back. I have heard so many people talk about their regret at not spending more time with people and I'm pleased to say I am not one of them; I am content with the time I spent with my dad and whilst I miss him, he always said that his time would come and that we must all move forward with life when it does.

I'm sure you have some great memories, as I do, and that you surround yourself with them when you need to feel close to your dad.

It is sad to say but it's like we have that feeling that they are never going to leave us my Dad was a hard worker i saw him a lot but never spent that father to son time with him well which i would have loved to just was not enough but it has taught me different now towards other family members and friends.

That's the way to go...Learn from it and do things differently. It's all we can ever hope to do when we realise we should have done things better. I'm sure you have great memories of tour dad though, just fill up on them. :)

Thanks mate we do learn by mistakes they say and i do have many fond memories of my Dad God bless him 🙏

Sorry to hear of your loss. Death and parting are part and parcel of life. Your dad will live on in your heart. I am sure he will want you to move on and enjoy your life.

Thank you, and yes you're right...

My dad was an amazing man who rose from the small lad who suffered through the brutal Japanese occupation of Malaya in World War Two, immigrated to Australia in the 1960's, met my mum and had five children. It is that which he always said was his greatest achievement; His family. But in truth he was a great man who achieved a great deal, touched many lives and left an indelible mark upon them.

He would certainly want for us to enjoy our lives, and deploy the life-lessons he imparted to us.

Thanks for your comment.

Your dad had been through a lot. Take comfort that he is now in a better place, no more strife.

Keep well.

When my grandmother went into a nursing home (her choice, despite my mum offering to take her in), she lost her independence and basically wanted to die. She told me this the day I went to visit her and tell her the news of my first pregnancy, with the hope that it would lift her spirits a bit and give her something live for. This was her goodbye to me and I never really got her back after that. Her mind slowly went and the only thing she ever really responded to was her great granddaughter after she arrived. I always felt that I'd reluctantly said my goodbyes to her that day, but the day she actually passed was still just as hard. We think we're healing, but the pain is still there ready to surface again, isn't it?

Darn, I'm crying for both of us now...

Thinking of you both as you move onto the next journey with Faith's mum. xx

A very poignant photo, by the way.

Nursing homes...Don't even get me started. I've seen some really good ones, and in fact where my dad was in where my mother in law used to work...Her and her colleagues cared...These days, well most don't speak english and have no clue.

I recall my mother in law telling a story where she came in on a (qualified carer/staff member) who was from another country...She was attempting to fit a resident's bra on as a pants! You know, putting her legs through the arm straps etc. There's worse stories.

I'm glad my dad isn't there anymore.

Faith's mum is having her PET scan right now, as I type this...Friday is the day we'll get the results. Let's see how it goes. And yes, I wanted to do something different with that photo but it showed too much detail on the death certificate and of my dad's picture in the background. I think it does the job as it is though.

Thanks for your kind words.

Ah 2020...You can fuck off now. (Sorry, I may typed a swear word in this comment.)

You're trying to get on Asher's list again, aren't you? 😜

The waiting and not knowing can be worse than knowing, sometimes. Fingers crossed for the most hopeful results. My MIL is on her third round of cancer. This time she's had chemo, the op, currently on chemo and looking at radiotherapy. Not fun, but at first there were thoughts that it would be untreatable, so could have be worse. I'm rooting for your MIL that it's even better news. This getting older lark sucks big time!

I'm always on that list, featured prominently. (Probably not a good thing.) 😜

Seems like your mother in law is a battler. It's a pretty bad thing to have to go through so let's hope they both come good and get back to normal life.

Take care my friend!

Thank you, I'll do so, and you too.

Governments have their records, now you have your record of your dads life, your feelings, and family thoughts recorded.

The taking care of things after, that is the hard part, dealing sometimes with the uncaring world of commerce and of law. We did not have to deal with a lot of it for my mother in-law's death but we had to deal with enough to know it is not something I would want to do, but would. We learn just how soulless some parts of the bureaucracy can be.

Yes, I agree with you completely.

I remember dealing with some things for my mum when she passed and one particular company was relentless in chasing her for a $55 purchase she'd made from them...They were brutal and ignored every single attempt from me at advising that she'd passed. I never paid it, on principle. The other was Telstra, a telco, Australia's premier telco. They kept sending phone bills for about 6 months despite me having terminated it with a copy of the death certificate. Idiots.

The worst thing were the banks though. She had a house I had to sell, situated over 3,000km from me so I had to fly in and out and then be in attendance at the auction. Terrible process, and I'm a licensed land agent!

Anyway, it's not something I'd suggest anyone stick their hand up for, being an executor...Terrible experience.

I think remembering (at least trying to) someone for the good instead of any bad is the way to go. I am not looking forward to handling things like this when my parents pass but it will come at some point.

You're right of course, nothing good will come from holding anything negative, not that there was with my dad per se, just the situation. You know, I'm glad I'm done with it, the handling things for my parents thing. We'll have to do it for Faiths mum of course, but I'm so happy to see the end of it with my own parents...Of course, that means they're gone, but I have the memories right?

There's nothing at all wrong with sharing this. It not only helps you to clear what's clouding your mind, but also helps us to remember our loved ones, and appreciate them while they're still around. I remembered having to stand by my mum as she signed granddad's death certificate not too long ago, and it still hurts. We pick ourselves up, and stay strong. Cheers, and best wishes ❤️

I agree and think other people's loss can be a good reminder that all of us will die eventually, literally everyone you know will die, and then you too. Sobering I suppose, but if it motivates a person to treat those around them better, and to live one's own life to the best degree, then it's all good.

Well said! Seeing how the world's gone tits up, I think there's quite a few people who need reminding how precious life is, and to the people around us.

Yeah, look inwardly, make sure you're all good in there, then project that outwardly to those that matter in your life...A good policy to have right now.

Ohhh I don't know what to write other than that this is Hive and it must feel so liberating to be able to write about stuff here. Receiving these papers definetely stirred you up.... I hope that with the passing of time, things will be easier. Thank you for sharing this emotion here, it shows that it is ok to be vulnerable and acknowledge it