Fenrir's Balls

in #life2 months ago

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Arrrgh, Fenrir's BALLS!

I yelled as I slowed the car to avoid the utterly incompetent buffoon that had just swerved into my lane.

Daddy... What are Fenrir's balls?

The Little Lady enquired from the back seat.

Yes, darling. Pray tell, what are these balls of Fenrir that you keep shouting about?

The Good Lady shot me a disapproving glance as though she had caught me putting some grated cheese in the shower head of the shoddy apartment we had just vacated on the final leg of our Scottish tour.

Well, lady-o-mine, you know I have been swearing a lot because of the holiday?

I grinned in the way of men when they fess up to doing something that they have been told is bad but they think is amazing, like peeing in the shower.
peeing in the shower is amazing despite what the Good Ladies of the world would say.

Um, yes that is correct. You have gone a little swear crazy since we came on holiday.

The Good Lady pursed her lips in disapproval.

And you remember yesterday when that lady nearly reversed into us in the car park?

I lowered my voice so the kids in the back of the car couldn't hear.

And I shouted out of the car window 'Oh for fuck sake you fucking useless fuck-bin' and you went berserk at me?

I grinned as the image played back beautifully in my head. The useless fuck-bin's husband had looked furious and rightly so, his wife's driving was appalling.

How could I forget?

The Good Lady huffed and looked upwards shaking her head.

Well, you were so cross and so angry about me swearing in front of the children that I decided to take matters into my own hands.

I took my hands off the wheel and wiggled my fingers as if double-uddering a milky pair of cows.

And you know when I drive I get really angry at other drivers so I had to come up with something that was a good alternative but also something that I could get my lips around to express that anger in a healthy way.

I gave the Good Lady a quick look to ensure she was with me and hadn't thrown herself out of the moving car in despair at my logic.

And this Fenrir's balls, this is your answer?

The Good Lady looked at me as if I was a stranger. Which in itself would probably be a frightening thing given that I was driving her and her children about in the lonely countryside to destinations unknown.

Yes! It is perfect. Fenrir's BALLS! It's magnificent. Now you need never worry about the kids hearing me say the F word in anger again!

I beeped the horn happily causing some cows in a field we were passing to look up in tired bemusement.

Daddy, you never answered?! What are Fenrir's balls?

The Little Lady irritably kicked the back of my seat in a way that demanded answers.

I opened my mouth to tell the little lady all about Fenrir and his gigantic wolf balls of Norse legend but a sharp elbow in the ribs from the Good Lady made me choose another path.

Oh darling, never you mind Daddy. It's just one of the many nonsense things he says. You know what he is like!

The Good Lady laughed and the Little Lady joined in, laughing at their silly Daddy and his silly ways.

I shook my head and smirked.

Wait till she hears me shout Odin's TITS.

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Might I present for you my favourite faux-swear.

image.png

Now grit your teeth and say it out loud....

"Mother Parker's Dark Roast"

Those four words got me through many years of protecting innocent ears.


Of course, there was at least one time where I believe a hammer came in contact with a thumb where it turned into.

Mother Parker's Dark Fucking Roast!

But 95% swear free is pretty good IMHO.

Ha good one!! We all need a replacement swear phrase.

Mother Parker.

and

Son of a Beech Tree

They feel right to my brain ... and don't send the kids running to mom. ;-)

Son of a Beech Tree

😂😂😂😂😂

Haha, that is a good one! It has enough hard edges to count as a swear to your head when uttering it. And of course, there is always the hammer option :OD

I still tear up a little when I think of the day ...

I was puttering in the back yard and did something that hurt. I muttered "Mother Parker". The youngest simply disappeared and retuned with an espresso (Nespresso machine, just drop in the pod and press go).

Tears of laughter and tears of pride welled up in my eyes that day.

Reminds me of God of War. all those gods were trying to kill me. I think at one stage I lost a life being hit by Fenrir's balls.

Haha, what a way to go! :0D

Congratulations @meesterboom! You received a personal badge!

Happy Hive Birthday! You are on the Hive blockchain for 6 years!

You can view your badges on your board and compare yourself to others in the Ranking

6 years!! Hot damn, I bet none of us saw that coming way back at the start!

Oh, you created your account a few hours before me. That makes you my eldest. 😀

Happy Hive Birthday @meesterboom
🎉🎈🎂🎉🎈

And a happy hive birthday to you too mate!! 6 of the best! 😀😀

May I ask you a favor?

You are supporting the HiveBuzz proposal and I'm grateful to you. On the other hand, you also support the HBD Stabilizer proposal, which currently prevents the Hivebuzz proposal from being funded.

Can you temporarily remove your vote from the HBD Stabilizer so as to lower the bar a bit? That won't affect the Stabilizer's effectiveness but it would be really helpful for the HiveBuzz team.

Yes of course, will do it tonight once I get to my laptop probably in the next hour or so :0)

Oh, thank you so much. I owe a beer! 🍻

I don't know if that's better or worse than spinning some s tory about how Fenrir is this god wolf and the balls were his favourite toys and having the kids cheerfully coming out with that around their friends because it's not swearing XD

Lol. The shine is coming off it slightly I must say. Pesky kids. Perhaps I will just have to stick headphones on them whenever I drive! :0)

as though she had caught me putting some grated cheese in the shower head of the shoddy apartment we had just vacated

Weird fetish. Unique, though.

Peeing in the shower is amazing. The only thing better is peeing in your wetsuit in the ocean. Not on land, though.

something that I could get my lips around

I guess Fenrir's balls aren't as big as they claim.

Fenrir's Balls are not as gargantuan as perhaps made out in legends!

I have peed in my wetsuit!! Apart from the tricky start it's fabulous!! Lol

It's easier for girls.

True, shorter bits and all that!

Sethdammit!

(Egyptian god of chaos...)

Seth dammit must be added to my new repertoire!! :0D

You've inspired me to start yelling it at shitty drivers. Can't wait to use it! Hopefully they get confused and crash...

If they crash then we can count it as a win for the old gods!!

Scratch another notch into the ole dashboard!

I'll need another dashboard at this rate!

Might have to go digital!

There a thought, 3D that would give a whole lot more space for it!

...grated cheese in the shower head? Is that some weird Scottish prank thing? 😆

I didn't have any fish! I was most narked by our last accommodation which seemed to think that hot water was some kind of decadent luxury!

Haha 😆
No hot water! That's practically camping. You may as well just have put up a tent outside.

Recently, I was very pissed off. When I said they told me that they were waiting for a plumber to fix something and that they had left me lots of dishwasher tablets. I was like, fuck off, what about washing my hands. Can't do them in the dishwasher!!

Yeah that would be a piss off for sure.

Ill pee in the shower every day Boom lol

A good tale as always, its all about Odins tits haha, but fenrirs balls is just slightly more tamed. You left grated cheese 🧀?

I did, I hope it goes foosty and comes back to haunt then. Bastard people not giving me hot water!

Fenrir? Fenrir ?

How do I not know him? What have I missed?

I need good faux-swear. Nothing too much. I don't want the kids to wash out my mouth with soap. Just enough for them to know I mean business.

That's the whole point, isn't it? It has to be enough to show the kids that you mean business and have a right good ring to it!

Dont worry about Fenrir, he will be waiting for you :OD

Now, that is just what I needed to hear. Fenrir is waiting for you! Worldhistory.org just scared the living Hell-o! out of me! The pictures are vicious! Your kids should be scared.

Fenrir is the great wolf in Norse Mythology who breaks free from his chains at Ragnarök, the twilight of the gods, kills Odin, and is then killed by Odin's son Vidarr. Fenrir is the son of the trickster god Loki and brother of the World Serpent Jormungandr and the jotunn Hel.

They knew how to do the whole gods thing eh. Killing Odin indeed. They were savage!

I will leave out the gnarly details for the kids though!! All they need to know is the big wolf bit!!

I will leave out the gnarly details for the kids though!!

You are getting all soft on the sides and middle. I like it! :)

It's old age, the mellowing effect!

I had to come up with something that was a good alternative but also something that I could get my lips around..

Mmhm

Not to change the subject or anything but I dig the headline on your profile page.

Glad you like it! Which reminds me, I really need to change it again, its been that for too long!

A shame your wife elbowed you in the ribs, this was your chance to teach your daughter some Norse mythology. I guess that will have to wait.

She won't have to wait for long. I use any chance I can to throw in some Norse nonsense into her head!!

Haha!
You wanna know what a "norse man" means in Dutch?

Go for it! I bet it's something hilarious!

Haha, not necessarily,

It merely means: grumpy man

So perhaps you are a "norse man" when you drive a car ;<)

Has, that's excellent! I think I can legitimately call myself a Norseman when driving now because that's exactly what I am!! :0D

Exactly haha! Coincidence doesn't exist ;<)

I always say, there are no coincidences!!!

Hello @meesterboom, they better think you're a fool not to traumatize anyone haaaaaaa, I better not laugh haaaaaaa I can't help it, all because of that son of a bitch who can't drive.
Hey, be careful about saying the last one, I guess the good lady hangs up on you haaaaaaa. A hug

I have had much fun saying it. I am now thinking I need to bea calmer driver!! :0D

YOU BAST-TURD! (Not you of course good sir, just trying out this creative cursery technique that you have implemented, it's truly quite fun😁)

One must have a way to alleviate one's blood pressure when driving with the unrepentant, incompetent degens of the world, you have so made my day with this missive of yours lol lol!

!PIZZA

Indeed, driving is a curse at the best of times and when you have to share the roads and car parks with people who seem to have little clue as to how to actually do it's fine curse word or two works a treat for alleviating the stress!!!

Oh I so agree! You know what works wonders for me? I have a gigantic, rusting, decaying wood and metal one ton diesel flatbed pickup that has no emissions anything and a huge iron cow chucker (brush guard on the front), as I am a bit on the smallish side, I can actually drive Rufus by looking under the steering wheel. Nothing terrifies clueless drones more than a hobbit with several hundred footpounds of torque! WEE!

Also, you get extra bonus points for simultaneously kerfluffling your spouse and mystifying your children with your vocabulistic wizardry, that's a vacation win right there! Hope you have all been having fun too😊

We have had a lot of fun and it is now at an end. The drive home was full except for Fenrir's Balls.. .

That sounds like a beast and a half of a ride. Those are the kind of veeeehicles I tend to steer clear of on roads just for the sheer mass of them!!

I'm so glad to hear you had a great time, well, other than Fenrir's Balls portion, but anyway lol!

I really don't drive Rufus that much (diesel is a bit of an ouch these days), but as I have a farm it's kinda a necessity to have something to haul and tow stuff with. And on occasion terrify inconsiderate heathens with too...

The dieselo costs are bearable for the terrorising aspect alone. Although really, fuel, what a fecking nightmare it is these days. The whole point of us having a gadding about Scotland holiday was to save cash and we spent hundreds on petrol. My car is a gas guzzler at the best of times too so it cost a fortune!

When you feel angry while driving, try to spray the person next to you with water.

Crikey, what kind of water? I don't know if I'm quick enough on the trigger with thedown below gun!

Hahaha, Im adding Phi Phong to your collection who is a nasty ghost who smells and lives in compost.
Dont mix that up with ping- pong, thats a whole different skillset.

I think I have an idea on the ping-pong skillset! Lol.

Phi Pong is added!! :0D

Clearly I haven't played enough Assassin's Creed Valhalla to know of Fenrir. I did have to look him up, a child of Loki.., the trickster.

And a big bloody wolf to boot!!!

I came believe you haven't played that, anything with Valhalla in the title is a winner in my book!

I am still playing it, I dropped it for a long time, but am back doing Northumbria. Those darned picts!

Hehe, Picts are troublesome!

I am in between games at the moment. That lull where you can't be bothered with and of the old uns but a new one hand caught your eye yet. Meh

There's nothing good coming out, not that suits me,

Same, it has to be First Person and open world tp get my juices going and everything for that is shite at the moment

Very similar though I prefer 3rd person.

I remember you saying. I dont hate it, just much prefer the immersion of first person. One of those discuss the merits of all days jobs that one is!!

Fenrir is pretty awesome. That Loki had some odd kids.

I too need to express my frustration at the incompetence of other drivers, but I have become more laid back in my old age. When I was driving into London every day it got a bit much for me and I'm so glad I don't do that any more.

!BEER

Loki was a strange one alright!

I need to recover my laid back zen. I don't know if people are just more mental in small towns and the country or perhaps it's all the bad drivers from the city but the last couple of weeks had been a proper stramash of driving fury!

Have you ever noticed that peeing in the shower is longer than usual? 😁

Lol! Yes, I had noticed that! It's like a choir of falling water! :0D

I took my hands off the wheel and wiggled my fingers as if double-uddering a milky pair of cows

How this picture came into my head so fast made me laugh

Phew, I'm glad it worked!! Hehe! :0D

At some point the Little Lady is going to spout off some 'Fenrir's Balls' at the school yard bullies and you will have some 'splainin' to do lol. It's the little things in life that bring pleasure hahaa.

Your know that's exactly the kind that the Good Lady hits me with! I went through a phase of saying Mother Pukkers when I was annoyed and she was like, the little lady is going to say that in school and they will know exactly what it means!! I really should reign it in!

Ya, but it's so tough when you're driving. Why do they issue licenses to stupid people?? I just don't understand lol

I think that half of them just have paid doppelgangers to sit their test for them. Their was a thing in the news lately about a woman in the UK that passed the test for hundreds of people. It would explain a lot!

hmm..I think she's been over here taking hundreds more as well lol

Lol, can you imagine how embarrassing it would be for her if she started failing!

Haha the ending was stellar.

I don't know why I keep admitting stuff like this on the Blockchain but it must be said that as a good lady of Hive, I also pee in the shower. It all goes down the same pipes in the end..wasn't it George Costanza in Seinfeld that said that when he got caught peeing in the gym showers?

As for replacement swear words, I think I just stuck to shivers, until after a while I gave up, and my son just had to deal with the fact his mother was a pirate.

Hahaha, shivers would actually make you sound like a pirate, let alone swearing swearing.

But yeah, peeing in the shower. Its not pooing soi don't see the problem. It's all just water of sorts!! :0D

About that poo...

... Just kidding...

Aaargh 🏴‍☠️🦜

Haha, don't go there!!

Urination is a shameful thing for many people, few consider it normal.

I consider it very normal. In fact, I struggle to go a day without doing it!

Hahaaa...same!! lol

Weird eh!! :0D

yea, you gotta laugh lol

I laugh whilst I shamefully pee! 😜

PIZZA!

PIZZA Holders sent $PIZZA tips in this post's comments:
@generikat(2/15) tipped @meesterboom (x1)

Learn more at https://hive.pizza.


Hey @meesterboom, here is a little bit of BEER from @steevc for you. Enjoy it!

Do you want to win SOME BEER together with your friends and draw the BEERKING.

I think Odinsanus rolls off the tongue better..

Gotta stay clear of the anus'ing all they do is talk of poo all day long as it is!

Lmao.. I didn't know

Haha! OMG! You have all the bases covered!

Now how is this "Fenrir's Balls" pronounced? Attempting to roll it off my tongue correctly here. Is it fenrire like fire, or fenrrr like a car purr? I need to confuse people where I live.

peeing in the shower is amazing despite what the Good Ladies of the world would say.

It's also healthy. On the show, we've discussed this very topic, LOL.

Wait till she hears me shout Odin's TITS.

I bet you could do a voice compilation of these. That'd be funny as fudgebars.

I have always pronounced Fenrir as Fen-reer but Icould be well wrong! In a Scottish accent it sounds bloody magic that way.

I didn't know it was healthy. Take that Good Lady!!

LOL! That's just so right, just so right. I can't do the Scottish accent though. Might sound good in a Newfoundland accent though...hmmmm....

I didn't know it was healthy. Take that Good Lady!!

Being informed is being armed for all argument about one's preferences. Solid science facts, can't argue with those. Maybe don't mention the health benefits of drinking some (no, I don't do that, never wanted to try it).

The Scottish accent is great, there are many but there is a general one. Not the one that appears on most TV shows right enough, haha.

There was an article on Hive recently about some dude drinking his own urine and whilst Ithought it was brave I also thought it was honking bad vile!

There are many Scottish accents, can't argue with them being great, love the sound. Glasgow ones are, as I think I mentioned before, like another language, lol.

There was an article on Hive recently about some dude drinking his own urine and whilst

I miss quite a bit I see. Did you show that one to the Good Lady? I know a couple of people who did, although only once. Perhaps in some situation where there is no other water source and it's a matter of not dying, lol. Totally vile, yes. I could share a much worse story, but I think I'll leave that unsaid.

Once you say something you cant leave it unsaid! There is no such thing as too vile in my book!

I would do anything to stay alive if it came to that!

Okay, wellll....
I realized after I said this, I know of more than one story and probably too many stories that are of a vile nature. Me being the innocent did not partake, only listened to said stories. Probably the most memorable was one involving coprophilia. I thought that had topped it, until cake-sitting, and then a whole plethora of things I'd never heard of but learned while working at one criminal law firm. Took it to a whole new level. Things like chili peppers used in a manner one would not want to ever do.

Hehe, I can totally imagine.

On the subject of chilli peppers. As I have said about being an ardent fan of them, I have on more than one occasion touched myself or others in the nethers after not quite scrubbing hard enough after a good chilli chopping session. The pain has been blinding!!

Women never appreciate the value of letting a little steam off now and again 😀

They are an odd lot these women! ;O)