Am I positive?
The Good Lady sniffed at me from the sofa, shifting from side to side like a corpse washed up in shallow water.
I looked at her COVID test and the two lines that were displayed on it and shook my head disgustedly.
Yep. You are positive. Congratulations, you manky filthy mare, you are officially hoaching with the plague.
I let the test drop with a little plastic clink to the tabletop and glowered at her.
Oh no. That means we can't go out for your birthday dinner, doesn't it?
She wrung her hands together as if anyone actually cared about me enjoying my half-century celebrations.
Aye. It means you are stuck in the house for 5 days until you test clean.
I sighed and looked intently at her.
Earlier in the week the Little Boom had tested positive for COVID. something he had celebrated with by shitting himself in his sleep as he lay half snuggled in my arms.
I had woken wondering why he seemed so sweaty and it wasn't until I got out of bed that I realised I hadn't really been on holiday and gotten a fine suntan but was instead covered in arse-water from my youngest child.
Salted caramel sauce will never quite hold the same appeal for me ever again.
Two days after that the Little Lady had tested positive.
She had exhibited her joy at being a filthy disease hound by moaning a lot and running to the toilet because her farts were wet.
I thought that COVID was a lung thing that made people feverish and cough a lot?
I had questioned my Doctor after waiting tenteen years in a phone queue to speak to him.
Well, that's the thing. This Omicron variant presents itself as more of a gastric issue, particularly in younger children!
My Doctor sounded particularly excited as if he had grown a pair of giant quacking breasts and someone was bringing them bread.
And the treatment is?
I knew there was no treatment but thought to ask. Perhaps he would recommend intravenous bleach or horse wormer? Then I remembered that I didn't live in fucking cuckoo land and that we used proper medicine here.
Just take it easy and perhaps don't let them stray too far from the toilet!
He chuckled, the chuckle of a man who has never woken up caked in another man's watery arse-gravy.
And now here we were. Two days after the Little Lady had fallen to the curse of the crows. The Good Lady was now smitten.
I weighed up my options.
Should I burn the house down with the family and all their COVIDS in it? Hmmm, tempting...
Or, should I charter a boat and sail the high seas until I eventually found a mysterious island where time had stood still and the Serpent King ruled with an iron fist until I and a random amusing monkey sidekick ended his vile reign and I was installed as King?
Or should I stay and as the last man standing forget about drunken birthday celebrations and crazy romantic dinners that could have been and just look after the bunch of ill bastards that my family had become?
The last man standing. It was like that movie, I Am Legend with Will Smith. Except I was paler than he was. Apart from arse-water night but the less said about that the better.
You are bound to get it next.. I don't see how you can escape it if we all have it now.
The Good Lady said with little consideration for men of iron such as myself.
I barked out a bitter laugh and gazed off to where the sun would set if such things were ever visible in cloudy Scotland.
It wont catch me lady-cakes.
I brushed past her and headed out of the room.
Epilogue.
Forty years later, King Boomy finally passed away. The people on the island that time had forgotten mourned his passing by decreeing that all their children would henceforth be named Boom.
The story of his great victory over the Serpent King was retold each year on the anniversary of the great battle which was now called Boomy's day. The natives re-enacted the battle right down to the broken whisky bottle he wielded and the shouts of 'C'mere ya prick!' that had echoed around the island as Boomy savaged the reptilian scum in the name of FREEDOM.
They say he passed happily. His many wives and children recounted his last words were simply -
I think I made the right choice.
The shit's fake. It was an inside job. Those kids aren't actually shitting themselves. You just heard that on the news because you're a sheeple and watch news. The elites probably came in your house and put the shit there while you were sleeping, like Santa.
I bet they did!! I bet they crept right in with their bags of sickly sweet smelling weird shit and daubed it over us. I world be surprised if it the chief exec of Pfizer himself. Dressed like a COVID ninja!!
No man they send it through the sound system when Neil Young sings those spells of his.
Neil Young, he's a witch!! I heard that it's the 5G radiation man. They are cooking our brains like brown sugar in a spoon only our skull is the spoon and covid is the flame!!
Of course it's 5G along with that voice to skull stuff only one motherfucker is brave enough to talk about.
He is a brave soul. When they write the history books
there is no way a fucking loonball like that will trouble themhe will be right up there as a saviour of humanity. Like Sarah Connor!!We're lucky to have so many Champions of the People around us here to save us with words and pictures, graphs, and, whatever else they do.
OMG, HDY
Next it'll be, Helen.
it's like they created a whole family tree of confused illnesses, each more confused than the last..
"Doctor I feel sick!"
"Looks like you have the beta variant of cockvid, which came from an initial-positive hella strain from Mordor, where nothing grows and life is barren...but a brave collective known as the Fellowship decided to traverse this land to rid it of it's Parasite...which may be cured with ivermectin through the nose; you ever done coke?"
"....."
humbled that you decided to support me with a follow!
How do you do?
Getting my ass kicked on Splinterlands lol
I am so sorry about the entire family is down, but, thank God you are the last man standing to be able to take care of them, in their time of need and obviously more toilet tissue... I hope you are well stocked and if not, go Amazon! Or whatever works over there.
Keep those people hydrated,
And patiently wait for your turn. Even God is a humanitarian. He wanted you to have a proper 50th birthday. :) Just remember:
Your age is merely the number of years the world has been enjoying you!
Enjoy that birthday of yours! Happy Birthday!!! Wait! Let me get candles!
Oh no, the cake is giving me flashback to the other night. The night of the chocolate water!! Although I did have a nice toffee sauce there that I made myself which it also reminds me of :O)
Amazon has been alerted and are on their way!!
Yay!! Paper for everyone!
Oh man my family all got it and I didn't. I was walking around like a peacock the whole week while the infected had the shits. Luckily I avoided the smelly gravy this time around. I must say I laughed out loud at the doctors advice. 🤣🤣🤣. Dont stray too far. 🤣🤣🤣. If you can't see a toilet then you have strayed too far child.
Haha, there is nothing quite like the feeling of dodging a plague when the whole family comes down with it!! For once the doctor was right which is highly unusual!
Im just here to say you're both beast men. Lets keep these immune systems strong. Hope both your fams are good. I enjoy the posts, keep em coming from both of ya.
Keep Boomin Boomslayer, and keep Blanchin Blanchy.
Hahaha @meesterboom I'm so sorry to read about your caramelized bedsheets and lack of birthday shenanigans as a result (you know you can postpone them until you are all in the clear), it sounds like you have your work cut out for you in the meantime.
Interestingly my child spawn and I have had similar stomach bugs twice in the last month...perhaps we had the dreaded lurgy too. It seems to happen everytime we come into contact with certain family members which I find curious.
Anyhoo I'm sending you strength as the last man standing. May your reign be long and supreme over said contaminants.
Cheers
Ranger Andy
Haha, caramelised bedsheets. Now why didn't I think of saying that!!
It's something to think about, we never thought for a minute that stomach upsets would be the order of the day for the new covid. I hope it's not the case for you and maybe steer clear of them family members who bring it on!! :0D
It's very weird that this bug is so versatile but I'm not even surprised anymore. I'm just hoping that we're over it now for good. I hope you guys are on the mend as well!
Oh gosh please tell me there isn't a "long covid" version of this - that would be extremely unpleasant.
I think that would be the worst long covid ever! Fortunately, I haven't heard that being the case!
It should be ok, just got to wait it out! :0)
I will now look at the latest Covid case statistics on the BBC proudly that I know someone...sort of...on that list. Which number do you think your wife has been allocated?
PS My wife want a to immediately come over your house and lick your bedsheets as she sees the insurance she took out last year against getting Covid which pays about 5 grand if she does as an investment and is pissed she is unable to catch it despite moving into a local market frequented by Burmese and living in a tent. She will be happy to split the winnings.
PPS Hope the family get well soon ...don't worry about your big half c, she'd have made you pay and you've got out of spending anything on Valentine's day you lucky dog!
Oh man!!! I forgot about valentine's!!! Hot flaming bananas, there is a silver lining. Although, me being immune means I will still be expected to go out and buy chocolate nonsense and whatnot. Maybe even flowers. Insanity.
Lol, that's actually the way I feel about catching it. I just don't seem able. Although without the added goad of insurance :0D
The idea of someone licking those watery things. Gaaar, I almost threw them in the bin!
In all seriousness, I think there are some that just don't seem able to catch it. We've had kids here the wife treats who had it, one even stayed with us and I took them to hospital and we didn't get it. My wife's friend who lives with us got it really badly and neither me and the wife nor her little boy got it.
As I said, Thais don't see insurance as protection, they see it as an investment. She has about 9 weeks left or her investment is lost ..it ain't going to be a happy house lol
Have a great weekend and keep practising the sympathy face !
You could be right. Out of everyone I know there is a group of us that just haven't seemed to be able to catch it yet. In saying that, the wife thought she was inducible and she pretty much is with everything else do it was a shock seeing her result. She isn't too bad though, just poorly enough not to be able to do muxh.
My sympathy face is on overdrive!!
"His many wives..." Your wife must have absolutely shat herself with laughter 🤣😉
T'was a great short story though!
/miko
She does like it when my imagination runs away with me :0D
Hahahah 😂
Your adventurous dreams at Five-0 sound like the ones I had at 0-Five, apart from the monkey sidekick part, I know I would have chosen a dog or cat or something.
I've got a cat, had to think out of the box! ;0D
"...something he had celebrated with by shitting himself in his sleep."
Sounds like my 21st birthday party
Lol. And mine!!! :0D
Well well well birthdayboy, it seems like the only decent thing to do is to bury a crapton (get it???) of alcohol and let them all hoover around the toilet while you hoover around the bottle.
Burn it away with the hard liquor!
That is my answer to everything and I can say that so far, it works! :OD
That's one shitty way of celebrating ones big Fitty...
Hope the family gets well soon!
The longer whisky ripes before drinking it the better it gets. Same accounts for the non pish beer. There is an upside in all of this shait.
Happy birthday to you, whether it is today, tomorrow, past or beyond.
Slàinte!
Cheers mate! It is now behind me and I am happier for it! I guess I will delay the celebrations somewhat till the coming weekend! Then again that is always my excuse ;OD
Welcome to the Grumpy men club! 😁
Delayed celebrations tend to be the best. 🙃🥳🍻🥃
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Damn. Sorry to hear that. Bad timing for you as well. You'll have to make up for the missed birthday celebrations when you're done isolating yourself. But on the bright side, it will be so much sweeter after being couped up for so long.
The shit water doesn't sounds very pleasant.
It is and was very bad timing. I am already planning for when we get to escape from it all. The gastric stuff has been
awfulinteresting to say the least!Yeah gastric illnesses are the worst. Dreadful usually. But the one nice thing is that they are usually super bad for a short period of time. It's like the same suffering but crammed into a single day. So would you prefer your pain and suffering to be dragged out for several days or one really bad day and night? Lol
I'm not referring to covid here though, I don't know how long it lasts.
The little guy only suffered for that night but the little lady's is lasting a little longer. Hopefully it is now finished. I always prefer the short sharp shock to get rid of something!
Yeah I'd take quick and painful as well. Why drag out the suffering lol
Well, we say that till it happens. Might be a different story then! 🤣
Prologues are usually at the beginning of the story, is your prologue misplaced or is it actually an epilogue?
Sounds like an amazing way to wake up x_x I definitely don't miss those days XD
Hope it passes through everyone quickly and relatively painlessly (pun only partially intended, I kind of realised what I was writing as I was writing it and then decided to blunder on ahead anyway x_x) and that you're asymptomatic and that omicron nicely acts like a live attenuated vaccine :O
Lol! Oh no, that is hilarious! I totally got mixed up! Of course it should be an epilogue! I should have bluffed and stated it was the beginning of some grand tale but no, it was a totally booboo!
I will blame the onset of Covid as I woke up feeling absolutely lousy today and boom, tested fecking positive. Bloody omicron!
Oof well hope you're resting up, take a sickie :)
The sickie is a coming!!!
You do know, the solution to all these afore mentioned issues could be this, and if that colour is not of appeal, there are many more designs available. Additionally, being the designer I am, I'd suggest a custom design of sequins in your appropriate clan tartan. Flash in a dash. (perhaps that's presumptuous on my part, if so, I cite the show I was on in addition to some fine IPA's).
Am I presumptuous in my notion, no not sewing, that you reside across the ocean, in Scotland?
I do! I reside in Bonny Scotland, on the banks of the Clyude in the filthy depraved city of Glasgow!
I think an outfit like that would work a treat, sequins perhaps not so much in Glasgow, lol!
Bonny Scotland and of all places, Glasgow. Does that mean you don't speak intelligible English, like the guy I dated from there, who I begged and pleaded with to please, please speak English so I could understand what he was saying. This was a long time ago, but I don't expect that thick accent there has at all lightened up.
Better to be the setter
Never the follower
When prancing a stance
In a fashionable dance
Fake zipper pockets
Begone punch sock it!
Thats right, although I manage a fairkly intelligible version of the accent but if I get excited I can lapse into that ridiculous fast garbled nonsense that no one understands, LOL!
See, fake zipper pockets
They will always rule
The boy wears them proud
he be to cool for school!
LOLOL! I knew it! Always thought the accent sounded musical to my ears, if only I could understand what was being said.
Durned fake zipper pockets
Dancing out of their sockets
Boys jangling metal teeth tracks
In multiple shiny stacks
Beyond all those rules
Yup, you're too cool
To be boxed in school
Not there seen Meesterboom!
I believe that vultures and aother scabby animals find it musical!
Alas I shall cease in this heinous war of poetry before one of us cracks out a rime of the ancient mariner style epic! :OD
Okay, I'm biased, I grew up with Scottish as well as Irish, LOL!
On that note, I'll share a old favourite tune, Nova Scotia folk. A bunch of us would sing this strolling across campus in the wee hours, more than just a bit drunk.
Glad you're all good.
My wife tested positive awhile back too. I never got it. We tested ourselves each day until it went away. Otherwise we never would've known she was sick.
If it hadn't been for the many incidents of misplaced toileting I might never have really known that the kids were sick. The Good Lady on the other hand has been mooning about all over the place. I am sure she is hamming it up so she doesn't have to dress as a maid later.
"Should I burn the house down with the family and all their COVIDS in it? Hmmm, tempting...:"
Even good people have this as first thought. LOL !!
In all this covid time, I had only known one or two people that actually had the original covid, which was very bad for them, but they did live. Until now ! Since Christmas, both my sisters and their husbands and one of their sons has had it. One of my nephew's and his wife have had it and..... it is everywhere you turn around here now. Fortunately for all of these so far, the omicron has been mostly mild for most of them and hasn't drawn out for too long except for one who has other health issues, but is still fighting it pretty well.
I am staying home even more and having my groceries brought to me and wondering just how long before I get it too ! LOL... I suppose it is inevitable that it will happen one day.
The original one really does sound like something to have feared but so far this one for them has been relatively mild. I am quite sure that I wont get it. Misplaced Mannity, perhaps? lol.
Stay indoors till it has all washed away and everyone bar yourself has gotten it and then you don't have to worry!
Somebody has to be the one the doesn't get it despite the odds ! Might as well be you? (and me too!)
I will be a hermit till there is a cure. ha ha.... ok.... I know, that is ridiculous !
A time or two I wondered "am I coming down with this dreaded thing?" but nothing developed, so now I wonder if I am one of those super people that get it and get over it without even knowing. LOL... well... it could happen !
It absolutely could have happened. I used to say to the Good Lady that I got it way back at the start when I had a horrible flu and terrible cough but the family somehow never got sick. Since then I haven't been ill!
Fingers crossed that is the case for us! Hermitdom sucks!
Hermitdom DOES suck.... and it makes you fat too !! LOL !
Oh yes, never before has weight been such an issue in my life!
Love the thumbnail!! I like the idea of having an island, haha!
Hehe, cheers man. I thought it would be a nice change to be a Viking! :OD
hahaha awesome!!
Ack, too much information.. and there's no escaping this dreaded disease.., you can't go to work and El Jefe will need to do without you.
Just a week ago, I'm sure my dog had C19, dogs get it as well you know.
Cats too. I am sure I read the other day that someones cat had gotten it and I was thinking fuck sticking one of those swabs up a cats nose!
Today, I joined the club. Bloody plague, I don't mind it so much but it is the isolation that is the killer, especially as they are canning it at the end of the month
Let us know what happens, I haven't had C19 yet. I'm sure the dog got it, I thought he was going to die as I have never seen him that ill. @dismayedworld stuck some water in front of his snout and he downed a load. He's an awkward sod and wouldn't drink for me. I think that saved him.
I will indeed, so far I have just had a sore throat and been as tired as feck. I hope that's as bad as it gets!
You are triple vaxxed right? It shouldn't be so bad, get some beers in!
Yeah, triple dunted!! Fortunately for my birthday I had many beera already in. Should be ok :0D
Gosh I'm so sorry that your entire family has it...especially the 'self tanning' incident...I always wonder if our childless ways were the right choice, things like this make me think maybe they were LOL.
They do say they are working on a new 'overall jab' that is supposed to do it all, so who knows, maybe you won't need to sail off to your island that 'time forgot'? Good luck
As a post script I'd just like to say: I vote yes on the monkey sidekick, even if you stay in the land of the Scots , because hey they can fetch you juice and extra loo roll?
Get better soon you lot!
We are a miserable and wet bunch but I am pretty sure the youngest is already clear and now it is a waiting game for the rest to get clear.
It is at times like those that I question my decision to go full on parenthood, lol!!
When I got it in Sep, I had to isolate myself for 10 days. Amazing, my wife didn't get it but now her office so many infected people and I fear like a minister here said sooner or later you will get it. I think it's going to spread like crazy although with vaccinated people, most cases are mild fortunately. Thing is like some said in a Telegram channel said, "I can't smell my own fart"
My sense of smell is non existent at the best of times, that would be a small price to pay. It used to be 10 days here and they keep decreasing it. Apparently at the end of the month they are not going to have any isolation rules at all and we will all be doomed!
We are sort of decreasing it too. Now, in cases of self test, they don't go into the system and if you self test after 3 days and are OK, so call clear to go out. I don't think we are removing more restriction because of many unknown infection all around causing a load on the hospitals who also had staff infected. I guess our mask on policy is here to stay for a while.
3 days? Wow, that is short. I thought we were a bit crazy going down to 5. I suppose it really is becoming a milder thing to live with. At least for the vaccinated. Masks, will probably last for a good while longer
I read a Bloomberg report saying this crap will go for 7 years which means we still have 5 if they are right
That would really suck. It feels like it has already stolen a lot of time from us all!
Yes, we all have the same feeling
Wahahaha, now you are spoiling me!! :0D
Lol! I saw covid test and came to read it
!PIZZA
Never trust a covid test, they will break your heart as soon as look at you!
Hi @meesterboom ,I loved the story, but think, its many children, if you feel like this with only two covid patients, can you imagine the many children with the virus haaaaaaaaaa, and their diarrhea haaaaaaaaa, better stay in reality, and I hope that somehow enjoy your 50th birthday.
A hug and being serious, I hope your family recovers from this hateful virus
The little boom has recovered fully. That leaves three out of four of us still suffering. I am sure we will get out of it in a few days!
Hahah isn’t it glorious to be a parent and get arse water on you? Ah what fond memories there. Turns from wet farts to arse water pretty quickly sometimes, sometimes in the same breath!
I was telling a friend on here a few weeks ago, it’s the best to keep some activated charcoal on hand for these situations! That stuff is the fucking balls! It absorbs everything as it goes through your intestines which is both good and bad. It absorbs the bacteria/viruses that cause the shits like that so you have some peace while you take care of the little squirters. I had my wife and son with the stomach bug and I took that shit for three days and didn’t catch it! I felt like the scorpion king for sure! You can pick the stuff up at most pharmacies or you can order it online but that stuff is amazing. You just have to be careful to take it as needed with lots of water to keep it moving.
Sometimes people forget to tell you the best bits about Parenthood before it actually happens. Hehe.
You know, I used to be a big fan of activated charcoal and then having not used it for ages completely forgot about it! I am gonna snaffle me some online right now!!
I had the feeling you were going to make the Serpent King choice, and it was wise. I trust you drank that whiskey before breaking the bottle. Makes me think of that guy that survived the sinking of the Titanic because he was so very drunk. Whiskey could be the superpower elixir of King Boom.
I hope you are well and that you have a wonderful birthday. Most of all, I hope that none of your children give you arse-water for a birthday present.
Of course the whisky would have had to be drunk before the smashing and the fighting. There is a school of thought that says without the drinking there would be no superpowered fighting but who would believe such twoddle. Not I!
It was a fab time but the COVID got me and now I am miserable. Boohoo!
Oh no. I hope by the time you read this you are on the upswing. I'm sure you will find a way to make something positive from the situation by coming up with an amusing story:)
I would love to come up with an amusing story but I fear my senses have been somewhat dulled!!!
I'm also in a plague house, but have yet to test positive myself. I think it has a whiff of inevitability about it though. Not sure we're had quite the toilet trumpeting you have experienced, but maybe there are variants of variants. I didn't really need to go out anyway and can skip the weekly visit to the office, but we were planning a little trip soon.
Hope your lot recover soon.
!BEER
We had planned a trip too. It is probably inebriat inevitable it will come to you say to say. I was the last to succumb in this house to the point where I thought I was invincible! Sadly now, since yesterday I have been claimed although it's not really that bad. Just feel very tired with a sore throat!
I've got the throat and a bit of sniffles. I've heard omicron is not too serious, especially if well jabbed.
Everyone I know that has been jabbed has had it mild but the one person I know who has no jabs had quite the bad case, anecdotal I know but it fits with what they say!
Pffft how can they be getting it... Did they not get the memo. The movers and shakers here declared the pandemic over about 2 weeks ago! They said, "We are so over and done with covid". Yet methinks, "Yes but is the covid done with you all!"
Keep it stiff Boom.
Thats the worst thing isnt it? They are claiming it is over and we have won and the cases are going through the roof here!
If I recall, you can get beer delivered to your house in sunny Scotland.
Picture it ... Boom reclined in his comfiest chair, swilling beer. He lifts a cheek and let's out a ... (oops) shart. But instead of getting up and running to the loo, he just cracks another beer and blames omicron for the smell.
In these days ... that is the new normal.
You can indeed get it delivered but I have a reasonable stash for the mo. Although, now I think on it. that is a good excuse to use for just about anything. If you can get away with a shart by blaming Omicron then surely you can get away with anything?
I will await my imminent getting betterness so I can have the strength to try!
Here's hoping that you recover quickly.
Started feeling rough on Sunday. Recon I must be over the middle hump now. I bloody hope so!
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amazing👏
You should see me wearing a trilby hat, even more amazing!
At a point I got really confused.
You talked about infected covid patients like they're shirty or something and how you're the Legend?
Along the line, I was like "wait, what am I reading?"
That is absolutely right, they are vile filthy creatures! They are also my family, lol :O)
Hmmmm!... Are they being treated now?
I hope they'll get better.
They are all doing fine. Just a bit tired
Alright, they'll be fine.
It's all temporary
Yes indeed! Thankfully :O)
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