The Many Cheeks Of Cod

in #life8 days ago


My god man, have you seen the fridge of old meat?

I returned to the table bristling with excitement.

Myself and the Good Lady were out for dinner with her childhood friend Clappers and her husband Vagina George.

We were only two bottles of wine in and the night was looking to be a good one. I had nipped to the loo and that is when I passed the Old Meat Fridge which had got my dander up in anticipation of the food to come.

They dry age all their meat. Absolutely amazing stuff. I have been here before with a client.

Vagina George nodded sagely in the ways of the meat men.

A client eh? I hope you charged extra for him to hump you bareback?

I chuckled and had a slurp of my wine, tensing only moderately so the Good Lady's sharp elbow aimed at my side had no effect.

Haha, very good. No, it was one of the big contracts. Wanted to impress them, got the lead guy here bought him dinner and a couple of bottles and bang. Reeled him in. Big bonus for that one.

Vagina George smacked his lips together and raised a glass to cheer himself.

His wife Clappers snorted some wine out her nose and gave a choking laugh.

God, can you imagine if you were lying about your job all this time and were actually a high-class prostitute?

We all laughed, even Vagina George who seemed to be taking the male hooker gags well.

I do quite fancy getting one of their aged steaks. They are meant to be amazing.

I showed the Good Lady a photo I had snapped of the fridge and giggled as her eyes bulged with vegetarian horror.


I tell you, the steaks are incredible but hey, have you tried the cod cheek dish?

Vagina George's eyes rolled back in his head as if he were being tupped vigorously by one of his special male clients.

Cod cheek? A cod cheek, or cheeks? I haven't been before so no, I haven't.

I ruminated out loud. What the fuck was a cod cheek? Like the cheek of a cod? Well, this could be problematic. How big was a fucking cod? Was it like a shark and its cheek like a giant dinner plate? What if they were the size of a salmon and the cheeks were just tiny little shite things?

In fact... how big was a fucking Salmon??

Damn. Whether it was the wine so far or the computational buggery of fish that was going on in my head, I felt a little dizzy.

Did someone mention the cod cheek dish?

The Waiter, like a man wearing a Fez in a fancy dress shop, had appeared, as if from nowhere and now stood at our table, a tiny notebook in hand.

Vagina George waved excitedly at me.

It's him. He hasn't tried the cod cheek dish. Can you believe it?

He shuddered as if the semen of wealthy strangers was spattering down on him in a hot and scampi-like rain.

You haven't tried the Cod Cheek? Oh my my, you are truly missing out on something incredible.

The waiter touched his fingers to his pursed lips before kissing them and flicking his fingers away in a gesture I have only ever seen in rubbish TV dramas and shitty movies.

Um... I dunno. I had my sights set on that old meat in the fridge. Was one of them aged for eighty days?

My mouth watered at the idea of an ancient steak, lightly grazed by fire and knife falling down my gullet on a raft of fries.

Ah yes, we do have the eighty-day steak but the Cod Cheek? My goodness. You have never experienced anything like it.

Now it was the Waiter's turn to twitch ecstatically as if being beaten by boabies wrapped in dollar bills.

Sounds fabulous, you should get it Boomy!

Go on, go for it!

Clappers, the Good Lady and Vagina George enthusiastically cried out, someone banged something nearby that sounded like a drum.

The noise died down and the waiter cocked an expectant eyebrow at me.

The Cod Cheek?

He said conspiratorially.

Erm, eh, ah. Um, ah. Oh fuck it. Go on then.

I gave in, I had been desperate to get the eighty-day aged steak but fuck if it was as good as they say I couldn't fail.

I'll have the eighty-day steak.

Chimed Vagina George.

Make that two!

Cried his missus, Clappers.

I frowned slightly as the Good Lady haggled with the waiter over the meaning of Vegetarian whilst ordering various awful-sounding green things.

I had wanted the steak. I felt my bottom lip jut out petulantly and the need to change my order bubble up from within.

Listen, steak is steak. You can make steak in the house. Cod cheeks? Nah. You need that made for you.

Vagina George must have seen my indecision and sought to reassure me.

All right then.

I resigned myself to my choice. This place was the bomb after all so it was bound to be good.

Some time and some crazy Scottish whisky chilli cocktails later the food arrived.

Wow, this steak is incredible!

Enthused the Clapper duo.

I love this Aubergine and chickpea stew, it almost tastes like food!

Chirped the Good Lady.

Everyone looked at me as I looked at my Cod Cheeks. They were tiny. I think there were four of them with other things in a sort of sauce.

I smiled and had a forkful.

The Cod Cheeks are awesome.

I lied.

Because they were shit.


I started reading under the glorious title: "The Many Cheeks Of God" - I sometimes do that - being a foreigner does that to you. When reading A Game of Thrown it was the same thing. The characters often refers to the milk of the poppy - some sort of pain killer - and I had a hard time getting used to imagining what white liquid that would come out of the infant offspring of a dog.

Same thing with the dish made from Gods many cheeks.

Haha! You got my exact almost meaning! I was trying to come up with a cheek reference for the title and it reminded me of turning the other cheek and I was thinking how can I make this some kind of godly reference and the many faces of God popped into mind. Boom, I was done!

I am chuckling at milk of the puppy. It throws a whole different light on to those books!! :0D

Yes, I know what you mean. Nothing to get started as a word play that is just within reach, but not finished.

Someday a literary historian will read that whole work (maybe at the time called that unfinished work) from the angle of poppy milk.

I am quite sure that literary historians will be truly baffled by the 21st century!

They would be in sore need of the poppy!

It's the absolute worst when the waiter steers you wrong! During my waitressing days, I was way more savvy when it came to reading what people would actually like:0)

That's the way to do it! Thank you for the tip you didn't have to say so but thank you!

The food regret happens me all the time and the wife goes mad if I get the steak every time because it costs 40 quid so I took along a little girlie purse called the steak wallet the last holiday and paid for my own fillets in protest from my little purse. 7 x fillets came to around €250. Money well spent. I did the same as you one day and got the "White Bait." Basically a load of little sardines on a plate that you wouldn't hand to a seal. Never again. Sometimes I go mad and get the bearnaise sauce but the working class background makes me feel guilty. Stick to the pepper sauce you toff!!

Hahaha, oh aye. That is the way to do it alright. I have had the whitebait as well. You are like why the fuck am I eating fried bits of skin?

I don't think I have tried a bearnaise sauce for the fear of it being too posh for me!

There's not many sauces that can hold up to the pepper sauce but the Bearnaise is like the homosexual twin that's home every now and then waiting for the parents to die so he can come out of the closet.

We all know one of those twins!

I will have to give it a bash. The sauce that is... 🤣🤣

80 days? That is darn near royalty! I love fish but, there is no way I would turn down the steak for God's cheeky salmon.

The many cheeks of cod. :)

Brilliant. :)

I have been away and I finally got back last night and just catching up!

I loved that title. I was thrashing away trying to think of something cod'y and then it came!

Hope you had a nice time away!

No. Say it's not so.

Cod cheeks at a steak house....

I took a look at the menu for my local steakhouse... Harmons

No cod cheeks. I'll have to let them know what they are missing, the next time I'm there for STEAK.

Does the good lady not eat fish? Why didn't she have the cod and you have a nice chunk of beef?

I am so confused.

Damn man! That steak house looks amazing! I want that bone marrow appetizer!!

You tell them though, they are nothing without them cheeks!!!

She does eat fish but flip flops between veggyism and fishyism. That one was a veggor night which was a dashed shame I think!

One day she will eat the steak with me!

A Classic Victim of Peer pressure, man! What an utter disappointment. WTH are cod cheeks anyway? At least I know what steak is, despite it being ancient. Man, I would have told vagina George I would have a bite of his if he ordered. the fact they had not ordered themselves was a sure sign. I say Vagina George owes you a steak!

have some !PIZZA to soothe your soul!

Exactly, what are they, little discs of Cod, hardly worth shouting about! Bastards. They really did peer me to defeat.

I will make sure to take my pound of steak out of his ass!! Ahem, ewww, or perhaps not :OD

!LOL imagine that! Next time put a wager on it. If his suggestion is shit, he has to pay and give you his steak! One thing I can say, you are a better person than me. I would have made sure vagina George knew that his suggestion was shite. But I'm a picky eater, people will know better than to offer me cod!

Also, i love saving Vagina George!

Which side of the chicken has more feathers?
The outside.

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Vagina George does have a lovely ring to it!

I did make him know, don't worry. I made them all know as every moment went further on! I might have went on a bit more than everyone liked! :OD

In fact... how big was a fucking Salmon??

😂😂 Laughs my guy.. I think it's a pretty big fucking fish, well I think.. Or moderately big 👀😂 yeah that helps..

Anyway.. I'd like to try me a piece if aged meat aswell sometime.. Ill be honest and say that's something I've never eaten before. But this holiday season I think it's time


Exactly, no one truly knows the size of a salmon. It is one of lives great mysteries!

Get in and attack that aged meat and report back on its loveliness! :OD

What a mistake 😂 Always follow your instincts! But then, maybe that steak wasn't as good as you expected? You can always go back and find out!

This post has been manually curated by the VYB curation project

I like to think that I always follow my instincts but sadly the fact is that I just don't! I will be making an effort to listen more to myu inner voice in future!

You'll just have to go back there, and this time put your foot down!


I am aiming too! Might go back myself, lol!

Why you eat shit when steaks are available. Serves you right 😆

I have learned a valuable lesson! :OD

Yeah. Never trust a dude named Vagina George

And never trust a vagina called George!

eighty-day aged steak

Does this mean frozen steak from New Zealand like those second-rate lamb chops lol?...

Lol, that should be their tag line. Frozen for eighty days!!

Although judging by my freezer I could maybe top them on that 🤣

He shuddered as if the semen of wealthy strangers was spattering down on him in a hot and scampi-like rain.

Please tell me you’re working on a novel.

Haha, I can imagine a publisher face on seeing that line! :OD

Fuck. That is the worst - when you get talked into something despite your better judgement.

They probably actually would have been amazing had you not been craving steak and if everyone hadn't talked it up so much. If you stumbled on them by chance yourself, this would probably be a different story. But fish is never satisfying when you are craving red meat.

Fucking Vagina George. They were probably worried that there weren't enough steaks to go around. Lol. Will you ever go back there?

I know! I totally knew it. I knew I should get the steak and I would have loved myself for it.

The dish probably was good as you say but I had a hankering and fish couldn't fix it!

In defense of the place it was quite the amazing venue and the food was stonking good so I would go back in a flash, the only problem being that me and the missus don't get out often together because of our mental kids :OD

Yeah. For me I'm horrible at making decisions under pressure. We were at a restaurant with my in laws and I asked the server what he recommended between two dishes that I couldn't decide on and he was like "you should get the small portion option for this one and then this one as your main." I was like "ummm...well..okay that makes sense. I'll do it!" 🙃

Really, I ordered two fucking mains that night. The small portion was a full meal and was only a few bucks cheaper than the regular portion. It was so stupid. I still have mild anxiety over that decision.😅

Sounds like you might get another chance at that steak if you can get another night away from the kids at some point. Maybe in the new year. Make eating that steak your new years resolution. 😂

Two mains!! Hehehe, Ihave been in similar positions and I don't usually mind so much because I love having loads of food but if they were both main sized I might have had an issue! Still, at least you didn't miss out on something!

I will be dreaming of the steak to come. Although with the cost of living crisis and blah blah worldwide recession the place will probably go under before I can get to it!

You're probably right about that but let's hope not.

I hope not too. Loads of decent places our way closed

Yeah I think there was a lot of that going around


Fuck! How could you not have uploaded a photo of these cod cheeks alongside this post? I'm dying to see it, maybe I'll just google.

Well, next time you're in a position like this the best thing is always to order both stuffs! In this case the eighty-day-old steak and the cod cheeks all at once for yourself. Don't get played, bro.

Tada!!! It's the little white things. Shameful!!

Cool. So for real they weren't delicious at all?

They were good, quite nice I suppose and the fish itself was quite tasty but in the end it was just fish and I know the steak would have been stonking good!

I recently watched a video on how to skin and cook a squirrel because the economy is going to shite and I anticipate needing to forage to survive 2023. Anyway, back to relevant comments, the host recommends vacuum-sealing and aging the nekkid bushytail for a week. It ain't steak, but then again, were those hoity-toity restaurateurs offering gen-u-wine squirrel on the menu? I think not! Such blandness of dead cow you can just buy at the supermarket if you want!

I like the idea of eatinhg the squirrels! We have millions of em. The new cow of the 21st century. I have a few that maraud around my garden. I might need to catch em and cook em!

Dry cow though, mmm, tis yummy!

Hahaha, you got tired of their worries and just had to give the cod cheeks a try, now I'm also trying to think how tiny they are.

That waiter just came to push you in a tight corner, making you believe the cod cheeks were awesome when they are just shit, lolz.

Boomy fell for cheeky, hehehe.

I did fall for em!

They were tiny, about the size of a thumb. I was quite disappointed. Then they just tasted like bits of Cod and I kept thinking. Should I have got a giant slab of Cod instead! :OD

Hahaha, a thumb!!! That's damn small lolz and you had just four pieces, right?
Hmm, a giant slab of cod, I wonder how it would look like 🤔😂.
I'd say you should be careful next time, we don't know what they would convince you to try, I don't want to imagine 🤣🤣

4 of em. Iwas gutted. There was Morcilla and something else loitering about on top of the sauce but it wasn't enough. On the plus side all the sides were awesome!

Next time will be the steak!

Well it was manageable so that's fine, hehehe. Well streak might be better but then let's see how it goes, I look forward to seeing that 😀.

I like all things as well but I do think I would have liked that steak better!

Unless it was a curry, then steak can chase itself :O)

Oh that's nice, I like it that you don't select too much, hehehe.

So you would prefer curry to streak or the other way around? Don't mind me, I love asking questions 🙂

Oh my god, I eat my good piece of meat so aged with a good rustic potato impeccable, I have never eaten the cheeks of a cod but if a good fried sea bass tastes like glory ...

As always I enjoy your stories make me smile and that's good in these times almost the end of the year, thank you, Mr.@meesterboom

I am happy you enjoy my tales of woe :O)

The steaks looked fabulous. The cod cheeks were... well, they were ok but they were tiny little things and just like cod really! Nothing amazing!

By the way, I learned something new about the dollar bill wrappers (the waiter) and his dollar bill wrappers, hahahah well said.

Hahahahah, the things you learn on my posts. Things not to be repeated in polite company generally !! :OD


I think the waiter is paying your acquaintances extra for the cod cheeks. 😜 !LOLZ It bothered me that they didn't order them themselves...

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You are right, there must have been some bribery going on or something underhand! !LOL

What to you call it when you think about eating cheese?
A ques-idea.

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"computational buggery of fish" 👏

Hehe, Deep Thought depths of computational buggery! :OD

'Tis my plan to introduce "computational buggery" into at least one conversation per day 😂

I like that plan, I will be using it more myself! :0)

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I wonder how Vagina George got his name. Probably a really good, or really bad story from way back

Steak is not steak. It would be different to make at home or while having barbecue 😁

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