As I march toward the grave I have found myself snorting less coke and drinking less Courvoisier in da club at the weekends.
Worse yet, I have occasionally found myself gloving up and jamming my fingers into all manner of soily crevices and I don't mean going on a filthy date with a Argentinian woman.
No, I mean I have found myself gardening.
I know, I know. I do apologise. It's not exactly the kind of quim moistening shenanigans I might have got up to when I was a younger buck but and I dare to say this. It's been quite... pleasurable.
And so, today I thought I would share some of my gardening wisdoms with you all.
Perhaps you will learn something. Perhaps I will in the telling?
Let us see.
I shall start here, on my decking. That I built almost entirely with my own and my neighbours hands.
The deck, although a thing of beauty is said to have been cursed having drank the blood of an Irishman whilst it was being built.
Some even say that in the dead of the night they can still hear his severed thumb wailing forlornly as it rolls along the cold and lonely length of the deck.
But anyway. Back to garden shit.
There we have some Red Panda bamboo in a box. I like to keep all my favourite things in a box. Just ask Alice, my ex girlfriend down in the basement.
It's a purple/red bamboo. But it looks a bit shit as it is still young. Like we all did.
This thing in the middle is blue grass. Not that shitty guitar style where the player has ten thumbs. (Pity the wife-women) No, it's really blue grass, if you squint at it out of if the corner of your eye that is.
This bundle of leaves is a mad flowery tree thing that looks good for about ten minutes in early spring. The rest of the year it looks like green shit.
It's quite hard to make any of this stuff out. It's all fucking green on green.
But I will try.
This weird thing in a pot is some kind of tortured willow shit. I call it Karen
Then we have some kind of climbing shit, I think it called Chlamydia or something.
This flowery little thing is a baby Jasmine. She will grow up to be awesome.
And then we have bay leaves! In abundance, smoke me a kipper!
Don't smoke it though, it doesn't work.
Then we have more bamboo in a pot.
Did I say I love bamboo?
Then more flowers 'n shit in a bit of dirt.
On the opposite side, lavender and flowers of some description. Peony maybe? Is peony a real thing?
Then a red maple. It's got a proper name. Chim chimminy or something.
Beside that is even more of that Red Panda bamboo.
But then, we have this special thing, a clump of chusquea gigantea. Which I think means big chicken in Chinese.
It is a bamboo that has canes that grow up to 15 metres tall and are as thick as a man's arm. My neighbours will love that.
Then the kids playhouse, nestled in among half whisky barrels of flowers 'n shit
Then my biggest bamboo! Black bamboo!!
See, black as night.
And that's that.
Time to make some bread
And drink some beer.
Cheers!
You've been down the zoo stealing pandas again haven't you? You know what's going to happen now after Ying-ying and Yang-yang took restraining orders out last time ...
That said, growing bamboo in Scotland is extremely impressive, looking at that beautiful garden, you're obviously on the local garden centre's Xmas card list...it's just lacking a little concrete and block paving for balance though I think!
Enjoy the weekend and thank god you didn't mention the words 'sour dough' or gluten free, there enough free glutens running around already!
Sourdough, blegh. That is hipster bread. Straight up bread for me. Although the square one had chilli, olives, tomato and garlic in it!
Aye, the bamboo is hard to get going but once it gets to certain height it takes off! I might end up living in a bamboo treehouse!
You have sullied the name of bluegrass, sir, and I am mightily tempted to rescind my upvote for your affront!
Hahaha, I actually like bluegrass. I just thought of all those thumbs and giggled :OD
Wow that baby jasmine... make sure you put locks on her windows and monitor her smart phone when she becomes a teenager.
I will, I am gonna track her via google maps. She aint getting any independence!
Ok, but just remember, she's a vine.
She all vine!
Ahhhh... very nice garden tour.
I love that pot the willow shit is in.
Chlamydia !!!! ahahaha... ummm clematis...
..... and peonies are a real thing, but those ain't them.... well.... not like the peonies here. Maybe ya'll have different peonies there. I'm thinking english daisies? I'm not the expert on daisies though.
Oh... and the neighbors will love the bamboo too when it takes over their yard....LOL....
Pansies!!! I think. Although, Ireally dont know. I see them on the front of the seed packet or in the little plugs and I buy em and throw away the label because I am a rockstar gardener with little care for consequence ;OD
Clematis. I forgot, I have another of them! Big purple spready flowers!
The nieghb ours will have to love the bamboo, especially when it comes into their house and takes their beds!
Do you like bamboo? I can't tell
Haha it's actually really difficult to put together a nice looking garden that has flowers in bloom during each season. You really have to know a lot a out plants. Your garden does look nice though.
Bay leaves are a good addition. How big does a bay leaf bush get?
Bamboo? I think I might have hjeard of it :OD
Bay leaves can grow into small trees! Fortunately in Scotland they dont tend to as they get frost damage so you have to keep em small so you can bring the pot in over winter, Same with the jasmine!
I see. That makes sense. I always have a hard time with plants that I bring in for winter. They always seem to last until the last month or two of winter then they die right before its time to bring them back outside lol
Aw, thats not fair!
Mine are usually lucky to survive the first couple of months. If they can make that then they are laughing!
LoL ahh you're feeling it too. I remember J telling me he must be getting old as he's actually enjoying pottering around in the garden lately (he's been gardening for years as one of the first things we did when we bought our place was start setting up food gardens). I am not there yet XD
The yard does look delightful :)
It is a great pleassure for me when the seasons turn and I can get back into it. Although ultimately I have a plan for when it all grows and then I just have to maintain that shit.
I need to start on the food things too. I forgot to show off my fennels!
That's some shitty little garden... I mean, lovely little garden!
Bread and drink well deserved! Cheers big..
ears!
Yes indeed, it is a shitty annoyance of a garden :OD
I'm off to sit in it and ponder on its shittiness!
😂🤣
Oh lort! I've just had a lil moment :) I love the black bamboo (all bamboos in fact) and nearly bought two clumps of the black at Christmastime. I opted for the Seabreeze to use as a screen between my neighbor and myself. I will be getting some of the black and also the blue bamboo (another favorite)
Your garden is fantastic and I can nearly smell the jasmine lol.
Don't let your chlamydia get out of hand hehe. Oh I could go on and on about your crocks, bay leaves, lavender....love it all. And the bread.....You're killing me bwahaaaa
Why thank you kindly ma'am!!
I cant get enough of the bamboo. It is great as a screen. Now when my back neighbour tries to talk to be he gets a mouthful of leaves.
I will have to check out the seabreeze one. I might have to add it! Although, I am fast running out of space!
Oh wow you've given @edprivat a run for his money with your comedic garden post. You did miss the #gardenjournal tag, this preventing all the cool gardener kids from gushing over your bamboo porn though...
My Dad loves bamboo. Like sees it at a distance, runs toward it and says.. WOW!! BAMBOO! We think he was a panda in a past life. He even has a photo of himself in bamboo as his Facebook profile. Panda added by me to protect his identity.
Lovely garden by the way. Funny, I call that plant Chlamydia too.
Me and you dad must be but from the same cloth. I run at bamboo when I see it and shout BAMBOO!! Lol.
I want totally aware that #gardenjournal was a things but if I do another I will be sure to use that!
I think my missus us tiring is the Chlamydia jokes for the clematis!
Jesus boom do you live in the Amazon. Mother of god!took up gardening meself to listen to s few podcasts and get away from the children. It's the journey of every father. Cutting the grass now is a thing to look forward to.
I don't know about cutting the grass so much but I like the rest of it. I think in a couple of yearsi will truly be able to say I like in the Amazon as it should all take over, triffid style!
Awesome backyard and that homemade bread looked amazing! What is this?? Is that blue sky I see??
Blue sky indeed! It is so vanishingly rare that I have to feature it! I do believe there were no clouds that day at all!
I am quite proud of my bread, one was a plain old white bloomer and the other a malted wholemeal and dark rye, yum yum!
Awesome!! It is the exact opposite here in Phoenix, haha. 296 days of sun, with only 85 of those as partly cloudy, haha. And you should be proud of that bread, it looked amazing!
Damn man, I want to mmove to Phoenix now!
Anyone need a baker? lol
LOL but it also gets super hot! 111F/44C on Friday for a few days in a row. But it is a dry heat...lol. It is funny when people say that, an oven is a dry heat too!!! haha. But honestly I can deal with the 3 months of hot weather for 9 months of amazing weather, well 2 of those 9 are warmish, and 7 months are absolutely amazing. With that said, even when it is 115 to 117F at the peak of the heat, Phoenix is only 2 hours away from high elevation pine trees where the temp is only around 85F. And only 4 hours from the beaches down in Mexico. And 5 hours from San Diego. Good times!
I have somehow become a gardener in my old age, but it's out of necessity or we would be neck deep in nettles and other killer foliage. We have one bamboo that never seems to get any bigger. That may be a good thing as I know they can be invasive. Got enough issues with brambles and ivy trying to invade. I think I need a flame-thrower.
I need a flamethrower for the brambles. They are insane able grow at a ridiculous rate of knots!!
I think bamboos are only really invasive in really warm climes. At least, I hope!
Mary, Mary, quite contrary, how does your garden grow?
This is awesome! I have to admit, I love to garden, especially in the early morning. Coffee, me, and the garden. I have never seen so much bamboo in one person's garden.
You like bamboo???
I couldn't tell. Watch that stuff, it becomes tolerant to all types of cold and will take over the world if you let it!
A great job. Next thing you know, you will be posting flowers. Just saying. :))
I have flowers!! Although some of my best f my best ones have gone now. The azaleas and the like.
I hope my Bamboo does go wild. I will take great pleasure in chopping off little rhizomes and selling babby ones for MASSIVE profits, lol.
I do like the garden too, I just pretend I am not fussed so I look young and cool :OD
Haha! Of course, you look young and cool!! Who's telling you it isn't so?
The azaleas were amazing this year and so were the rhododendrons. I hope your bamboo grows wild, don't worry, it always does! It is like clover on a perfectly manicured lawn. You love it, but, do you really want it to go crazy? But, you have me there. The profits on happy bamboo are over the top! I'll be able to say, I knew him when he wasn't the bamboo king.
My little dwarf rhododendron is still going strong. Although it does bloom a little later than others. Nearing the end now and its luscious purple floo'ers are getting a bit crispy.
I would like to say the mean people tell me I am not young and cool but Ithink it is my reflection when I catch myself unawares!
Mean people are just mean, you know? Hmmm I wonder what we are going to do with that reflection. :)
The Rhodies have early and late bloomers. They are before AND after the azaleas. I have a purple one, but it has gotten giant and it blooms in February. We don't get a real winter, so it blooms early.
Let's get cracking. I keep running over here thinking you posted again.
I have a post azalea Rhodie then!
I am thinking of getting another as the one I have is a dwarf one and it is a lot smaller than I thought it would be. It didn't help that when I got my garden chairs delivered the guys dropped the box on it. Grr.
Yes, meanies can be mean. Bread stop there!
I have been run off my feet this week but am posting today. Hurrah for Friday's!!
Wow!! You have the place in serious knick 👌
🤣🤣🤣 That's a worse curse than the Mayo footballers have!
You got the last one and then they were Ghonorea (terribly spelt, but I aint google searching that or god knows what targeted advertising I'll start getting!)
I hate targeted adverts, they have taken the fun right out of googling things!
It was funny looking back on it but a pain in the arse at the time that the guy who helped lost part of his thumb in a power saw moment!
Oh shit man, I didn't realise that it was as bad as that, poor fella. Had a similar less severe moment myself around I years ago in the first home we bought, I did all the flooring upstairs myself and sawed off the tip of my index finger... only a tiny bit but it never heals, it almost does, skin falls off and then it goes around again in the same way... 8 bloody years of it 🙈🙈
Aw man, that's grim!
Yeah, I attempted the decking myself. I did alright I think but then my neighbour who is a bit of a builder saw it and said he would help them his son got involved and it was him that had the thumb accident. I felt bad about it cos they were helping!
Ya that's how it goes though eh... Better to get injured being nice and neighbourly than doing it whilst being a CU Next Tuesday..
Lol. Very true!!
I thing you'd love growing Hops in the back yard.
But it looks like they are hard to grow in your neck of the woods. link
That's a nice looking garden!!!! And some nice looking loaves!!!
I am ridiculously chuffed with my garden and how it looks. I cant wait for another year or so till some of the smaller things I have grow into their full potential. The deck, despite the travails and ordeal in building it is blood magic to sit on in the sun!
I am reading that hops link. Intriguing stuff. I will try it!
I've seen hops used as a privacy screen on fences. I don't know if the owner was going to use it for brewing or not though. It just seems fun to me.
That does sound quite fun. I am quite up for things growing on my fences. The only thing is I would have to find a space that wasn't currently festooned with various climbing viney things!
It's time to build a maze of vines in your back yard.
Its looking more like it is going to be a maze of bamboo. Maybe I can get vines to creep among the canes!
Look at the blue sky over the jungle! Summer's probably been and gone.
Bamboo rocks and it gets bloody thick.
Could you have found a smaller glass for your beer!
I have big glasses and little glasses, it felt like a be skull day for that one!! :0D
A skull day, oh ya rebel ye😁
What's up with the Sun and the Blue Sky!!! Photoshop!! LOL
wonderful backyard! I wish I have one!
only sometime...no I don't want the work! :)
Photoshop!! You got me. I put those blue skies in!
It is a bit of work. Specially at this time. It detracts from my beer drinking :OD
Nice bro, youre truly Farmer Boom on this one. Ive left some partying behind me as well, gardening is cool. Cool outdoor space, and cool glass that youre sippin out of. Its nice to be outside amongst the foliage.
I like to be sitting in the foliage. I want my chill space to be forest like! Cheers man, I love that glass too
I love summer.
Disclaimer: If you're a crazy stalker that doesn't understand English, cannot read worth a shit, has no moral compass, and sees everything through the lens of a demented madman: Summer is a season. A time when people spend a moment beatifying their living spaces, then allowing nature to do what nature does, giving people an opportunity to kick back and ENJOY life by relaxing and enjoying good company. This behavior is certified 'normal'. Many enjoy it. I'm one of many that enjoys summer. That's what I meant when I said, "I love summer."
I love summer too!! And damn. I need that disclaimer as some folk cant read shit for toffee!
I thought I'd include it just in case someone gets all offended and starts melting again. You took a huge risk there with the cup (<--- sarcasm). In this day and age cups are offensive.(<--- sarcasm) I'm almost afraid to joke about this one (<--- sarcasm). Might get cancelled if I do that(<--- sarcasm). again... LOL! (<--- sarcastic prick)(<--- self-deprecating humor)
I don't think you are allowed to be sarcastic. What if I counted the number of times you were sarcastic and it came to a weird number and I then had to speculate and start shouting at the moon!?
It would come to a weird number as in being abnormally high. In the clouds! Where my head is at most days!
Number-Wang!!! That's what it is!!
The clouds are where it's at. Today there were none and I read scared I world just fall up into the sky and soup away into the cosmos.
Don't let them fool you, clouds are good
Crystal clear blue skies here. Had to make my own clouds. They might smell a bit skunky but I'm alright.
You're put the garden nicely together and it's good you are enjoying it.
Cheers Ace! I do think in a couple of years it will look the bizzo!
I find gardening to be one of the most therapeutical activities even though I don't even have one of my own.
It is quite, until you have a pile of it and think I wanna rest! :O)
It's look like a small piece of heaven on earth those pots attract me the we also have some pots at home but my mom didn't allow me to go near to them as once I break one of them lol
Btw the glass of beer looks tasty
The glass of beer and the several after it were indeed tasty things, cheers!
We have a Red Maple in the back garden. They get big.. but not as big as the Christmas tree next to it. Like 35 foot high and towering over next doors garden. Bloody trees.. they are OK but not close to your property. Get the chainsaw out at the first moment of disobedience I say.
Oh yeah, behind the kids playhouse we have a Christmas tree which is so big that it sheds stuff into my neighbours gutters. He hates it. Lol.
But yes, disobedience requires the chainsaw!!
My last house had a gigantic red maple in the front yard. In the fall, all the other trees gracefully dropped their leaves over the course of a month or so. The red maple bided (bode?) its time. When the others were done, it shed all its leaves over the length of about 24hours.
I am thankful that mine is quite small but I have noticed that it does she's on a different schedule to everything else!
I love bamboo.. On my property in PR some of the shoots are over 20 feet tall. Nice plant collection. Enjoy that !beer
Loving the beer and the bamboo. I came wait till mine grow up into adult bamboons!! :0D
You designed your garden in a very tasteful style, I like it. I would do barbecue there :)
The barbecues in there are the best there are... If you like meat 😀
Of couse I like. There should be also Rakı to drink.
That would be a fine thing!!!
You funny guy!
Even your garden posts are full of jokes and little ( horror ) stories.
Is it a coincidence that you and I wrote a gardening post almost at the exact same time?
I guess our mooncycles are syncing up ;^)
That garden of yours looks pretty good ans that garden chair looks very comfy ( I could sure use a seat like that to counter my lower back pain )
Cheers from Portugal!
I just saw!! Lol, you are right, the moon cycles are syncing! 🤣
The chair is damn comfy. I'm still in it!
I would probably do the same, if I were you. I hope your wife brings you a blanket.
Now Imagine a rocket chair that soft.
Chair heaven...
Even better, she bought mea blanket and the outdoor heater thing. Which is a bit of a must in Scotland at night!
I love rocking chairs, I always end up sleeping in them though
Sweet pretty relaxing to tend to a garden
Aye, it's not bad. Still prefer the club tho 😀
Lol ell yeahh
Awesome garden man! I love the bamboo but the red maple is epic. When those things get big oh man are they crazy! We have a bunch around here when we go on walks. They are about 15 feet tall and 30-40 feet wide.
You’ve got a nice yard here man, I like it! Enough green space for the little squirts to get out there and mess around. I’m jealous of your clothes line there! lol. I am looking forward to the small things like washing stuff and hanging it out to dry instead of using an electric dryer for everything.
Cheers man. I am quite happy of the outside space for drying shit when it's not winter. I get tired of all the full I work with commenting on the clothes horse behold me in the attic where I work!
Lol blur the background! I do that for mine, we have all kinds of crap in our room that I use for work. Thankfully it’s all blurred out!
Haha, I have done that but there is an incredible vain showy part of me that likes to leave it unblurred so that my fancy guitars are also on display, lol!
Hi @meesterboom ,It is the first time that I see so many photos in your post, but I liked reading and looking, the thumb thing made me laugh, as they say, occupational hazards.
Ah yes, I am not normally one for the masses of pictures! Except when needed!!
"There we have some Red Panda bamboo in a box. I like to keep all my favourite things in a box. Just ask Alice, my ex girlfriend down in the basement"
Bwahahaha
Sounds like Pandora's Box. Not sure if I want to open that
Never open Pandora's box!! :0)
Amazing, i love this pic
Thank you!
Cozy garden
Thank you, I like it!
!LOL
lolztoken.com
It was a case of age-related macaroni degeneration.
Credit: reddit
@meesterboom, I sent you an $LOLZ on behalf of @theabsolute
Have you tried the !gif !lolz !meme combo? It is a wall of fun!
(1/2)
Via Tenor
Congratulations @meesterboom! You have completed the following achievement on the Hive blockchain and have been rewarded with new badge(s):
Your next target is to reach 63500 replies.
You can view your badges on your board and compare yourself to others in the Ranking
If you no longer want to receive notifications, reply to this comment with the word
STOPCheck out the last post from @hivebuzz:
You have a proper nice kingdom there Boom. I am glad you are not one to spend all your free time working at it. I always figured that is the best reason to have kids, so they can venture out and learn about gas tools like mowers, weed whackers etc. I say start them young, that's what my parents did and I still have all my digits.
I have them on the weeding. I cant wait till they get big enough to manhandle a spade, Then the fun will truly start!