He was blind, sudden-blindness it's sometimes called. It's common in elderly cats - detachment of the retina and bleeding causes it. He would wander about the house aimlessly, bumping into things and walking in circles. I'd pick him up and hold him and he'd lay there, head on my chest, shoulder or arm, limp and not at all like the strong fellow he'd always been but Merlin was old, I'd had him for twenty two years.
Merlin was my best friend - the thought of being without him scared me. He knew everything about me; literally everything. He never broke my trust, always knew when to stay silent and listen and always knew just when to head-bump, cuddle or sit quietly beside me - He was intuitive like that and always watched my six.
The photo above...it was...well, it was his last day.
I took this around lunch time. I'd placed this cat basked in my home office and placed him in it; funny, he never used to like this cat basket before. I was working from home, had been for almost four months which was great as I'd spent so much time with Merlin; virtually twenty four hours a day. This day he sat there, eyes so large, and hung his head over the edge. It broke my heart. It broke me down.
I had a tentative booking at the vet for 18:30 that evening but was hoping I could cancel. They suspected he had kidney failure - he had the symptoms - but I hoped he would make a miraculous recovery in the next few hours. I sat beside him, holding his paw recounting some of his escapades which made me laugh and cry. His head would slowly turn to the sound of my voice sometimes. It gave me hope.
At around 17:00 Merlin managed to get himself stuck behind a large cupboard.
He had worked out that following the walls around meant he wasn't as lost but...He was stuck. He'd fretted, vomited and was panicking. He sat there breathing hard, eyes wide in terror and whimpering whilst I emptied the shelves and pulled the cupboard away. When I reached him I scooped him up and held him so close and he calmed down a little - I was crying. I knew the vet appointment would have to happen.
I held his hand as he lay in the unfamiliar room, my other cradling his head. I'd brought a little soft pillow he loved to sit on so he had something that felt like home there. I looked up and nodded to the vet-nurse, watching though tears as the syringe pushed forward. In moments his head sank slowly into my hand as he fell into oblivion and I felt like I'd never be the same without my best friend beside me. We had a bond I thought couldn't be broken but...I felt alone and wretched.
The cat on that card looks like Merlin used to look: Alert, fierce, intense, ready for action...and very cute. Much like me I guess.
Someone recently gave me a little card-set of cat photos with really nice quotes upon them. As I flicked through this card stood out because of the Merlin-cat image. The quote seemed relevant also.
Of course, when Merlin left, I wasn't truly alone as I had Cleo, my little baby, whom I love so much, but Merlin was gone and that made me feel alone, the understanding I'd not have him around ever again. I still miss Merlin eighteen months later and at times, through missing him, I feel very alone...or maybe I mean lonely. Maybe both.
I'm a man who generally values alone-time and it's usually spent with nature: A long hike like I did today, kayaking upon silent waters or camping out in the wilderness away from society and its noise. It's in those places, those moments of solitude, I think best, grow and develop. I find it ironic that a small quote and an image that reminds me of Merlin can bring me similar feelings to those I feel in the solitude with nature.
Merlin reached out to me today, through that card you see above which sits on my desk next to my computer.
I wasn't feeling so great so I stopped and looked at some pictures of him and I together. It made me feel closer to him and more importantly helped me understand that whilst I may be physically alone within me is every feeling I've ever had, every lesson I've ever learned and every memory I've ever experienced...Merlin is in there too and today, despite him being gone, he brought me comfort...But I miss him so much too.
Design and create your ideal life, don't live it by default - Tomorrow isn't promised so be humble and kind
The images are my own
Merlin will always be there for you despite him not being here.
It is very normal to miss him, I hope you are feeling better now.
I'll miss him for the rest of my life and yeah, feeling a little better now.
It is normal to miss him, I also miss my dad but thankfully memories of him makes you feel better.
Indeed, I miss my dad too, he passed away 5 days after Merlin did last year. It wasn't a good week at all.
Urghh I can't even imagine that.
You are stronger than me tbh, I would have cried for months.
One reason I am scared of getting a pet, I'll get too attached and I can't imagine losing them.
I remember when you had to put him down I think, sad times for sure! Thankfully they are still with us in many ways in our minds from memories and all that. I still remember when I put down my cat who was old like that, she enjoyed and fell asleep on me that one last time where she usually didn’t want to be held. Good memories of the little fur balls!
good memories indeed, but painful also. A thought of merlin can put a smile on my face just as easily as make me tear up. I'm sure you understand.
Dear Lord, I have tears streaming down my face.
Hugs
Yeah, I get it.
That's heartbreaking to read. Your love for the cat really comes through. I'm not sure how long ago this happened, but those of us who love our pets know that they're more than just pets, or animals, and that losing one is like losing part of ones self.
This post strikes me more because I have two little black house panthers (they're still young - less than 3) who are just full of character. I've said goodbye to a few animals and it never, ever gets easier. The best we can do is to love them while we have them, just like you have.
He was such a good little fellow...I loved him so much. It was eighteen months ago now and I feel it like it was yesterday.
Indeed. I have Cleo, now ten, and she's pretty much the most spoiled little cat on the planet. She'll leave too of course and I'll go through the same process. We do it to ourselves really, but the thought of the alternative, not having them at all, is not a good one.
This read brought a tear to my eyes. Sent me right back to those feelings and memories of when I had to put my childhood dog down a few years ago. Duffy.
I won’t ever forget those feelings and how they come back from time to time in moments like these, reading and empathizing those feelings.
Stay strong. This planet keeps on spinning.
I don’t look forward to those feelings again when the time comes again.
We feel the same things, us humans. Pets have a way of getting right inside too and at times like this...Well, it's never easy. I feel sad about Merlin, but I know he had to go, as will Cleo and, indeed, me and you. It's just how it is. It's a reminder to live as best I can though, be the best person I can...And to not blame myself too much when I am not.
All the best, and thanks for the comment and heartfelt words.
It's the worse but I truly believe that the connections we share exist in more than physical ways. I've been through that so many times and it never becomes easier. Go catch some mice now Merlin, your dad's gonna be ok.
It's funny you mention catching mice. Merlin was an operator! I used to keep him inside at night but during the day he would go out and climb trees and stuff. He was a bit of a hunter, that's for sure. He'd bring his catch to the back door and look up proud of himself like, look G-dog, I kicked ass again.
Eventually I kept him indoors, when he was getting older and we'd play, a lot to keep him active. Hours at a time. Then it was nap time in his favourite spots. When Cleo came along she would curl up with him and he would put is arm around her. He was a good fellow.
I miss him so much.
I know, I know exactly. He sounds like a great cat. We had a few of that kind as well. They are all special but some have a mission, besides mice. The love for him speaks volumes. I know you're not like this Awwwwww a bunny type but I like your sweet spot. 🤗
Yeah, most people who know me in real life don't know what I'm like with my cats, but most people I know in real life also don't know I like my cats more than them! 😊
I have a soft side Anna, it's reserved for special people, and my cats and for those people and cats there's nothing I would not do.
I know. Each trooper has one, but never mess with us when it comes to them right? Give Cleo some cuddles from overseas.
Indeed...On both counts. Cleo cuddles were deployed.
Sweet how something like a little cat quote card can cause 20 years of memories to come flooding back to the surface of your mind. Slightly bittersweet maybe because of the end, but really.... 20 years !? What a wonderfully long time to get to enjoy a beloved pet.
Sounds like you and your Merlin memories had a very fine visit.
Twenty two years is a long time for a cat and I feel so happy to have had them with Merlin. It's amazing how they become so much a part of one's life. I told him everything and he'd listen and react as needed, most often with a cuddle. He was a good lad and I miss him so much.
I think of him often and mostly they are happy thoughts but, of course, it makes me miss him and his antics. What a great friend he was. I miss him so much.
Merlin was a handsome little guy. It seems as though our pets so rarely are able to pass peacefully in their sleep at home, as compared to many stories I have heard of people who have. Just suddenly a heart attack, or something, and the person is found in bed or on the toilet or on the bedroom floor, no prior pain. It always seems to be long and tedious with pets. And the appointment is just horrible. I recall reading that you should stay calm, so that your pet is not made further miserable by understanding your anxiety. Frankly, that's ridiculous. Those appointments involve sobbing, and I just don't see how that is avoidable.
He sure was...Such a nice-natured little fellow also.
I was a bit of a mess to be honest, from the moment I arrived and carried him in. It was horrible...Always is.
I am hoping against hope that when this time comes again it will not require the dreaded appointment. I hope the same for you.
It has always amazed me how impacted we are by our brothers and sisters in the animal kingdom (we are but animals ourselves). I have long believed that the animals we allow in our lives unfailingly make us better people. I know I'm not the only one who feels this way as even the most ancient of stories from our past include animal companions as protectors, wisdom-dealers, friends, and family.
Upon my worst days, my dogs have always been there without judgement. I don't know how people who have never had pets can truly understand unconditional love and it's impact on the soul. I constantly remind myself to be the man my Great Dane thinks I am....many days I fail.....but she is always there to nudge me with her huge melon sized head in the right direction. Through her forgiveness, I've been able to forgive myself. She has also taught me of the healing power of contentment.
I know your loss and I grieve with you even though time has passed. They are forever part of who we are.....and usually the best part.
Pets come to mean so much to us and therefore bring pain and suffering when they go, not unlike a human. I'll be honest and say that losing my cats Dixie, Gemmi and Merlin has been some of the most heart-rending moments of loss for me. I think it's something about the fact they can't speak...I always find myself fearing they didn't know how much they meant to me.
It's not a good thing, that's for sure.
But...We have their memories right? And, like you say, they impact us so greatly.
Thanks for your message.
Completely alone, unless locked up up in a room away from nature perhaps.
Deep hole in ones spirit when something close to ones heart moves on, yes loneliness and loss not quite alone.
Quirky thoughts often interrupt thought when one of the animals I have had close to me appear, like a quiet visit saying remember me, what fun we shared. A few tears will well up in a moment cherished.
I always think too much and yeah, sometimes there's tears.
Overthinking not a problem, those first weeks after a pet departs I am best left alone. One never forgets....
I am so, so sorry, Galen. Fly free, Merlin.
We also lost our boy on New Year's morning. No euthanasia for animals here - they believe all beings must complete their karma in order to attain a better rebirth. But what could be better than being a beloved cat?
I literally posted my post 5 mins ago, and then saw yours. I'm so sad for you, but glad you could be with him. Mr Gin also died in my arms.
Sending love.
I saw that. It's so sad losing a pet, heartbreaking really. They come to mean so much. I'm sorry Mr. Gin is gone but, like me with Merlin, you'd have so many memories to keep you comfort. I've seen a lot of death Marike, but losing pets never gets easier.
Maybe Mr. Gin and Merlin are somewhere now, hanging out and getting acquainted, sitting around telling stories about their lives like the Vikings did in Valhalla.
That would be cool right?
That's such a lovely image, Galen - and one that has me smiling. Yes, we have lovely memories about the favourite places he liked to sun himself, about the way he liked to sit on the rubbish bin in the kitchen like it was this throne, and the way almost everyone who met him remarked on what an unusually friendly and d-g-like cat he was.
I'm glad Merlin did not have to suffer more. Slightly torn & conflicted over the whole animal-euthanasia idea - it's not done here AT ALL - but watching Mr Gin fight for his breath those last 20 mins I would have liked to make it easier.
Perhaps he and Merlin are kicking back with a plate of sardines somewhere discussing the merits of both choices and whether it really does enable a higher rebirth. Hmmmm....
Hugs and love to you in your time of loss - no, it never gets easier.
Hmm, yeah that whole thing huh? I don't know, I personally would not have wanted Merlin to suffer any longer. Dixie, one of my other cats suffered as she was kicked by a house guest, you may recall. I spent thousands trying to make her better but in the end she died, I'd imagine in pain too. At home at least though. It was horrific.
I understand there's two sides of it...But for me...Well, I'd want someone to put me down I guess, if I was suffering. So, I did so with Merlin, and Gemmi before him. It was heartwrenchingly difficult but seeing them suffer was just as bad.
Merlin and Mr. Gin are kicking back plotting their next adventure right now... Catching the ladies' eyes and generally being the cool Cates they are...They'll be back for another turn on the wheel and probably hoping they'll be pampered and loved cats again.
You seem to have a knack for picking the most beautiful cats Galen, or could it be that your cats are photogenic, or could it be the photographer? I'm not sure.
Merlin eyes from that photo were so beautiful; Makes me sad to think of how her life was, after going blind.
I do like black cats. I guess different cultures have different beliefs. Some for, and others against black cats. Jamaicans in general see black cats as bad luck, and some persons are so superstitious that if they encounter a black cat upon leaving their house, they might turn back and cancel that appointment for the day. Whereas, other places see black cats as good luck. I am colour blind, so I love all cats really.
I'll just always remember advise from trukker (randy) about getting my next cat:"let the cat pick me". I thought that was good advise:)
I'm happy you have your lovely little Cleo...and I wholeheartedly believe in that top quote about being alone:)
I think they pick me Milz, they know what I need and come to deliver it.
He went blind very quickly, that's often the nature of that condition. It must have been terrible for him. I carried mostly everywhere: To eat, although he wasn't eating much at that point. To bed or wherever I was. It was so sad.
There's a lot of superstition around black cats both good and bad I guess...Being colour blind would help with that though. Randy knows his cats so I'd say he's got good advice in this area. One to listen to for sure.
Yeah, from the contented looks of all your cats, I do believe they chose you indeed. I admire the way you nurture and look after them.
You ought to add "pussy whisperer" as your special skill/hobby.
This fucken cracked me up! 😁
I figured it would! 🤣
You may not see Merlin physically but I'm sure he is always there with you in your heart.
He is everywhere I go because I carry him in my heart and memories.
Thank you for your comment.
Keeping him in your memory, although sometimes may be hard, is the best present he left you with.
He was a good chap and he left me with so many great memories. Sometimes I miss him so much and other times he makes me smile remembering how he was and our fun times.
Sunday morning and the first thing I read is this - through tears. Damn' you, Galen. Made me think of Cassie who has been gone for fifteen years and I still miss her...
Where was Cleo today, did she come to head bump, cuddle?
Yep, they stick in our hearts don't they? I still think Dixie, a lovely all white cat who was so beautiful. She was taken cruelly after she was kicked in the side by a house guest. That was years ago and I still remember her every day, as I do with Merlin. The same will happen with Cleo. I hate losing them, but love having them accept the pain I know will come.
And yes, Cleo and I had a big cuddle and we talked about Merlin, whom she idolised, a little. She misses him too.
They really, really do. It is such a good thing when we can enjoy our lives with them for years before we have to say goodbye to them. But that goodbye is so hard.
Oh yes, I still remember the sad story of Dixie, and that SOB house guest - SMH - makes me sad and angry again just thinking of it. I bet it's a lot worse for you. I am sorry.
I htink about Dixie all the time but it's so sad, the ay she went...She was innocent and didn't deserve it. I makes me so mad, and sad at the same time, even now, just thinking about it. 😢
😢
I have had many pets but I have never had a cat, I bought a kitten that I met by chance 3-4 months ago and now I am enjoying having a pet. He is always with me and trying to tell something with his constant movements. It's as if he's listing everything that happens when I'm not at home. I'm sorry about Merlin, but I understand he lived a right life with the right person.
I'm glad you and your kitten are having fun together. As your relationship deepens you probably come to find he becomes such a big part of your life and a valuable companion just like Merlin was for me.
🐈🐈🐈🐈🐈🐈🐈🐈🐈🐈🐈🐈
Isn't it funny how moments like this pop up, seemingly out of nowhere?
I was bench pressing the other day, and I was surprised my grief bubbling to the surface. Normally, when i had a big lift during a workout, I would show the video to my father in law. He would be super impressed and tease me about it. I found myself being wishing I could go and show him my video, and started to cry since he wasnt there. It came out of nowhere. I am comforted in knowing I will see him again someday.
I am glad you have those cards. It is uncanny how that saying happens to be on the card with the cat that looks like Merlin.
🐈🐈🐈🐈🐈🐈🐈🐈🐈🐈🐈🐈
I thought it was also, what's the chance of that quote being on a picture that looks just like Merlin? It jumped out at me right away.
Also, these memories often come out of nowhere and for what reasons I don't know. I don't think they're bad though, in fact I like them despite them feeling sad at times.
I‘Ve not had a pet since I left home at 16 and always traveling never thought it was fair to have one until now. @diveratt recently took a cat in that needed a new home and was a bit unsettled by the whole thing. We spent Christmas at @diveratt’s and I pretty much had Bobby the cat on my lap the whole time for a few days as I drank beer, ate chocolates and watched movies. She was great company and so many memories of all of our pet cats from my childhood flooded back. Bobby super chilled me out and even though it was only a few days I quite miss her. I can’t imagine how you felt losing a buddy like Merlin after 20 years.
Cats have a way of working their way into a person's affections very quickly which seems to be the case with Bobby. Merlin did the same. Twenty two years is a long time to have a cat, well, anything really, and I really miss him a lot. I have my memories though I guess, although some of the make me sad.
Are you able to get a cat for the boat? The right sort of breed would go ok I'd say.
Camille and I want to bet a cat for the boat but we are not sure if its the right time yet. Badger is a small boat. We are looking to maybe this year get a bigger one then defo getting a putty tat.
Oh that's cool. The space constraint would make it difficult so you'd need the right cat, but I think it would a good edition. Cats are such nice creatures to have in one's life
I agree. Theres a bloody good reason they were worshipped in ancient Egypt
This is so heartbreaking to read. Merlin looked like Cora, my son's best friend's cat who often spends time at our house, and now she's with us these days. She's a young kitty with a lot of attitude.
I don't know what to tell you that can comfort you. But beyond the sadness of the last moments, it is clear you had a great and faithful friend in Merlin who will always live in your heart.
It's really amazing how cats behave sometimes. You mention attitude. Merlin was like that: Confident, strong and a good hunter. He had, presence. But when Cleo came along ten years ago...He was a big softie. He loved her straight away and she became his shadow. He looked after her so well. Cats are such interesting little things.
Merlin was such an amazing little fellow to have in my life and I'll remember him always.
Now I'm off to give Cleo a cuddle.
Yes indeed, I found out recently that being alone does really contribute to self growth. I relied so much on the company of others that when they deserted me,I felt like I couldn't do anything with my life. But as time went,and I got to know me again,I find it difficult to be in a crowd for too long. There's always a longing for loneliness as it helps me reflect,plan and come up with the most creative ways to better life. My mum says I'm too isolated now. Soon enough,you'll be okay is what I'm trying to say...#hugs
It's a good revelation to have I think...Being alone with one's thoughts, reflection and contemplation will allow one to understand oneself better and to find better answers.
Exactly darling. I'm sending you my love right now, you'll be okay.
I can feel the longing that is in you, when the beloved cat is gone and even the pet cat has become part of the family. I think Merlin will also really miss you there, the memories that are there. :)
I'll see him again when I die...We'll have a great reunion.
Yeah 😭😭 and Merlin will be pampered with you always 😇
Indeed.
I like this sentence: Learn to be alone, it helps you grow 🙂
Yeah, take a read of the rest of the post, you might also find something else you like.
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learning to be alone when needed is one of the most important skill every human being must master. because there obviously come times in everyone's life where they need to be alone or have to stay alone or have to do and manage things alone. so, this skill is a must. nice post as always. thanks for sharing! :)
Indeed, I agree with you completely. Thanks for your insight.
I am so sorry for your loss, buddy Losing a pet is a really hard feeling, how long was he with you? I've lost a lot of canine best friends, most had a long and quite happy life. My last little dog suffered from cancer in his testicles and, despite fighting it for years, old age and illness eventually won out. At least I know he lived about 10 years of pure happiness and love (I currently have his paw as my profile picture on Discord to always remember him).
I understand what you're feeling. They are here to teach us what true unconditional love is. I hope another companion will come into your life and give you back that feeling of companionship that only they give (Please don't avoid getting another cat or maybe dog because you think you are replacing Merlin).
Strength, buddy. I send you a hug.
As per paragraph one, twenty two years.
Pets always come to mean so much to us and being upset when they are gone is usual. It never gets easier. I'm sorry for the loss of your let dog, sure you felt the same as I do.
Shit man, that's a lot. Keep strong.
It was a big loss and left a gigantic hole in my life.
So sorry for your loss, @galenkp - it doesn't get any easier with time, you just kinda get used to it really...
We lost our lovely ginger furbaby four years ago when he was nineteen and a half. I'd rescued him when he was just eight weeks old, so we had been through thick and thin together.
It's so difficult to lose them, bit so easy to love them huh? Damn them. (But I love them). 😀
So true...I've always told myself that I wouldn't get another cat as it was just too hard when he died, but you are right, they are so easy to love...
Annabelle.
So I stop for a mandatory 30 min break 7 hours into a long 11 hr day.
Yes, I usually drive 7+ non stop if my bladder permits it.
I took a trip down memory lane and LOL'd at @bigtom13 and @dandays comments on your WE post. I was then amazed at the million+ $ Volvo build. Only to have my heart ripped out here. Fuk Sake Man, I hope Sammi Jo outlives me. I know if not, her loss is gonna destroy me. I love the stories of Merlin & Cleo. But, That was a rough one to read Galen. I will wipe my eyes and drive on the 3 hours to my ranch.
And cherish the walk Sammi and I take from the truck to house. The nuzzlin, head bonkin, and biscuit making she does with every step.
We have them in our lives knowing that mostly we'll outlive them and will have to deal with the pain that goes with their loss I guess. We carry on though, and carry them in our memories.